Fluorescent's first work

[FluorescentArmy]

Intro

One day, just another day in Ishville. There was a little boy. Well, he wasn't exactly little.He was 5 foot 3, with brown hair, and green eyes. An odd boy you might say for the least. Hisname was Joseph McBrown. His parents call him Joey though. His Parents were an over protective lot.
They would always keep him inside when it was too hot, too cold, or just right. They didn't want him to get hurt. Joey had never been on vacation either. The family was too poor to afford it. His parents both had full time jobs that just sucked. The barely got over minimum wage. Which is not alot here in Pennsylvania. They loved and cared for there only son Joey no matter what. Then one day, everything suddenly changed. Joey's parents had been secretly saving 10 dollars here and there for the past 5 years. They were saving to move to a better place. They were saving to move to New York, New York.

The Move

Joey was very happy for this move. He had no friends at school. They all called him names. Joey had never done well academically either. He got C's and B's and the Occasional d. Except for science, he always got the big F. He hated, no loathed, science. He wished it to be cast into the infernal depths of hell, were it to be stabbed with
dull spoons for eternity.
The day of the move finally arrived. Joey awoke, filled with anticipation. He looked out his window and saw two men loading the dirt streaked U-Haul truck. He didn't care. It was his savior. No more bullies, a new life,
the big city, and more he was sure. His family got into there car and started to follow the U-Haul to their new life. His father broke the silence," Joey, do you think this was the right idea?" Joey replied, "Hellz yea
mofo." His mother said in an angry drawl, "Joseph, no more of that talk around me. I dont care, just no more of your black talk. Jesus Christ your white!" Joey Quieted down. He had always hated it when his mother
chaliced him for his racial comments. He had learned them from his dad. The biggest racist on the old block. Joey then got out his Gameboy and began to play Pokemon Red Vers.

Pokemon

Joey had never done to well at video games. This was a reason all of the kids made fun of him. While all of the other kids sat inside, Joey would roam the Ishville streets looking for anotherkid like himself.
Pokemon was a different story though. Joey could race through this game. Up to date, He has beat it 100% by catching all of the pokemon and getting all of the badges 158 times. He was working on 159. He began to doze off during the most boring part of the game. The Invasion of rocket headquarters. He saved shut the game boy off and slept. He slept until that next morning.

Almost there

When Joey awoke he realized how long he had slept. It was morning. He never like the morning. Today was different. He woke up in a foreign land. He was almost at New York. About 3 hours away his parents said.
He began to play gameboy, but it had low batteries, so he turned to his Tamagotchi. Joey never really liked his tamagotchi since he had no one to play them with. His monster would mutate a few times but then die.
He usually liked to torment them by not feeding them and training them too much. Today was different. He reset the game and began a new one. Five minutes later it hatched. He began to train it. He feed it and trained
it just right. Then his parents said in perfect unison, " Joey were here!"

There

He couldn't believe it. He could see New york. He was in the suburbs around it. He thought it was pretty cool. He exclaimed, " Wow This is fuc- awesome!" His parents giggled. They had never heard their own son stop
himself from swearing. They were proud. The U-Haul stopped at a house. Looking sort of like the other ones. Just a little different. It was beige in color, had a porch with a swing, had several windows, and he could see
the sliding doors in the back through the front door. He saw several african children playing basketball. He saw one his age. They stopped. They got out of the car, and the one kid walked over. He said, " What T3h H3ll 4R3 Y0 Cr4ck3r5 D01n9 H3r3?" Joey was stupified. Never once in his life had his racism been turned back on him. Joey said, " Well we just moved here.." The kid replied, " Why hello, and sorry for that back there. I was just kidding. My name is Marcus. Whats yours?" Joey said, "Joey." Marcus said," Are those your parents?" Joey replied," Yes they are. Where are yours?" Marcus slurred," They're Over in the house." He Pointed to the house beside Joey's. Joey thought, " Well I might as well be his friend." Joey Asked in a whisper," Do you want to be my friend?"
Marcus thought a moment. He screamed, " Yea, sure why not. I always thought you crakerz always hated us negroes. Joey laughed in his head. Joey's parents called him from inside the house. Joey said to Marcus, " Well I'll guess I will see you later!" Marcus said, " Yea." Marcus returned to his basketball hoop. JOey rushed inside the house.

A foreign World


Well I am going to stop there for now. I will probably drag this thing out. I would like some feedback. Especially from you Mal. You write awesome stories.

[Grandiagod]

Before I totally comment could you clarify on the style your using. Often times with short works the style is unclear until the second or third part. From what I can tell, your kind of doing a parody. In which case the feedback would be different from another style.

[FluorescentArmy]

Ok, that helps. I will be adding on. And my english teacher keeps telling me I have a unique style of writing. She says thats good.

[esupin]

I think you should try to follow the "show don't tell" rule. I'm sure you have a clear picture in your head of what kind of person Joey is, but don't include too much information; we only need to know the facts that matter to the plot/Joey's personality.

Alot of your sentences are short and choppy. You want to vary your sentence length, especially in the second paragraph. Make sure you look at the story in Word.

PS- Lol Tamagotchis.

[MalReynolds]

I was confused at what exactly you were going for in the story. Your sentences are very short, very choppy and lack description.

Your dialouge is also very bizarre (not that mine is any better) but the way you structure your story gramatically makes it frustrated to read.

Joey seems like an interesting character, but why would a character so sheltered be so in tune with how to swear? If his parents kept him inside all the time, how does he know the bad words? Don't respond to this question in your next post: Work it into the story.

It's just very bizzare and strangley written. It's different from a lot of things I've read before (which is both good and bad) but all in all, I'm just confused by it more than anything else.

Mal