Some trial writing

Benny1 · 01-12-2006, 07:36 PM

It wasn't a very pleasant night. The storms from the day before had left the roads flooded, making all trade come to a stop. This wasn't good for Terron (yeah the name sucks), because it was a very desolate farmtown, and couldn't get much other than livestock and grain for itself, and they needed constant supplies brought in. Whenever a trader came in, they were always suprised by the sudden bustle of a farm town, because it was so far from other civilization. Some wondered why it was there, if it served a purpose or not, or just was meant do be.

It was almost as if the town had been selected for destruction, for the thunder had been some of the loudest they have ever heard, and the lightning started many trees on fire, although they were instantly extiguished by the raging torrents of rain. This had depressed Albar (oh my god bad name) because, being a short, energetic 7 year old, had wanted to play, but he needed to stay inside, so he helped his Aunt Illena around the kitchen. Although he hated doing this work, he didn't like to see his Aunt doing so much work, for this was a very closely tied community, and many people ate together, so vast meals must be prepared every day. Turkey, chicken, pork, bread, cheese, and of course, ale. Although Albar could not drink any himself, he wasn't sure he wanted to, as he watched his friends descend into drunkess. The night went by uneventful, just as any night of the town had.

The next day, after trying to make any progress on the mess of blond fur that many people called hair. And with his dark brown eyes glowing, he want to face another day around town. As was always planned, under the enormous tree at the center, he met his friends, the tall and beautiful Ziana, short but forcefull Goran, and the huge but gentle Dion. "You're late," exclaimed Goran. "I needed to help after breakfast, the dishes don't clean themselves, and sometimes I worry if we overwork Illena," said Albar. "Well, lets not worry about that, it's done. Have you heard the latest rumors? They say a vagabound has come around, and your aunt seems to know him.".

Okay, kind of a bad place to cut off, this is a test, I wanted to see what I could do if I tried writing, you haven't seen much plot, but how is the feel for the place, and I know the names suck, I can't think of names.

Trust me, I have a good idea for plot, and if you want more, I'll do it.

Benny1 · 01-17-2006, 06:37 PM

The next few days were probably the strangest Albar ever experienced. As he saw this vagabound interact with his Mother, he knew they knew one another from the distant past. This made no sense, as His mother has told him all of her life, and he was never mentioned. They seemed to never be on great terms, calling each other hawk, and wolf, and many other animals. Also, making things even stranger, Illena seemed to be changing slowly. She went from her working, careful, and graceful self to a more sly and sneaky person Albar had never seen.

"You're imagining it," claimed Dion, and Goran repeatly told him he just needed to get some more sleep, but he was sure they were wrong. Something was going on here, and he knew it was going to happen soon.

Finally, on Albar's 8th birthday, the unkown vagabound and Illena decided it was time for a trip. They were heading to the bustling city of Tolena. They both agreed Albar needed o learn about the outer world, and this would be the best way. Dion was quite depressed, and was very sad to see his good friend go. Goran thought it was a good riddance, and as a birthday gift, Ziana gave him a kiss.

In his three years at the almost corrupt with greed city of Tolena he learned the arts of trade. He had an idea of how to get hte best of any deal, and was on his way to becoming an adept in the game of trade, when he was brought back to Terron. However, the mysterious old vagabound said he had work to do, and left at that, with Illena swearing under her breath, something Albar had never heard her do.

Another abrupt cutoff, sorry about that.

Lightknight924 · 01-17-2006, 06:44 PM

They aren't really such bad places to cut off. It's fairly nice so far. Continue.

IAMTHEEVILBEAN · 01-17-2006, 06:50 PM

Not even good. Try not spelling words wrong. Fragments are usually avoided in writing as well.

By the way the names are terrible.

Benny1 · 01-17-2006, 07:00 PM

Originally I wrote a response to that post then I realized it that it was THE EVIL BEAN and I totally disregarded that XD.

I was wondering if it was vagabound of vagabond, but I was too lazy to look it up at the time. Other spelling mistakes are from the lack of proofreading, that I would be doing if I was actually going to complete this story and stuff.

In fact, I would be typing this in word if I really took it seriously.

Also, there are fragments in this? Where? I'm not good at proofreading my own stuff, but it doesn't seem like these are fragments.

Oh, it randomly switched from his aunt to his mom.

oh ninja edit I totally see what you mean, I put a period instead of a comma in one part, and probably some other stuff like that.

**Moogy** · 01-17-2006, 07:03 PM

Horrible, childish writing. This sounds like a 4th grade creative writing exercise.

You retards are going to force me to post stuff I'VE written...

Lightknight924 · 01-17-2006, 07:09 PM

Pwn us Moogy.

Benny1 · 01-17-2006, 07:24 PM

I don't think it's quite 4th grade, but I can write a lot better than this.

If I ever feel like it, I will really seriously try some decent writing, not some abrupt story that I feel like writing whenever. This took no effort, and I probably won't continue it much more, if any.

