free form fun?

**basicdrummerman** · 09-4-2009, 10:54 AM

just looking for some feedback, like it or not just tell me what you think.

the silence is deafening
so rare and surreal
a loss of a sense
such an odd way to feel
wanting to scream
but unable to break this moment
rendered completely mute
with no sign of refute
entirely entangled
by this new sense of being
no thoughts run through
as this silence grew
engrossing every last bit
of everything around where I sit
no thoughts
no sounds
only the smell of late spring
blossoming flowers,trees,bushes
carried effortlessly by the most wonderful breeze
flowing off the lake as if water itself
moving slowly but perfectly
so light it can't be heard
it counters the fire of the sun
down to more like embers at night
after a long day of fun
so unbelievably beautiful
all so relaxed
the silence is deafening
and I'm o.k. with that

**basicdrummerman** · 09-7-2009, 07:40 PM

bump for comments
please some feed back

Spheroid · 09-26-2009, 12:00 AM

It's the sign of the times when no one will respond to a poem like this - you've got some great stuff going here. The overall form is very nice. I especially like what you've done on line 6. After setting up four lines in a metered fashion, you break the meter while at the same time your character is wishing he could break the moment. This really accentuates you're idea, and is very effective. Some of your language is very well chosen - I'm especially jealous of "entirely entangled." You're last line, although not as descriptive, is also well done. It adds an informality to your voice that makes you seem more honest, and less prone to being too profound. Also, you're use of repetition subtle and quite powerful. "No thoughts," makes the middle of your poem flow much more nicely, and repeating the opening line goes a long way towards giving it a message.

But of course, you really came here for criticism, not just to be praised. While the first four lines are very well phrased, many of the others suffer by comparison. It gives the impression that you came up with one verse you really liked, and then felt obligated to finish the rest. Lines 7 & 8 are probably the worst - the rhyme just feels forced. To remedy, consider using the same meter as lines 3 & 4. This would improve the flow, and strengthen line 6 even more. Lastly, it might help to consider your poem in two parts, the break being after "no thoughts/ no sounds." If you meter out everything in the first part, than the free form afterwards might be made all the more effective.

**hi_top** · 09-26-2009, 12:03 AM

I really enjoyed this.

NFD · 09-26-2009, 01:24 AM

dreadful

**basicdrummerman** · 09-28-2009, 02:34 PM

Spheroid, thanks for the praise and criticism, i will take it to heart and see how i can improve using your advice.

**basicdrummerman** · 09-29-2009, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poorblindman

i cried. :'(

really?

oh and i fixed the line of mute/refute

IamMoFo · 09-29-2009, 04:16 PM

Pretty good. In a way, it's very descriptive.

**basicdrummerman** · 11-3-2009, 06:26 PM

any more criticism to help me better on my writings?

MalReynolds · 11-6-2009, 08:30 AM

Don't hinge on the same piece to gain the most experience from. Write more, post moar, get more criticism.

09-4-2009, 10:54 AM	#1
basicdrummerman rusty old fart Event Staff Join Date: Oct 2007 Age: 31 Posts: 1,257	free form fun? just looking for some feedback, like it or not just tell me what you think. the silence is deafening so rare and surreal a loss of a sense such an odd way to feel wanting to scream but unable to break this moment rendered completely mute with no sign of refute entirely entangled by this new sense of being no thoughts run through as this silence grew engrossing every last bit of everything around where I sit no thoughts no sounds only the smell of late spring blossoming flowers,trees,bushes carried effortlessly by the most wonderful breeze flowing off the lake as if water itself moving slowly but perfectly so light it can't be heard it counters the fire of the sun down to more like embers at night after a long day of fun so unbelievably beautiful all so relaxed the silence is deafening and I'm o.k. with that __________________ Last edited by basicdrummerman; 09-29-2009 at 02:49 PM..

09-7-2009, 07:40 PM	#2
basicdrummerman rusty old fart Event Staff Join Date: Oct 2007 Age: 31 Posts: 1,257	Re: free form fun? bump for comments please some feed back __________________

09-26-2009, 12:00 AM	#3
Spheroid FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: The Free Press Ltd. Posts: 412	Re: free form fun? It's the sign of the times when no one will respond to a poem like this - you've got some great stuff going here. The overall form is very nice. I especially like what you've done on line 6. After setting up four lines in a metered fashion, you break the meter while at the same time your character is wishing he could break the moment. This really accentuates you're idea, and is very effective. Some of your language is very well chosen - I'm especially jealous of "entirely entangled." You're last line, although not as descriptive, is also well done. It adds an informality to your voice that makes you seem more honest, and less prone to being too profound. Also, you're use of repetition subtle and quite powerful. "No thoughts," makes the middle of your poem flow much more nicely, and repeating the opening line goes a long way towards giving it a message. But of course, you really came here for criticism, not just to be praised. While the first four lines are very well phrased, many of the others suffer by comparison. It gives the impression that you came up with one verse you really liked, and then felt obligated to finish the rest. Lines 7 & 8 are probably the worst - the rhyme just feels forced. To remedy, consider using the same meter as lines 3 & 4. This would improve the flow, and strengthen line 6 even more. Lastly, it might help to consider your poem in two parts, the break being after "no thoughts/ no sounds." If you meter out everything in the first part, than the free form afterwards might be made all the more effective. __________________ G-Bin Press Issue 4 G-Bin Press Issue 3 G-Bin Press Issue 2 G-Bin Press Issue 1

09-26-2009, 12:03 AM	#4
hi_top FFR Veteran Join Date: Jul 2007 Age: 31 Posts: 1,427	Re: free form fun? I really enjoyed this.

09-26-2009, 01:24 AM	#5
NFD FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: I see us on a beach down in, Mexico Age: 31 Posts: 4,715	Re: free form fun? dreadful __________________

09-28-2009, 02:34 PM	#6
basicdrummerman rusty old fart Event Staff Join Date: Oct 2007 Age: 31 Posts: 1,257	Re: free form fun? Spheroid, thanks for the praise and criticism, i will take it to heart and see how i can improve using your advice. __________________

09-29-2009, 04:16 PM	#8
IamMoFo FFR Player Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Pico Rivera, CA Posts: 63	Re: free form fun? Pretty good. In a way, it's very descriptive. __________________ I'm mostly for ITG. Nah, I don't care. [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

11-3-2009, 06:26 PM	#9
basicdrummerman rusty old fart Event Staff Join Date: Oct 2007 Age: 31 Posts: 1,257	Re: free form fun? any more criticism to help me better on my writings? __________________

11-6-2009, 08:30 AM	#10
MalReynolds CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: A Denny's Bathroom. Age: 36 Posts: 6,571	Re: free form fun? Don't hinge on the same piece to gain the most experience from. Write more, post moar, get more criticism. __________________ "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!

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