The_Q AMA

[The_Q]

I'm back motherfucker.

Q

[j-rodd123]

you could've picked a forum that actually shows up on the front page

[FoJaR]

how is ohio?

[The_Q]

Originally Posted by FoJaR

how is ohio?

Flat.

Next question.

Q

[Svaz]

Favorite recipes?

Do you still have the matzo ball one?

[dAnceguy117]

which future year will be your least favorite, and why?

[MixMasterLar]

What have you been up to?

[The_Q]

Originally Posted by Svaz

Favorite recipes?

Do you still have the matzo ball one?

All By Myself Chili

This is a recipe to make your own fucking chili and stop asking me about fucking recipes for chili. It's also a great way to learn to experiment in the kitchen. Here are the guidelines

YOU WILL NEED
-Fat
-Meat
-Veggies
-Dry Team
-Wet Team

"But Q," you're saying, "that's incredibly vague and doesn't even have a part to part ratio of ingredients. How is this a recipe?" Well, if you hadn't interrupted I would have told you the ratios and made some suggestions but you just had to open your huge fucking pie hole. Go get some Jiffy cornbread and follow those three steps while I explain.

Fat
For every 2 lbs of meat you use, toss in about 1 cup of bacon. You're gonna have to cook this shit in fat anyway, why not make it delicious? Plus you get crispy pulp everywhere. You could use veggie or olive oil but you'd have to use way less and you'd be an even bigger pussy than someone who doesn't know how to make chili off the top of their head.

Meat
2 lbs of meat is gonna be our base so mix it up. If you have fewer beans but want a thicker chili, use ground meat. If you want chunky chili use chunks of meat. I like to go half and half and use ground pork and beef. Remember: turkey chili is a heresy of the highest degree.

Veggies
They're veggies, you can't fuck this up unless you put in a squash or some dumb shit. Ideally you'll do about 6 cups per 2 lbs of meat, the sturdier the veggies the sturdier the stew. Peppers are perfect for this stage. Slam that garlic.

[b]Dry Team/b]
For every 2 lbs of meat you're gonna need 1/2 cup of dry spices. Some people like bitter chocolate in their chili. These people are dumbass toothless Cincinatti barbarians, we don't associate with them. Cinnamon is always a good idea and oregano really helps brighten things up. Never underestimate cumin and paprika.

Wet Team
Like veggies, you want 6 cups per 2 lbs of meat. This is gonna be your beans, tomatoes and beer. By the way, put a lager in there. Lager is perfect for this sorta thing.

HOW TO DO IT
Get a big ass pot, ideally a dutch oven. Put your bacon in there and get it nice and crispy. Then toss in the rest of your meat and brown it up a bunch. After that it's time for your veggies, which you should put in based on how long they will need to cook. Let them get a bit tender before you get to the rest. This is when you toss the dry team right on in there and coat everything in spices.

THE ORDER IN WHICH YOU START YOUR PLAYERS IN THE WET TEAM IS IMPORTANT

Beans and beer should go in first, they're the hardiest and you gotta get that alcohol out. Then go things like tomatoes and whatnot. They're gonna float anyway. Simmer for about an hour and a half, salt and pepper to taste.

Now you won't be useless this winter.

Q

[The_Q]

Originally Posted by dAnceguy117

which future year will be your least favorite, and why?

2002(2) after the Millennium Reset in 2144. I just don't need to deal with Dubya again.

Q

[The_Q]

Originally Posted by MixMasterLar

What have you been up to?

I met a girl, fell in love, moved in, things went south, broke up, she moved out, back to chain smoking and drinking.

I worked in resale, gas stations, odd jobs and started doing stand up.

I'm not a good comic.

Q

[Zapmeister]

You're playing poker with a tiger, a kangaroo, an ostrich, and a stoat. You're holding 7c 9c and the flop is 8c Qh 6h. The tiger nonchalantly chews it cards without looking like it has any enthusiasm for the game and checks. The kangaroo jumps around like it's showing off, stops jumping, bets 3 times the minimum, and continues jumping around. The ostrich folds. The stoat tries jumping around like the kangaroo but eventually realises it's making a fool of itself and slowly raises to 8 times the minimum. Do you fold, call, raise, or run screaming?

You wake up to find a cabbage stuck to your kitchen ceiling. You inspect it and find that it's fresh and looks safe to eat, and it has a note on it which says "If you're wondering how I got here, here's a hint: it probably isn't surface tension". How did the cabbage get there?

If you're a stand-up comic, and your legs get tired, do you become a sit-down comic?

What's the longest amount of time you've stayed awake for?

[The_Q]

Originally Posted by Zapmeister

You're playing poker with a tiger, a kangaroo, an ostrich, and a stoat. You're holding 7c 9c and the flop is 8c Qh 6h. The tiger nonchalantly chews it cards without looking like it has any enthusiasm for the game and checks. The kangaroo jumps around like it's showing off, stops jumping, bets 3 times the minimum, and continues jumping around. The ostrich folds. The stoat tries jumping around like the kangaroo but eventually realises it's making a fool of itself and slowly raises to 8 times the minimum. Do you fold, call, raise, or run screaming?

You answered your own question with

Originally Posted by Zapmeister

You wake up to find a cabbage stuck to your kitchen ceiling. You inspect it and find that it's fresh and looks safe to eat, and it has a note on it which says "If you're wondering how I got here, here's a hint: it probably isn't surface tension". How did the cabbage get there?

I got drunk and sealed my house water tight and then filled it with water and used a breathing apparatus to stay alive. The cabbage is simply floating and the note is from my drunk smug self.

Originally Posted by Zepmeister

If you're a stand-up comic, and your legs get tired, do you become a sit-down comic?

Normally I just become in need of better shoes.

Originally Posted by Zapmeister

What's the longest amount of time you've stayed awake for?

51 hours. I was stuck in Logan Intl Airport during a blizzard without a room and they had lost my luggage. All I had with me was a bottle of duty free bourbon and a $15 Starbucks gift card. I quickly bought a coffee, poured it out and added bourbon. The next two days was a blur of being constantly drunk and constantly woken up by people thinking I was homeless because the only place I had was a heating vent against the cold window. I eventually managed to do the Tom Hanks in the Terminal thing and make money by returning carts. There's a couple local news interviews with me that I do not remember doing.

Q