A comedy sketch. Read?

[MalReynolds]

Ken Mehlman is sitting in the Republican Office, with 2 other Republicans. They are discussing what appears to be a very important matter.

Ken: Well, boys, we really blew it, didn’t we?

Rep 1: Yes sir.

Rep 2: Absolutely.

Ken: How did we even get this way?

Rep 1: I don’t know.

Rep 2: I’ll check the stat sheets.

Ken: Save your time. If we’re going to have control of the White House for another 4 years, we’re going to have to really get with it. Face it boys, we saddled ourselves with a loser last time.

Rep 1: A real loser.

Rep 2: Absolutely.

Ken: We’re going to need a miracle to win this year.

Rep 1: A miracle.

Rep 2: Absolutely.

Ken: A miracle! That’s it! You’re a genius!

Rep 1: Thank you for saying so, sir.

Rep 2: Absolutely.

Ken: Get me a phone and a bible… There’s only one person that can help us now.

Cut to: God sitting in heaven, his feet kicked back, smoking a cigar. There’s a nameplate on his desk that clearly reads GOD. Next to his feet is the PRAYER PHONE, which begins ringing. God Answers.

God: Heyllow?

Ken: Is this God?

God: Maybe. Who is speaking?
Ken: God, this is Ken Mehlman, of the Republican Party.

God: Uh-huh.

Ken: This is important, God.

God: I’m listening.

Ken: All right… You’re a Christian, right?

God: I never really thought about it…

Ken: Well, we really pushed your agenda with our last president.

God: Oh, yeah… I recall. Hey, thank him for me. The number of people we get here? Growing every day. Turning heaven into a deluxe resort.

Ken: Uh… I’ll pass the message along.

God: Thanks.

Ken: Listen, it’s time for you to return the favor.

God: What do you mean?

Ken: What are you going to be doing for the next four years?

GOD looks over at the wall, where a large calendar rests. The next four years read THE RAPTURE, in big red block text.

God: Nothing I couldn’t push…

Ken: Excellent. Meet me in the Republican National Headquarters immediately. We’re located in that abandoned peanut factory off of Smith Drive.

God: All right, just give me some time to get showered and dressed.

Ken: Excellent. See you in a few, God.

Time lapse to GOD getting to the Headquarters, where KEN greets him.

Ken: Hello, God, it’s good to finally meet you in person.

God: Yeah, yeah. So, what exactly did you want from me?

Ken: God, you’d better sit down for this.
GOD waves his hand and a chair slides up to him. He sits.

Ken: God, I want you… To take the Republican bid for presidency.

God: This is what you pulled me out of heaven for?

Ken: Yes.

Rep 1: Yes sir.

Rep 2: Absolutely.

God: You realize you now stand almost no chance of getting in?

Ken: Well, I hear hell is under booked this time of year.

God: You got sass… I’ll give you that. All right, I’ll run. Under 1 condition.

Ken: Name it, God.

God: I get to select my own campaign manager.

Ken: Absolutely not.

God: All right, done.

Ken: Excellent. You’re really coming through in a pinch for us, God. All you have to do is take this press conference tomorrow, and your campaign team will virtually do the rest.

God: All right… Looks like this’ll be easier than my usual stuff. You mind if I smoke this in here?

GOD procures a cigar from his robes.

Ken: Is that Cuban?

God: Would I smoke anything less?

KEN and GOD laugh.

Ken: No, you can’t smoke that.

God: All right…

TIME LAPSE, a MONTAGE of VOTE FOR GOD posters, finally arriving on THE PRESS CONFERENCE

Ken: Without further ado, let me introduce the man, the new face of the Republican Party… GOD!

Scattered applause from the press conference room. GOD takes some INDEX CARDS out of his robes.

God: How’s everybody doing? I just got in from heaven, and boy are my arms tired!

No one laughs. He moves to his next card.

God: I feel that I’ll be perfect as president. I feel that I could really bring this country back from the dead!

No one laughs. He moves to his next card.

God: Well… I had some more jokes, but I think it would just be appropriate to move to the Q and A.

The reporters’ kind of shuffle. One stands.

Reporter 1: Hi. Are you actually God?

God points at him and the man dies.

God: Are there any more questions about my existence?

Scattered “No�s are heard. Another reporter stands.

Reporter 2: Yes, my child died of pneumonia four years ago, and every night while he was sick, I prayed for him to get better… Why didn’t you help?

God: We needed him for a little league game the next day. Just kidding… I believe if you look in my unauthorized biography, aka THE BIBLE, it states that there is a field of corn, with weeds. If I were to remove all the weeds, it would damage the roots of the corn as well. I hope this answers your question.