IAMTHEEVILBEAN · 01-17-2006, 07:29 PM

Benny: You can deny my comments all that you want, but it isn't going to make you a better writer. Your work is full of run-on sentences and other errors that I don't feel like pointing out. Read through it and you will (hopefully) notice.

Benny1 · 01-17-2006, 07:57 PM

Yeah, I think I messed up with teh conjuctions and stuff in some of the long sentences. There are also many many small errors all throughout it.

LIKE I SAID, IF I TOOK THIS SERIOUSLY, THESE ERRORS WOULD NOT BE THERE.

**Reach** · 01-20-2006, 07:55 PM

Take it seriously please.

I already told you about the run on sentences. There isn't much plot/character developement yet either. Get some vivid imagery going, fix the mistakes and edit it a bit, and repost the more developed version when it's ready

MalReynolds · 01-20-2006, 08:49 PM

Of course, I wouldn't put it past Moogy to plagarize, import from Japan or have his parents buy him some writing to claim as his own.

Seriously, Moogy, either put up or shut up.

Mal

Benny1 · 01-22-2006, 09:06 AM

okay I'm rewriting this basiclly entirely, because I rushed the story, because I was being lazy and I wanted to make something happen, but it totally destroyed all possible character development, and made it sound like crap. Oh yeah, I'll type it now in word, so I can catch my spelling mistakes easier.

esupin · 01-22-2006, 12:21 PM

I'm confused about the vagabond. So he came from another place... Maybe you should describe him for us.

**Chromer** · 01-22-2006, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

Of course, I wouldn't put it past Moogy to plagarize, import from Japan or have his parents buy him some writing to claim as his own.

Seriously, Moogy and Fojar, either put up or shut up.

Mal

MalReynolds · 01-22-2006, 05:50 PM

I didn't say FoJar... He's actually one of my best critics.

Mal

01-12-2006, 07:36 PM	#1
Benny1 FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The time was prophesied that will approach surely. Age: 32 Posts: 1,146	Some trial writing It wasn't a very pleasant night. The storms from the day before had left the roads flooded, making all trade come to a stop. This wasn't good for Terron (yeah the name sucks), because it was a very desolate farmtown, and couldn't get much other than livestock and grain for itself, and they needed constant supplies brought in. Whenever a trader came in, they were always suprised by the sudden bustle of a farm town, because it was so far from other civilization. Some wondered why it was there, if it served a purpose or not, or just was meant do be. It was almost as if the town had been selected for destruction, for the thunder had been some of the loudest they have ever heard, and the lightning started many trees on fire, although they were instantly extiguished by the raging torrents of rain. This had depressed Albar (oh my god bad name) because, being a short, energetic 7 year old, had wanted to play, but he needed to stay inside, so he helped his Aunt Illena around the kitchen. Although he hated doing this work, he didn't like to see his Aunt doing so much work, for this was a very closely tied community, and many people ate together, so vast meals must be prepared every day. Turkey, chicken, pork, bread, cheese, and of course, ale. Although Albar could not drink any himself, he wasn't sure he wanted to, as he watched his friends descend into drunkess. The night went by uneventful, just as any night of the town had. The next day, after trying to make any progress on the mess of blond fur that many people called hair. And with his dark brown eyes glowing, he want to face another day around town. As was always planned, under the enormous tree at the center, he met his friends, the tall and beautiful Ziana, short but forcefull Goran, and the huge but gentle Dion. "You're late," exclaimed Goran. "I needed to help after breakfast, the dishes don't clean themselves, and sometimes I worry if we overwork Illena," said Albar. "Well, lets not worry about that, it's done. Have you heard the latest rumors? They say a vagabound has come around, and your aunt seems to know him.". Okay, kind of a bad place to cut off, this is a test, I wanted to see what I could do if I tried writing, you haven't seen much plot, but how is the feel for the place, and I know the names suck, I can't think of names. Trust me, I have a good idea for plot, and if you want more, I'll do it. __________________

01-17-2006, 06:37 PM	#2
Benny1 FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The time was prophesied that will approach surely. Age: 32 Posts: 1,146	RE: Some trial writing The next few days were probably the strangest Albar ever experienced. As he saw this vagabound interact with his Mother, he knew they knew one another from the distant past. This made no sense, as His mother has told him all of her life, and he was never mentioned. They seemed to never be on great terms, calling each other hawk, and wolf, and many other animals. Also, making things even stranger, Illena seemed to be changing slowly. She went from her working, careful, and graceful self to a more sly and sneaky person Albar had never seen. "You're imagining it," claimed Dion, and Goran repeatly told him he just needed to get some more sleep, but he was sure they were wrong. Something was going on here, and he knew it was going to happen soon. Finally, on Albar's 8th birthday, the unkown vagabound and Illena decided it was time for a trip. They were heading to the bustling city of Tolena. They both agreed Albar needed o learn about the outer world, and this would be the best way. Dion was quite depressed, and was very sad to see his good friend go. Goran thought it was a good riddance, and as a birthday gift, Ziana gave him a kiss. In his three years at the almost corrupt with greed city of Tolena he learned the arts of trade. He had an idea of how to get hte best of any deal, and was on his way to becoming an adept in the game of trade, when he was brought back to Terron. However, the mysterious old vagabound said he had work to do, and left at that, with Illena swearing under her breath, something Albar had never heard her do. Another abrupt cutoff, sorry about that. __________________

01-17-2006, 06:44 PM	#3
Lightknight924 FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New York Age: 31 Posts: 1,164	RE: Some trial writing They aren't really such bad places to cut off. It's fairly nice so far. Continue.

