Relationships and Personalities (MY LIFE)

[Rapta]

[Insert title here] are normally not things you would expect to see in this category of the forums. This was the only place I felt I could get only respectable and well thought out answers to my distress. I will put a few stories from my life about [Title] I have come across. If you want to see the main point of this post, go to the bottom.

My personality is a thing that has somewhat been an an enigma to me since I was a child. I was so immature that I was called the antichrist at a church I went to when I was maybe four or five (long story short, I grabbed a woman's breasts, had ADHD and ADD, and ran for the swings away from the preacher) and got kicked from the church, though I slowly came to a self thought out resolution that I would become more mature when I got older.

I was sooo immature that I was in the special needs classes in most of my elementary schools (I changed from my first one due to the still ever scarring memory of a teacher holding my arms back and the principal burning a cigarette on my right cheek).

Towards the end of my elementary school special needs days, I remember. I remember the "reflecting room" which they had put me in almost every day for the duration of school, for acting up so often. I was not taught in the room, it was a cold, 4 feet by 4 feet white,concreted walls, with a reinforced gray door to the outside. The door had a window towards the upper middle part of the door to look into the room. There were 2 mirrors on the opposite corners from the door side to see if someone were hiding on the 2 blind spots of the door. I didn't know any better about what they were doing to me, I didn't even know enough to hate it. I was a very unknowing child.
This is the room that I have blamed for causing myself to become the kind of person in school that barely ever talks to anybody, never acts up, is an introvert (not good with group work, mainly), and soft spoken. These traits of my personality have caused half of my life's despair.

In my special needs class (third grade) I had my first girlfriend. She was very tall and white, wearing glasses with long brown hair and a wierd last name I cannot recall. We got along really well, I remember making her laugh by playing with my hands, acting out fighting scenes (again, I was in the third grade). This was the FIRST time I was in third grade, and at my old elementary school that didn't have the previewed principal and teacher. My mother suddenly home schooled me, I lost my best friend Isaac, and my girlfriend Moriah (Last name really hard to remember/spell). I later had to repeat the third grade and fourth grade because my mother felt I didn't learn anything.
This was when I changed schools, with the principal, white room, and teachers. Oh yeah, did I mention the bus driver who almost caused my left leg to be decapitated due to her LARGE body sitting on top of me at the end of my second year of third grade?? She kneed the back of my left leg to subdue me on the bus.

Anyway, in fifth grade was a year after I went to regular ed classes. This is when my new quiet, shy self went to school. This is because it was the year after the second time of my third and fourth years of school had been in the white room.
Things were fine, I had a nice teacher, nice principal, no white room, everything was cool. I asked one girl name Grace out and she said yes, but I later broke up with her because she had been saying she loved me and she wanted me to say it back but I was really shy and unsure. Right now love is a word I could throw, but at that time in fifth grade it was unthinkable for me. -I looked under the table I was sitting at, and told her I was breaking up with her. She cried, and I felt bad.-
The second girl I dated in fifth grade was a girl I had my eye on for a while. The day before she asked me out with a note, I had prayed to god for me to be able to date her. Coincidences, huh? (Please keep religious quarrels out of the reply area) The second girl was Bre, and we started dating right before the first school dance I had ever gone to. Long story short, I ended up playing cards with my friends at a table, after Grace (Bre's best friend) had told me Bre wanted to see me to dance. I stood her up to play cards with my friends. I'm fucked up, right? I didn't want to dance because I was shy about dancing. We later broke up.