Reporter 2: It really doesn’t.

God: Are you in any kind of position to be questioning me? I am GOD after all.

Reporter 2: I suppose not.

Another reporter stands. He holds out a tape recorder.

Reporter 3: Yeah, uh, I found this fairly humerous letter to Dr. Laura online. She’s a big fan of yours. Anyways, it points out flaws in the bible. What do you have to say to these claims?

God: I didn’t write the book, okay? Also, my word is always changing. Check your tape recorder if you don’t believe me.

The Reporter rewinds his tape, and hits play

God (On the Tape): My favorite Bond movie is Die Another Day

God: Try it again.

The Reporter rewinds his tape again and presses play.

God (On tape): Actually, make that Goldeneye.

God: I hope that answers your question. I have time for one more… Next question?

One final reporter stands.

Reporter 4: Yes, uh… When I was in highschool, my junior year, in chemistry, we were making homemade ice cream. To do that, you needed one bag filled with ice and rock salt, and another bag filled with the ice-cream ingredients, and you would put the bag of cream and milk and sugar into the bag filled with ice and salt and shake it. Halfway through shaking it, my bag of milk and cream and sugar split open, but I didn’t notice, so that when I ate the ice-cream, it was all salty. I ended up vomiting everywhere. Why did you let that happen?

God: Are you kidding me? Is that seriously the last question of the press conference?

Reporter 4: Yes.

God: ... Thank you all for your time!

Ken: Let’s have a round of applause for God!

Another time lapse, with more newspapers and posters, showing that God is dropping in the poles. GOD, KEN and the 2 Reps are sitting in the warehouse, discussing the situation.

God: I don’t understand it. How can I be losing? I’m God! Who am I even running against?

Ken: The Democrats have Kerry again.

God: I’m losing to that douche?! GOD! GOD! ME!

Ken: I understand, God. I think all of us underestimated your prowess when it came to politics.

Rep 1: Yes, we did.

Rep 2: Absolutley.

God: I wasn’t cut out for this game… What’s the number one reason my numbers are dropping?

Ken: People just don’t believe in you.

God: But I’m the most genuine person they’ll meet!

Ken: No… They literally don’t believe in you.

God: Oh… This sucks. I guess God just doesn’t belong in politics.

Rep 2: Absolutley.

God: ME DAMMIT! Stop saying that.

Rep 2: Absoultley, sir.

God strikes him dead.

God: He’s going to hell. There is no way I’m putting up with him back in heaven.

Ken and the Rep are scared now.

Ken: I guess we could always remove your name from the ballot…

God: Good. Do that. I quit. I’ll see you guys later. Actually… Ken, I won’t see you ever again. Sorry.

Ken: Damn. Alright, God, it was good working with you.

God: Not really.

God EXITS.

Ken: Who else owes us?

Rep 1: Yes.
Ken: Has the amendment been passed for foreigners to be able to run?

Rep 1: No.

Ken: Damn. Arnold is out… Maybe we should just withdraw from the race?

Rep 1: That sounds like the best course of action.

Ken: I hope Kerry enjoys it.

As it fades, a newspaper flies forward, in one of those newsie spins. It reads: NADER WINS PRESIDENCY IN LANDSLIDE!

[msbrunnettemickey]

Haha!! Very good read!

[Afrobean]

Truly excellent. It didn't have as much politcal humor as I expected, but the religious humor more than made up for it.

[Tasselfoot]

Lacked a decent flow. Conversation pieces were shaky and choppy.

[MalReynolds]

But the important question, did you think it was funny?

Mal

[Spazzbite]

The comedy factor after the first reporter dies plummeted, and the Nader win was way too predictable. Rewrite the ending a little bit.

[MalReynolds]

Heh, I thought the part with the tape recorder was clever. I can't really re-tool any of it, they've already been submitted to a friend of my mom's who knows someone at NBC that might be able to get me a writing internship on one of their shows.

But, thanks for the candor.

Mal

[Tasselfoot]

But the important question, did you think it was funny?

Mal

Not really... no. Didn't laugh. Was reading through thinking, "when is this going to end."

[talisman]

It needed something else to bring it to that next level of humor. this was basic satire, but it never really tickled the cynic inside me because it was too predictable.

that and you spelled "polls" as "poles".

[chickendude]

I say you make fun of some other religions while you're at it. Make one of the reporters jewish or muslim or something.

[Omeganitros]

If I were you....





I would get rid of everything after "Get me a phone and a bible… There’s only one person that can help us now. " and skip straight to God at the press interview. To make up for all the lost lines, you could throw in some jokes about Jesus running with God as Vice-President. Or something.


And the tape recorder thing was great.