Zapmeister presents: Deal Or No Deal

[Zapmeister]

Alright, it's time for another round. Let's do this.

The first one to score exactly 13 out of 16 on the Postbox Or Cheese? quiz and take a screenshot and post it here will get the chance to play Deal Or No Deal for up to 250000 of my credits.

Your board is the same as before.

[Riotpolice]

Here we go~

[Zapmeister]

The crowd were cheering him on. This was his moment. Just focus, he thought. Don't be distracted by the crowd, the scoreboard, or the atmosphere. Firmly grasping the baseball bat in his hand, his eyes fixated on what was in front of him, and he waited for the opportune moment to take a swing.

Thwack.

A strawberry, a peach and an orange fell to the floor. The juice splattered his shirt. Suddenly, the noise from the crowd escalated to a deafening roar. Briefly, he looked up at the scoreboard.

3 Fruit Combo! +3
Berry Blast! +5
Peach! +2 Seconds
Score: 145
Time: 0:06

Seven points short of the world record, six seconds to go. He had never felt anything like this before. Just concentrate, he thought. Unfortunately, he remembered that "concentrate" could be used as part of a pun on fruit juices, which momentarily distracted him. At that moment a watermelon flew right at him. He ducked, narrowly missing it.

At least this is Zen Mode and not Classic Mode, he thought, where he would have to deal with people chucking bombs at him, which would presumably be a little bit more worrying than watermelons.

He swung his bat again. Three apples fell to the floor.

3 Fruit Combo! +3
Score: 151
Time: 0:02

One more point! He could do this! To witness such a longstanding record being broken in front of such a large crowd was unbelievable, but to actually set the record was just indescribable. He had been training hard for this moment, and it was about to happen.

"WELCOME TO DEAL OR NO DEAL!!" a voice screamed in his ear. The lights turned on.

Riotpolice woke up.

"Uuuunnnnggghhh," he groaned. He rolled over in his bed, and slowly opened his eyes. He had never been in this room before. He had absolutely no idea where he was. What the hell was going on? He checked his watch.

"Ugh, it's five twenty in the morning... do you really have to do this now?"

He turned round and stared straight into the eyes of some creepy-looking guy who was dressed in some rough approximation of what he thought was the Grim Reaper or something that he just couldn't pinpoint. Despite the circumstances, he didn't actually look that scary.

"Uh, no, actually, we didn't. But you never told me that when you signed up for this, so... we might as well do it now, seeing as you're awake."

"Who the hell are you, what am I doing here, and where am I?"

"I'm the Banker from Deal Or No Deal. You're here because you wanted to win up to 250000 FFR credits as a prize for outstanding ability to tell apart postboxes and cheese. As for where you are, well... let's say you're on a ship."

"Why the hell am I on a ship, and are we drifting in open water or what?"

"Well, remember what happened last time on Deal Or No Deal with the blue stuff and the blobfish? Yeah, well we had to get the whole room repaired, so our studio is currently unavailable for maintenance. So we had to move the studio to this ship. And yes we're drifting in open water."

"Drifting?"

"Yeah...... drifting."

"Well where the hell are we, roughly?"

"Look, as far as I know, we're in the middle of the Atlantic somewhere, and stop asking me questions and let's just get on with the show. We don't have that much time I think. Just follow me to the studio once you're up, and go to random.org to pick a number between 1 and 22, which will be your own box number. Then choose five other boxes to open before your first round offer."

[Riotpolice]

I choose case 19!

First Five:
1
22
18
12
7

[Tim Allen]

Originally Posted by Riotpolice

omg preggers get f*cked up the butt big time.

fuck yooooooooou get 10 credits

[Pseudo Enigma]

oh this thread again

[Riotpolice]

Originally Posted by Pseudo Enigma

oh this thread again

The chaos ensues once more

[Zapmeister]

Riotpolice felt very concerned that he was apparently drifting in the middle of the Atlantic with some random guy who vaguely resembled a paedophile or something who didn't exactly know where he was. However, 250000 FFR credits was a hell of a lot, and not to be messed with. Bleary-eyed-ly, he followed the Banker up to the studio.

This was some big ship, he thought. Not extremely ginormous like a cruise liner, but still really big.

He entered the makeshift studio, where he found box 19 waiting for him on the table. The audience were behind him, some 40 shadowy people who were sitting in a dark part of the room so he couldn't see their faces. This all felt surreal.

