Poem

[kryptonlegion]

ALWAYS

In the morning I get up
Jumping off the bed,
A spring in my step.
What a strange sensation
At the core of my soul.
I hope it stays with me
All day.
Slowly I remember my dream.
You talk with me
And I see you wonderful smile.
You walk with me
And I see your beautiful eyes.
I hope it stays with me
All day.
In the night I lay down
Resting on the bed,
A smile on my face.
What a strange sensation
At the core of my soul.
I hope it stays with me
Always.

[jono2007]

Originally Posted by kryptonlegion

ALWAYS

In the morning I get up
Jumping off the bed,
A spring in my step.
What a strange sensation
At the core of my soul.
I hope it stays with me
All day.
Slowly I remember my dream.
You talk with me
And I see you wonderful smile.
You walk with me
And I see your beautiful eyes.
I hope it stays with me
All day.
In the night I lay down
Resting on the bed,
A smile on my face.
What a strange sensation
At the core of my soul.
I hope it stays with me
Always.

Descriptive using a repetitive tone. Quite good, but to be blunt, I'm kind of sick of poems with all the 'I love this girl' sh*t. That's what this poem is about, right? A dude wakes up, deels good, remembers a dream about a girl, smiles, feels good, hopes the feeling stays. That about sums it up. Sorry if I'm being insensitive, but that's the way I feel. It's an opinion. I rest my case.

[kryptonlegion]

Originally Posted by jono2007

Descriptive using a repetitive tone. Quite good, but to be blunt, I'm kind of sick of poems with all the 'I love this girl' sh*t. That's what this poem is about, right? A dude wakes up, deels good, remembers a dream about a girl, smiles, feels good, hopes the feeling stays. That about sums it up. Sorry if I'm being insensitive, but that's the way I feel. It's an opinion. I rest my case.

Everything does not need to be analyzed. And I am sorry that you are not more open-minded.

[Zythus]

I liked the repetition on "All Day." Then with a dramatic contrast on "Always.", but thats about it. A common style in a more preliminary poem, you are too literal. Although the imagery was reasonable, you lack the euphemism of a more refined poem. Substitute some of the more blunt lines with ones that holds more allegorical phrasing.
(example:
You talk with me
And I see you wonderful smile.
You walk with me
And I see your beautiful eyes.
)


Jono, that wasn't nice, but I do somewhat agree that a poem from a first person perspective can result horribly.

[indigo23]

Originally Posted by jono2007

I'm kind of sick of poems with all the 'I love this girl' sh*t.

don't take your criticisms too personally --- i like it a lot. =) keep writing!

[Tokzic]

There's nothing wrong with love poems.

There's a lot wrong with dull, unimaginative love poems.

[jono2007]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

There's nothing wrong with love poems.

There's a lot wrong with dull, unimaginative love poems.

Completely true. I would hate a rendition of "Roses are Red" going too far.

[Zythus]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

There's nothing wrong with love poems.

There's a lot wrong with dull, unimaginative love poems.

I hate to be biased to judge a poem, but I ought to disagree that "nothing is wrong with love poems".

I'm very against thematic poetry revolving around love, maybe even more than Jono. Stereotypically, its a spin off of:
-A painful past
-Met this person
-Obsession towards this person.
...thats how I justify it anyhow. If you really want to write about love, write an ode, something worthy to read that gives in sight and not a few lines that literally shouts "Oh god...I like this person and um...yeah....I like how she acts."
I'm not targeting this thread to say such a thing, but ^ is my personal opinion.

On another note, this forum needs more poem entries! Not that I dislike stories, I don't find them nearly as fascinating D:

Poems Pl0x.

[Tokzic]

I said there's a lot wrong with dull, unimaginative love poems.

Like almost all of them.

Including this one.

[Zythus]

Quite.

[Murtaug]

cool ^^