Sixth grade was uneventful, but seventh grade sure was. I dated 3 more girls in seventh grade. The first girl was a girl named Kylie, and we dated for a month and we broke up because she felt bad that I turned someone else down for her. I fucked up again. The second girl was a girl named Bre also, but she was a different Bre. Completely different. She had rather decent curves and was slightly shy like me, but not shy enough to tell others not to touch her breasts or her butt or something similar. I was too stupid to ask her to tell them not to. I broke up with her, detached some unruly friends, and was looked down upon by A LOT of people for breaking up with her. It was said we made a good couple. I fucked up once more. The third girl was a girl named Beth, and she wanted to be a little more friendly with me, she wanted me to walk her to her bus witch was completely out of the way from my bus (hers on the end mine in the front), she wanted to hold hands a lot, and we hugged a little, but we ended up breaking up. She was also depressed, and cut. We stayed friends throughout seventh and eighth grade.
Eighth grade was the most mentally scarring for me. I dated one girl, at the end of the year. I liked her for a long time, she was a short, dark haired girl, very chibi, cute, and kind. I asked her to the last dance of the school year, the day before the dance. She said yes. I went and bought size 4 dress shoes because it was a dance where you had to dress formally, and I had never worn dress shoes before so I didn't know that they weren't supposed to be snug like sneakers. She was about 4 foot 8 and I was about 5 foot 5. The dance ended up as a mental disaster for me. I waited outside the school for a bit, when I realized she might already be inside, soo I went inside, saw a few of my good friends (by this time I had a niche), and I looked to my left and saw her with a few of her friends. I went out of my way to go greet her, compliment her, ask if she wanted to go find a table, and asked if she wanted a drink. She said hi, she was doing fine, she wanted to go walk around a bit, and declined my offer to get her a drink. I walked away, back to my niche for a bit. I kept going to her in little segments, with many failed attempts at trying to spend time with her. (Since I forgot to mention, I used to be a really good break dancer, but at my eighth grade dance I didn't dance, only talked to my niche, and barely talked to the girl I asked out. Towards the end of the dance, my niche ended up convincing me to go ask her to dance, even though I had never danced before. She was sitting at a table, I sat down next to her while she was on the side of the table and I was on the end. I made little chit chat, and ended up asking her to dance, and she said she wasn't feeling good, which right after she stated this, one of her good friends asked her to dance, and they went and danced. After watching for a few seconds from afar, I walked out of the dance, missing the pictures I could have taken with her. My heart was broken, and I fucked up completely. From then on I decided I never wanted anything to do with girls EVER AGAIN! -crying now-

I ended up seeing both Bre's again, the first one I tried to apologize for the not dancing with her thing and tried dating her again, and I asked for a "second chance". This is all in Ninth grade. She said "People change after 3 years" since we never talked to each other throughout middle school. I got her kik, kik'd her for a while, she invited me to go to her church, I declined because of my prior experiences with Churches, and I made up a reason saying "It feels like I were to go to your church, I would be so close yet so far, and I wouldn't be able to stand it" or something similar, over kik. The conversation on Kik between me and her had last been touched by HER a month ago, with me just leaving message after message (5 messages over the course of a month, just stuff to kind of keep in contact). The second Bre that I saw that people said we looked like a good couple, we haven't said a word to each other since, and have just seen each other walking by in the halls at school.

All these things from my past have caused my heart to waver in front of girls, yet lack the backbone and experience to do anything. I stay away from girls the best I can. I also lose opportunities because I am so shy. "Should I do it, shouldn't I?". I am used to idling due to my couple years in the white room they locked me in for hours each week day, and so I lack the motivation to do some things in school. These days I would prefer to be in a room like the white room in elementary school, maybe because it's easier to just do nothing. I would never admit myself to any such place ever again though, because of my pride and want to listen to music and interact with the outside world with my technology.

What I ask is feedback, preferably positive about my life, and or what I can do to feel better about myself and solve some of these issues I deal with and have dealt with. Maybe some mental counseling from some of you FFR members and venting my feelings will make me feel better about [Title]...

[Funnygurl555]

Duuuude, what grade are you in and how many girlfriends have you had? Some people won't even have girls consider dating them. I didn't date in high school, FWIW. 8)

The entire white room thing and being burned by a cigarette though doesn't sound okay. Have you told anyone else that? Especially about that latter thing. I'm pretty sure that's not legal.

The issues you have won't be solved by someone on FFR, though. It really won't. If you feel distressed then you should talk to someone who's qualified to help you, but venting may be nice so yeah.

Though if it makes you feel better, in hindsight you'll realize your issues with girls now will seem trivial once you get in a serious relationship with someone you really like/love... whichever word you feel comfortable with.

Also don't let what one girl did to you affect the way you hang around with other girls... alright, uh, ok im done danananananana

k yeah no

If you feel seriously distressed, and I'm pretty sure you do based on sometimes seeing you act up in MP, pls get help.

k pce godspeed gl

[DossarLX ODI]

The white room you mention would fall under abuse and like Funnygurl555 said, that sounds illegal -- I don't know of any educational institution that burns cigarettes on children's faces (what the fuck? smoking is banned where my schools are)

First things first, locking you away in a room doing nothing does not explain anything. It's basically just a way of saying "this kid is annoying and isn't possibly capable of any type of reasoning whatsoever, so fuck him and just lock him up and we can forget about him." I see a complete, digusting neglect for wanting to work towards resolving issues here. So clearly those people were, to put it bluntly, barbaric assholes who only wanted to feel powerful and not questioned.