Also, none of the audience were cheering him - both of them were greeted with a stone cold silence. The Banker finally spoke. "As like last time, I'm also going to be the gameshow host as well as the Banker. Good luck," he said, the last two words with heavy sarcasm.

1 - 3 credits - The Banker momentarily groaned. Someone in the audience started booing. "So the audience are still your own fans like last time, and not supporting me?" Riotpolice asked. "Well yeah," the Banker replies. "Why should it change?"

22 - 75,000 credits - Huge cheers from the audience. The Banker pointed at Riotpolice and laughed at him like Nelson from the Simpsons. Riotpolice told him to shut up.

18 - 5 credits - More boos from the audience. Riotpolice simply stuck his tongue out at the Banker, who gave him a scornful look.

12 - 750 credits - More boos from the audience. Riotpolice started laughing, feeling more in control of the situation. Nothing seemed to disturb him that much. Maybe because it was still half past 5 in the morning and he was lethargically tired.

7 - 500 credits - Boo. "Stop mashing!" the Banker says. "You know, like in FFR, when you mash, you get a lot of boos?" Riotpolice was totally not amused. "Come on, that's really funny!" the Banker laughs, but looks disturbed by all the blues vanishing from the board so fast.

Your board:


"La la laa, la la laa, la la laa,
la la laa, la la laa, la la laaa la laa.
La la laa, la la laa, la la laa,
la la laa, la la laaa, la laaa!"

The Banker picked up the phone. "Ok, let's keep it realistic. Your choice of ringtone from lalalaa.com is a big improvement on what happened last time, but still not good enough. ... Ok I concede it's 'better than my studio' as you put it. ... Look I know it's not perfect, and after what happened last night, as you probably know already, we're going to need someone to clean it up. ... Yeah we're fine, just drifting in the middle of nowhere. ... The navigation system? Yeah," the Banker glances up and to the right a bit, "looks fine, no problem so far."

Pause.

"Look, I know you're bored, but when you've got nothing to do, could you PLEASE STOP TRYING TO SELL ME YOUR CAR INSURANCE AND STUFF? You did that last time, and it's just annoying!" The Banker hangs up in a huff.

Riotpolice turns to the Banker. "What was that thing you were talking about that happened last night?"

The Banker replied, "Oh, last night. It was utterly ludicrous. There was this guy, right, who somehow found his way into the middle of this studio, no idea how. Anyway, he had this baseball bat out and was throwing fruit in the air and hitting it with a baseball bat. I only witnessed it earlier this morning when I replayed the CCTV camera images. He appeared to be sleepwalking, but I'm not 100% sure, the image was blurred so I couldn't tell who it was. I mean, what would drive someone to do THAT? Like a real-life adaptation of a wannabe Fruit Ninja or something. Seriously. He left a HUGE mess all over the floor which would take forever to clean up. See for yourself."

Riotpolice said nothing, but with trepidation looked towards the middle of the studio floor. It looked like a fruit massacre. Melons, apples, pears, peaches, bananas and every other fruit were splattered all over the floor with their juices everywhere. Some partly intact, some sliced in two, some split into tiny fragments.

"Where... did he get the baseball bat from?" Riotpolice remembered he didn't own a baseball bat.

"Look, how the hell am I supposed to know these things?"

Riotpolice shrugged.

8,000 credits. Deal Or No Deal?"

If you No Deal, you will have to pick 3 more boxes before your next offer. The ones you have left are: 2 3 4 5 6 8 9 10 11 13 14 15 16 17 20 21.

[Riotpolice]

No Deal!
I pick cases 2, 21, and 13!

[DarkManticoreX2]

Oh this again.

Exciting!

Lets try to beat the 10 credit record!

[Zapmeister]

Riotpolice was completely bemused by all the fruit strewn around the floor. He had no idea whether it was him or not. Certainly the Banker's evidence pointed to the fact that it was him, but it was mysterious that there were absolutely no fruit juice stains on his shirt. So confusing.

2 - 50 credits - The Banker started to get seriously annoyed at this point. Riotpolice grinned at the Banker and stuck his tongue out at the audience. He tried an evil laugh, but the Banker told him he could demolish him in an evil laugh contest, so he backed down.

21 - 1 credit - Riotpolice screamed in delight, danced wildly around the room, and screamed "WOOOOOOOOOO!!!" He was taunting the Banker wildly, who appeared to be somewhat depressed at this point. "Go on. Just rub it in, will you. You're going to end up with like 2 credits at the end or something. Just watch it."

