Constructive Criticism Please :D

[crumheart32605]

Both of these were longer but I was unsure of some of the parts so I cut them. I'm sure I'll get flamed but I was looking for some constructive criticism on how I could make my writing better. I'm really not too happy with the way everything I write has been coming out lately. Hopefully someone will comment

Enraptured in her macabre beauty,
Waxen flesh resonated a fragrant necrosis
Through the glacial midnight air his words touched her ears…
“Hecate, you live in my dreams.”
“I’ve relived this phantasm seven-thousand times
In dreaming, I dance to your sweet voice of amaranthine
Each eventide nears a kiss from your gilded lips
And in each nightmare I’m guided by your nectarous scent
Yet each sunrise, brilliance floods my resting eye…
And I wake without you there.”



&



"Apocrypha"
The waxing moon refracted in their eyes
But the afterglow of lust lit up the untouched midnight sky
Unclean fingertips entwined,
While sin rests on their lips
When he closes his eyes she begs for forgiveness
& tonight delivers an unholy sacrifice,
A whore kneeled before the cross
Carnal hands that have lined every sin in this city
Are pleading to return home

[omgitznpv]

I don't like the confusing jargon because I'm stupid and don't understand it.

It doesn't seem to flow very well to me, but keep in mind I'm a complete ignorant douchebag.

Otherwise, I like them.

[ShastaTwist]

It kind of seems like you're using big words to make up for your lack of poetic ability.

The first poem sounds like necrophilia to me.

[crumheart32605]

ShastaTwist, umm.. thanks for the criticism, though it wasn't very constructive. As for the mention of necrophilia, the poem was talking about falling in love with someone you can't be with, hence the reference to Hecate. If you don't know who that is then look it up or something. Anyway, I suppose I could work on using less confusing words.

[summerhill]

Originally Posted by crumheart32605

Both of these were longer but I was unsure of some of the parts so I cut them. I'm sure I'll get flamed but I was looking for some constructive criticism on how I could make my writing better. I'm really not too happy with the way everything I write has been coming out lately. Hopefully someone will comment

Enraptured in her macabre beauty,
Waxen flesh resonated a fragrant necrosis
Through the glacial midnight air his words touched her ears…
“Hecate, you live in my dreams.”
“I’ve relived this phantasm seven-thousand times
In dreaming, I dance to your sweet voice of amaranthine
Each eventide nears a kiss from your gilded lips
And in each nightmare I’m guided by your nectarous scent
Yet each sunrise, brilliance floods my resting eye…
And I wake without you there.”



&



"Apocrypha"
The waxing moon refracted in their eyes
But the afterglow of lust lit up the untouched midnight sky
Unclean fingertips entwined,
While sin rests on their lips
When he closes his eyes she begs for forgiveness
& tonight delivers an unholy sacrifice,
A whore kneeled before the cross
Carnal hands that have lined every sin in this city
Are pleading to return home

rough translation of #1:


Enchanted by her bizarre beauty,

pale skin that looks of death ,

through the cold of night she hears his words,

"you, my idol, live in my dreams,

a dream i have had 7000 times,

in which i bask in your undying voice,

each night brings me closer to a kiss from your golden lips

and in nightmares i am protected by your sweet scent,

yet every morning when im woken by the suns fresh rays

you are not by my side"
the original is much more poetic....i like it.......

[omgitznpv]

Originally Posted by crumheart32605

ShastaTwist, umm.. thanks for the criticism, though it wasn't very constructive. As for the mention of necrophilia, the poem was talking about falling in love with someone you can't be with, hence the reference to Hecate. If you don't know who that is then look it up or something. Anyway, I suppose I could work on using less confusing words.

It seems constructive to me.

Use confusing words if it will go well with the poem. For example, don't make a poem intended for a little kid in kindergarten and expect them to understand the same words you used in those poems.

These words rather subtract from the poem, since the majority of the audience (the FFR community, so far) will have absolutely no clue what you're talking about.

Question: Is your vocabulary actually sophisticated, or are you searching for more complex words (I'm just wondering. Not intended to offend you or anything)?