01-17-2006, 06:50 PM	#4
IAMTHEEVILBEAN FFR Player Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Michigan Posts: 3,078	RE: Some trial writing Not even good. Try not spelling words wrong. Fragments are usually avoided in writing as well. By the way the names are terrible.

01-17-2006, 07:00 PM	#5
Benny1 FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The time was prophesied that will approach surely. Age: 32 Posts: 1,146	RE: Some trial writing Originally I wrote a response to that post then I realized it that it was THE EVIL BEAN and I totally disregarded that XD. I was wondering if it was vagabound of vagabond, but I was too lazy to look it up at the time. Other spelling mistakes are from the lack of proofreading, that I would be doing if I was actually going to complete this story and stuff. In fact, I would be typing this in word if I really took it seriously. Also, there are fragments in this? Where? I'm not good at proofreading my own stuff, but it doesn't seem like these are fragments. Oh, it randomly switched from his aunt to his mom. oh ninja edit I totally see what you mean, I put a period instead of a comma in one part, and probably some other stuff like that. __________________

01-17-2006, 07:03 PM	#6
Moogy 嗚呼 Join Date: Aug 2003 Age: 34 Posts: 10,303	RE: Some trial writing Horrible, childish writing. This sounds like a 4th grade creative writing exercise. You retards are going to force me to post stuff I'VE written... __________________ Plz visit my blog ^^^ vintage signature from like 2006 preserved

01-17-2006, 07:09 PM	#7
Lightknight924 FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New York Age: 31 Posts: 1,164	RE: Some trial writing Pwn us Moogy.

01-17-2006, 07:24 PM	#8
Benny1 FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The time was prophesied that will approach surely. Age: 32 Posts: 1,146	RE: Some trial writing I don't think it's quite 4th grade, but I can write a lot better than this. If I ever feel like it, I will really seriously try some decent writing, not some abrupt story that I feel like writing whenever. This took no effort, and I probably won't continue it much more, if any. __________________

01-17-2006, 07:29 PM	#9
IAMTHEEVILBEAN FFR Player Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Michigan Posts: 3,078	Re: Some trial writing Benny: You can deny my comments all that you want, but it isn't going to make you a better writer. Your work is full of run-on sentences and other errors that I don't feel like pointing out. Read through it and you will (hopefully) notice.

01-17-2006, 07:57 PM	#10
Benny1 FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The time was prophesied that will approach surely. Age: 32 Posts: 1,146	RE: Re: Some trial writing Yeah, I think I messed up with teh conjuctions and stuff in some of the long sentences. There are also many many small errors all throughout it. LIKE I SAID, IF I TOOK THIS SERIOUSLY, THESE ERRORS WOULD NOT BE THERE. __________________

01-20-2006, 07:55 PM	#11
Reach FFR Simfile Author Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Canada Age: 37 Posts: 7,471	Take it seriously please. I already told you about the run on sentences. There isn't much plot/character developement yet either. Get some vivid imagery going, fix the mistakes and edit it a bit, and repost the more developed version when it's ready __________________

01-20-2006, 08:49 PM	#12
MalReynolds CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: A Denny's Bathroom. Age: 36 Posts: 6,571	Of course, I wouldn't put it past Moogy to plagarize, import from Japan or have his parents buy him some writing to claim as his own. Seriously, Moogy, either put up or shut up. Mal __________________ "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!

01-22-2006, 09:06 AM	#13
Benny1 FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: The time was prophesied that will approach surely. Age: 32 Posts: 1,146	okay I'm rewriting this basiclly entirely, because I rushed the story, because I was being lazy and I wanted to make something happen, but it totally destroyed all possible character development, and made it sound like crap. Oh yeah, I'll type it now in word, so I can catch my spelling mistakes easier. __________________

01-22-2006, 12:21 PM	#14
esupin FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Alphabet City, Manhattan Age: 35 Posts: 1,756	I'm confused about the vagabond. So he came from another place... Maybe you should describe him for us. __________________ http://www.youtube.com/esupin

01-22-2006, 05:50 PM	#16
MalReynolds CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: A Denny's Bathroom. Age: 36 Posts: 6,571	I didn't say FoJar... He's actually one of my best critics. Mal __________________ "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!

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