13 - 3,000 credits - Slight pause, then booing. "Mash mash revolution," the Banker acknowledged. Riotpolice told him to stop it with the mash-boo-ffr puns. "Oh shut up."

Your board:


"So, introduce me to this navigation system," Riotpolice said.

"Follow me." The Banker led Riotpolice to the front of the room, where there was a small screen. It appeared to display a sort of navigation system as promised. The picture on the screen seemed to display a vague mixture of numbers, which were supposed to indicate direction somehow. It seemed slightly too artificial to be an actual navigation system, but what did he know?

The phone rang with a ringtone identical to that on iiiiiiii.com.

"Yello? ... Yeah we're just introducing him to the navigation system right now, it's kind of cool, isn't it? ... What, really? WINDOWS 98? Are you serious!? ... Look, it still sounds like you're trying to sell me stuff now. Stop it. I don't need goddamn updates. The system is completely fine as it is, and I have NO TIME AT ALL for stupid Windows Update or whatever. We're here to play Deal Or No Deal on a boat, without any distractions." The Banker slams the phone down.

To his absolute horror and astonishment, the navigation screen now displayed:

WINDOWS UPDATE
Installing update 1 of 107...

The Banker screamed in horror. It sounded like he was being murdered or something. There was nothing like it. "NO!!! NOT WINDOWS UPDATES! PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!!?!? NOOOOOooooo..."

"Well that's what you get if you don't update your stuff for fifteen years," Riotpolice noted.

"Look, I had NO IDEA it was running Windows 98 until now. Trust me on this. I wouldn't be so stupid to leave it like that if I knew it was."

"Really," Riotpolice said sarcastically.

"Stop it with your random sarcasm.

17,000 credits. Deal Or No Deal?"

If you No Deal, you will have to pick 3 more boxes before your next offer. The ones you have left are: 3 4 5 6 8 9 10 11 14 15 16 17 20.

[Riotpolice]

No Deal!!!!!

I pick cases 3, 4, and 5!!!!!!

[DarkManticoreX2]

I might have taken the deal there...

[Zapmeister]

"Hang on, can you even read the screen?" Riotpolice asked.

"Well of course I can now, because all it says is 'Installing update 3 of 107'," the Banker replied.

"Yeah, very helpful. Tell you what, it would be helpful if you actually knew where we were. Do you?"

"If we had a map, I could show you."

Riotpolice somehow happened to be carrying a map of the world with him for whatever random reason. "Here's one I made earlier." (He didn't actually make the map, but whatever.) "Go on. Tell us where we are."

The Banker unravelled the entire map and, to Riotpolice's horror, proceeded to stand on top of it. "I'M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!" he yelled, then the whole audience laughed.

"Stop that! Your jokes are unfunny and that was MY map, which you've got footprint marks all over! Now where are we? Seriously?"

"On a ship. I thought you knew that already."

*sigh* "Really helpful."

"Ok, seriously. I didn't catch the screen before the stupid update, but I think we're drifting somewhere off the coast of Wales or Ireland or something." He waves his hand around near the west coast of the UK.

3 - 50,000 credits - The Banker's uneasy face finally transformed back into a grin, and he beamed at Riotpolice, who said nothing. "Come on, the 2 big ones are still there, backed up by these nice mid reds," he said.

4 - 4 credits - "BOOOO!" The Banker screamed, "I hate you!" Riotpolice: "Maybe I'm just good at picking boxes, you never know." (evil laugh)

5 - 1,000 credits - "GRRROWRRRR!! If only I had my blobfish cupboard here like last time YOU would have felt my wrath! I NEED you to take out the BIG ones! I can't BELIEVE they got rid of that cupboard..."

Your board:


The phone: O O O O I I I I.

"Well at least whatever YOU did is nearly done, we're on update 101 now. ... Look, yes, I KNOW EVERYTHING about Windows Updates. STOP TRYING TO FLOG THE DEAD HORSE THAT IS WINDOWS UPDATES AND MOVE ON. ... Yes I know the updates are supposed to over-ride the ship's auto-navigation." Riotpolice was somewhat concerned about the last sentence. "Actually, I suppose it would be a good idea to head over to the navigation system as soon as it's finishing. Erm... bye."

Installing update 107 of 107...

Installation complete!

Windows 98 will now restart...

[3 minutes later]

The screen resumed normal functionality with no apparent change since before the updates. However, both of them knew that having the navigation system off during the update period could possibly have set the ship off course, and the Banker's hand was hovering over the manual override button as he tried to read the screen.

