Superficial Desires

[u84]

Superficial Desires

The line between joy and sorrow is paper thin

because neither exist.

Perceptive reality isn't true in any case,

it's all just imaginary

What is a beautiful portrait to a blind man?

What is a harmonious symphony to a deaf man?

Absolutely nothing.

Why do they mean anything to us?


Lemme know if I sound too much like a whiny bitch..
I edited it with all of your criticisms. Thanks for the posts.

[MooMoo_Cowfreak]

Part by part analysis:

Superficial Desires
K intro cool.

The line between joy and sorrow is paper thin
because neither exist.
Nifty, I like it.

Perceptive reality isnt true in any case,
its all just imaginary
I guess it works, but it's not gonna win anything special.

Whats a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
What is a symphony to a deaf man?
Wow very cool. Very much the best part of the poem. I can really just picture (cliche, I know) these people not enjoying these wonderful things.

What is a 5 star meal to a man with no tongue?
This is commonly referred to as "Overstaying your welcome." The rhythm doesn't fit in, and the line doesn't go with the couplety feel of the whole poem.

Absolutely nothing.

Why do they mean anything to us?
Good way to end the poem.

All in all, you don't sound like a whiny bitch. Just get rid of the 5 star meal line.

[fido123]

I really did enjoy this. I've actually been thinking about how happiness doesn't really exist as it's just perception. 10/10...except you forgot an apostrophe on "isnt" on your 4th line.

[Verruckter]

Poetry isn't just
pressing enter in
the middle of a
sentence.

You whole poem lacks in fluidity, feeling, figures of speech, images, etc... It's all sterile and uncomfortable to read.

imo

[hoochan]

Originally Posted by Verruckter

Poetry isn't just
pressing enter in
the middle of a
sentence.

You whole poem lacks in fluidity, feeling, figures of speech, images, etc... It's all sterile and uncomfortable to read.

imo

yea but youre a really good critic that goes much deeper than expected

[MystictheHedgehog]

I agree with MooMoo. I liked the poem, you definitely don't sound too whiny here. Those lines:
"Whats a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
What is a symphony to a deaf man?"
is just flat out amazing. Like MooMoo said though, the 5-star meal one, eh, not so much.

Overall about a 8/10 to me. Like I said, the 6th and 7th lines were amazing. It would be about a 9.6 if you could fix up the 8th line though. But I still liked it.

[Verruckter]

Originally Posted by hoochan

yea but youre a really good critic that goes much deeper than expected

Sarcasm?

[robertsona]

If he is, gtfo.
Hoochan, Verruckter is giving u84 some good advice, which is what most people look for when posting stories/poems here. He is being a helpful poster, while all you are doing is trolling, which is all you seem to be capable of doing.
Please get out of FFR.
Thanks,
Robertsona.

[hoochan]

Originally Posted by Verruckter

Sarcasm?

No, I really like your criticism. I always try to find people who will give it to me straight but everyone is too scared of my reaction.

Most people don't understand that brutal, constructive criticism is the only real form of criticism. You can't get a sugar coated response if you really want to get better at whatever you're doing.

Also, Robert you can suck my dick. I haven't done **** to you so you back the **** off. Don't become a second rzr.

[robertsona]

alright, i thought you were just being a jerk

[hoochan]

oh well then whos up for makeup sex?

[MalReynolds]

To put this back on track:

I like free verse as much as the next guy, but I think it works a little better for longer poems. And while the subject matter isn't anything new, it's written with some semblance of competence, which is sorely lacking from most poems on here. So, kudos. You didn't make me want to kill myself.

[Verruckter]

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

To put this back on track:

I like free verse as much as the next guy, but I think it works a little better for longer poems. And while the subject matter isn't anything new, it's written with some semblance of competence, which is sorely lacking from most poems on here. So, kudos. You didn't make me want to kill myself.

Yeah, it wasn't extremely cheesy or clumsy in a 14-year-old-poet way, but it was nothing extraordinary.

Originally Posted by hoochan

No, I really like your criticism. I always try to find people who will give it to me straight but everyone is too scared of my reaction.

Most people don't understand that brutal, constructive criticism is the only real form of criticism. You can't get a sugar coated response if you really want to get better at whatever you're doing.

Also, Robert you can suck my dick. I haven't done **** to you so you back the **** off. Don't become a second rzr.

Yeah, I try to be constructive with stuff made by posters here.

[EnR]

Whats a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
What is a symphony to a deaf man?
What is a 5 star meal to a man with no tongue?

I'm just wondering, wouldn't it be better if you used What's for all three. You used Whats for the first one, then What is for the other two.

[mead1]

I'm going to try to avoid repeating what's already been said in this thread. To further critique what EnR quoted, I would recommend adding an adjective describing the symphony, as the portrait and meal both have words or phrases describing them.

Furthermore, lern2contractions. It isn't whats, it's what's. Isn't, not isnt. It's not its. The apostrophe is necessary. You can drop most grammar and punctuation in the name of free-verse poetry, but in the case of whats and its, without the apostrophe, it's just wrong.

The text color means nothing and should be dropped.

[u84]

Alright, thanks guys. I just edited it a bit. Your critiquing was really helpful.

P.S. I wrote this up from in my head within minutes, so I didn't really edit the lack of punctuation. Thanks for letting me know, though.

[Verruckter]

Still meh.

imo

I'd start over again and think imagination, not literal.