Remembering

Kieliko · 09-13-2009, 07:29 PM

By: Kieliko

I remember the day when I was a memory
The one you get when something is gone
The image placed in sight forever
Yes, I remember
The day the world grew dim
The thought of what people would do grew thin
The hope of knowing tomorrow ended with a single breath
Hoping, praying, wishing, waiting
Patience dulling like a knife
All the people that cared I leave my love
All the people that admire I send my hugs
All the people that never knew I existed I sent you my prayers
I’ll watch from far as everyone goes about their normal lives
Living as if it never happened
I remember the day when I was a memory
The one you get when something is gone
The image placed in sight forever
Yes I too have a memory
The memory when the earth became dark
The bodies of people crowed about
The voices of screams and the smell of bombs
The sadness of faces slowly blurring to white…. Then black
The slowing of one heartbeat and the start of millions
The stopping…..
Yes I will remember

Is there anything that I can improve on?

**rajdaddy** · 09-13-2009, 08:08 PM

Use big words, be original, and don't not make sense for the sake of rhyming, this just sounds like a generic teen angst poem, and there's millions of em.

Not trying to be mean or anything, just giving you constructive criticism, so don't take it up the butt kay?

**customstuff** · 09-13-2009, 08:09 PM

Really good. I don't know how you could improve this!

Kieliko · 09-14-2009, 09:35 PM

Rajdaddy, Its ok i asked for it there is not sense in taking it in the butt. Criticism is good it shows where i need to improve on. But i try to stay away from rhyming because it seems too babish. Big words eh?.... hmmm.. I trying using them and see how it all pans out. Thanks for the criticism so far, you have just given me some new ideas :P

**Emo_Saur_** · 09-14-2009, 09:47 PM

Is this about troops or war?

09-13-2009, 07:29 PM	#1
Kieliko FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Texas (for now) Posts: 3	Remembering By: Kieliko I remember the day when I was a memory The one you get when something is gone The image placed in sight forever Yes, I remember The day the world grew dim The thought of what people would do grew thin The hope of knowing tomorrow ended with a single breath Hoping, praying, wishing, waiting Patience dulling like a knife All the people that cared I leave my love All the people that admire I send my hugs All the people that never knew I existed I sent you my prayers I’ll watch from far as everyone goes about their normal lives Living as if it never happened I remember the day when I was a memory The one you get when something is gone The image placed in sight forever Yes I too have a memory The memory when the earth became dark The bodies of people crowed about The voices of screams and the smell of bombs The sadness of faces slowly blurring to white…. Then black The slowing of one heartbeat and the start of millions The stopping….. Yes I will remember Is there anything that I can improve on? __________________ <~gotta love em'

09-13-2009, 08:08 PM	#2
rajdaddy FFR Veteran Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 313	Re: Remembering Use big words, be original, and don't not make sense for the sake of rhyming, this just sounds like a generic teen angst poem, and there's millions of em. Not trying to be mean or anything, just giving you constructive criticism, so don't take it up the butt kay?

09-14-2009, 09:35 PM	#4
Kieliko FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Texas (for now) Posts: 3	Re: Remembering Rajdaddy, Its ok i asked for it there is not sense in taking it in the butt. Criticism is good it shows where i need to improve on. But i try to stay away from rhyming because it seems too babish. Big words eh?.... hmmm.. I trying using them and see how it all pans out. Thanks for the criticism so far, you have just given me some new ideas :P __________________ <~gotta love em'

09-14-2009, 09:47 PM	#5
Emo_Saur_ FFR Veteran Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Kansas City, Missouri. Age: 31 Posts: 2,952	Re: Remembering Is this about troops or war? __________________ [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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