WARNING: ICEBERG APPROACHING

"What? There's no iceberg on the screen," the Banker said.

"I... find that... oddly disturbing," Riotpolice replied.

"Yeah, I guess. Maybe more disturbing is the fact that you're going to crash and burn and end up with 2 credits."

"Thanks for the confidence."

"You're welco---" An enormous green blob filled the side of the screen. "What the hell is that?" The Banker crinkled his brow.

A few uneasy seconds passed.

Suddenly, seemingly out of absolutely nowhere, and with no reasonable explanation, the green blob moved into the centre of the screen, where its appearance was made clear. It was an enormous lettuce. The largest lettuce either of them had ever seen before. It seemed unreal.

"WATCH OUT!!" The Banker yelled.

Thud.

The ship shook up and down like a small earthquake had hit it or something. The navigation system had registered a hit.

Was that... really a lettuce??? Riotpolice was confused, but was slightly too shocked to ask the Banker.

"Oh, and I almost forgot something. Uhhh... 21,000 credits. Deal Or No Deal?"

If you No Deal, you will have to pick 3 more boxes before your next offer. The ones you have left are: 6 8 9 10 11 14 15 16 17 20.

[Riotpolice]

NO. DEAL.

I pick cases 16, 17, and 20!!!!!!!

[25thhour]

omg the money amounts omg go riotpolice

[Zapmeister]

Riotpolice finally managed to recover enough from the shock to ask the Banker what just happened.

The Banker put his hand on Riotpolice's shoulder. "Look, I don't really know. You know all that fruit on the floor? I don't know where all that came from either. An enormous lettuce coming out of nowhere is not exactly out of the question. Who knows what else might happen?"

"Well, why did the screen say iceberg warning?"

"Hahaha. Iceberg's a type of lettuce, you see? Come on, it's not like there are any REAL icebergs round here. The water temperature is like 10C/50F, it's way above freezing. It just couldn't happen."

Riotpolice felt mildly reassured but still uneasy.

16 - 20,000 credits - An even more uneasy silence filled the studio. Riotpolice had no idea whether the enormous lettuce was a thing to be worried about. Why would the system flag it up as an iceberg? Thoughts clouded over his mind. But he had to focus on his main goal: 250,000 ffr credits.

17 - 15,000 credits - More uncomfortable pauses. "I think that was a bit better for you than it was for me," the Banker admitted.

20 - 100 credits - "I hate you!" the Banker yelled. It appeared that he had snapped. He tried to pick up the intact half-watermelon from the middle of the floor, but accidentally stepped on a banana peel 2 metres in front of it. He slipped and comically fell. Riotpolice and even the audience couldn't stop laughing. It was pure slapstick gold.

Your board:


Phone: dabadabadab

"You happy that you've exhausted your supply of ringtones from interconnected sites that sing their own names? ... Yeah. You're going to have to think of something else next time."

Pause.

"Oh HAR HAR, that was NOT FUNNY AT ALL." Riotpolice had never seen the Banker get so mad at what appeared to be a sarcastic joke.

The Banker turned to Riotpolice and mumbled to him, "He says, 'What do you call a dinosaur on a ship hosting Deal Or No Deal? A Banker-with-a-saurus.' [pronounced '-sore-arse']"

Riotpolice took the golden opportunity to laugh at the Banker even though he was right, it wasn't funny at all.

Suddenly, he noticed something disturbing.

"Are all the audience leaving? What for? The joke can't have been THAT bad, but I mean... there must be some other motive for all the audience standing up and fleeing. It's a little disturbing."

The Banker turned around. "WHAT? Stop deserting me! Hey guys, come back! Please!!?!? COME BACK! I implore you! Why are you leaving me??! *sigh*" He turned to Riotpolice again. "It's... er... probably nothing to worry about. Anyway, on with this show. I hate you so much. 28,000 credits. Deal Or No Deal?"

If you No Deal, you will have to pick 3 more boxes before your next offer. The ones you have left are: 6 8 9 10 11 14 15.

[Riotpolice]

DEAL!
Future case picks: 6, 8, and 11!!

[PaperclipGames]

The odds to pick 3 out of 5 boxes that are lower than the current offer is only 5/28.
If you get a box that is one of the top 3 boxes (higher than current bank offer), which is 23/28, then it's a 2/3+ chance that at least one of the super high cases are gone, in which case the bank offers will drop and your only chance is to go for the last remaining box.

In other words, I'd take the deal.

Edit: ninja'd

[Tim Allen]

boring
shoulda gone for it