[All_That_Chaz]

look hun, these poems are an exercise in shift+F7. don't yell at people for pointing it out.

i don't think who the audience is really matters but your poetry alienates all audiences. i feel like these ideas are developed only within your head and you need to bring the reader in. the elevated diction, even if it is read by a reader who knows what all the words mean, serves only to separate the reader from the poet, especially when you fill the poems to the brim with it.

[crumheart32605]

My apologies if I seemed rude. I don't try to use big words because I want to look intelligent or separate the readers from what I'm trying to say. I really didn't realize that I was making it hard for people to read. I'm not a thesaurus freak either but this is what I wanted. My main problem seems to be my vocabulary so I will try to work on that. Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate it.

[omgitznpv]

Originally Posted by crumheart32605

My apologies if I seemed rude. I don't try to use big words because I want to look intelligent or separate the readers from what I'm trying to say. I really didn't realize that I was making it hard for people to read. I'm not a thesaurus freak either but this is what I wanted. My main problem seems to be my vocabulary so I will try to work on that. Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate it.

I'd like to see your next poem, if possible.

I tend to use larger words as a habit (when I write essays, stories, etc.), but I found it easy to steer away from that when I had to, even if it bugged me doing so (because the new words seemed forced to me).

[crumheart32605]

Aright.. well I tried. :/ Hopefully this is improvement but just in case I'm still confusing everyone (though I tried hard not to) I'll explain this one beforehand. It's basically about a struggling relationship where both people are proud, selfish, and want to be right all the time but they're still in love and want to overcome their problems.
Though I've already mentioned this thanks for responding and telling me what I was doing wrong.

You have waged your war very well
We’re left with enraged hearts, waiting for time to tell
Tonight we’ll rise, or will proud hearts prevail?
Fighting the most desperate enemy... ourselves

“Love will conquer all things”
But many hearts are discarded on it’s path to defeat
The shades of bloodshed stain your palms
But your covered in the scent of apologies
You’re reminded of when moonlight provided rest
Instead of endeavor to lay to waste
Tonight is a display of surrender at its best
We learn greed’s bitter taste

Ehhhhh :/ I know it's not wonderful or anything but I was trying to take into consideration everyone's responses.

[tsugomaru]

Originally Posted by crumheart32605

But you're covered in the scent of apologies

Here's a line a picked out because it hurt my eyes the most. That aside, your poetry is still confusing, even though less than before. It might just be me because I think a lot of poetry is confusing. In my opinion, good poetry must have a certain level of flow and I'm not getting that feeling.

~Tsugomaru

[Dragula219]

The only one I really enjoyed and think is a good poem is Apocrypha. The rest of them just don't have flow to them. It's also the only one that seems to be straight from your mind, as the others seem as if you had a thesaurus next to you (no offense if you didn't, but it just seems that way.)

[Izzy-chandess]

You know... the first one I thought he was committing necrophilia, too.... It seemed kind of morbid... however, since I am a smart person, I figured you meant some kind of deathly pale skin... like mine... *sob sob* I'm so white... ;_;

[MrRubix]

Even if you understand the words, it still sounds awkward. Long, obscure words don't usually work well in poetry unless they have an overly-obvious meaning or literary function

[Hudelf]

Originally Posted by MrRubix

Even if you understand the words, it still sounds awkward. Long, obscure words don't usually work well in poetry unless they have an overly-obvious meaning or literary function

Exactly what I was going to comment on. I have a rather extensive vocabulary, and it made perfect sense to me, but it did seem like you were going for an exercise in vocabularistic enhancement, rather than using the words to add depth and life to the poetry.

That aside, you have a knack for imagery, just use more natural language to show it.

Also, don't try to overdo it. When people are starting out with poetry, that's generally the most prevalent issue. Write what comes naturally, don't try to impress people by deliberately making the poetry seem more confusing than it actually is.

[Tokzic]

In both of them, you're masking cliches with vocabulary.

That basically summarizes both poems. Taylor hit it dead on.