Another problem I see here is a constant thought about needing to have a girlfriend. Why do you care about that so much? I myself have not dated once in my life but I have many positive relationships. Secondary schools are generally more popularity contests than actual relationships, so trying to engage in some sort of intimate relationship there is a big mistake. I was popular in High School as the FFR guy who played fast songs and entertained everyone, but I didn't have any thoughts about girlfriends. Have you asked yourself what the point of having a girlfriend is? For me I see absolutely no point, and considering your experiences (starting very early on too), it sounds completely detrimental in your current situation.

Build non-romantic relationships first. Every single relationship I have is non-romantic and I've made some great friends who have given me perspective on personal issues. From your story I see many missing details regarding how you treated your girlfriends. Sure, you say that you feel bad and whatever, but that doesn't give insight into what went wrong.

You are right that it's easier to do nothing. Hard work and dedication is the way to move your life forward. I also have traumatic memories back in my childhood which I have come back to reflect on what went wrong, both with the people surrounding me and myself. Use these situations as cases where you can see what happened and build off of them. Do not ignore your problems or they will come back and bite you in the ass.

One thing here is certain: You can't expect to act the same and get a different result. That is not how problems get resolved.

[Rapta]

Two things.

One: I absolutely cannot turn someone down without feeling the need to cut myself for it. I have never once cut in my life but the need to do it comes around, and I almost did it in fourth grade, with a girl I forgot to mention I turned down because I didn't find her attractive. It really killed me on the inside for a while.
Though, for some reason I struggle with the concept of friendships with the other sex. I have feelings which compel me to act weird. This is why I have decided to shy away from any attempt of friendship or relationship in school. I mainly have guy friends except for maybe.. one of my ex girlfriends. It might just be my hormones that make me act weird but the weirdness that comes out when I am around a girl is too much for me to handle intelligently. Some situations it's me being weird, sometimes i'm too kind with my words with compliments, and offers to do things for them.
Is there anything wrong with staying away from girls almost completely?

Two: "You can't expect to act the same and get a different result. That is not how problems get resolved." <-- To refute this, I actually have been fine so far in ninth grade, it feels like I have not had any emotional drops, since I started staying away from girls. I still have my niche from 8th grade, still have decent grades, but I have changed one thing since my last girlfriend: I stay away from girls now. Pretty much what I mean by this is, my personality is the same, it's just the people who I talk to have changed.

I also agree, that what happened in my elementary school was torture and irresponsibility on the staff's behalf, but I don't know what to say about that other than I hope that still isn't going on in special education elementary schools. It has changed my life, in my opinion, for the worst.

[Moogle-master]

Originally Posted by Rapta

Two things.

One: I absolutely cannot turn someone down without feeling the need to cut myself for it. I have never once cut in my life but the need to do it comes around, and I almost did it in fourth grade, with a girl I forgot to mention I turned down because I didn't find her attractive. It really killed me on the inside for a while.

This might be harsh - grow a spine.
Not dating someone because you don't find them attractive is a very valid reason to not date someone, and you should not apologize for that. If you react in this way to that situation, how would you have dealt with actually dating her, leading her to believe that you loved/was attractive to her when that wasn't true at all? Trust me when I say you did the right thing and by turning her down and telling her no you actually saved her from more harm.

Originally Posted by Rapta

Though, for some reason I struggle with the concept of friendships with the other sex. I have feelings which compel me to act weird. This is why I have decided to shy away from any attempt of friendship or relationship in school. I mainly have guy friends except for maybe.. one of my ex girlfriends. It might just be my hormones that make me act weird but the weirdness that comes out when I am around a girl is too much for me to handle intelligently. Some situations it's me being weird, sometimes i'm too kind with my words with compliments, and offers to do things for them.
Is there anything wrong with staying away from girls almost completely?

You need to reflect on why you struggle with this. Have you considered that your view on girls as a whole may be responsible for this? Perhaps when you look at a girl or interact with them the awkwardness is stemming from something that makes you think you need to see girls as attractive or date-worthy. I could be wrong though I'm just trying to guess off what I've gleamed off your posts.

Originally Posted by Rapta

Two: "You can't expect to act the same and get a different result. That is not how problems get resolved." <-- To refute this, I actually have been fine so far in ninth grade, it feels like I have not had any emotional drops, since I started staying away from girls. I still have my niche from 8th grade, still have decent grades, but I have changed one thing since my last girlfriend: I stay away from girls now. Pretty much what I mean by this is, my personality is the same, it's just the people who I talk to have changed.

You can't get by like this forever. You're going to have to learn how to talk and interact with girls in a friendly manner.