01-31-2011, 06:20 PM | #1 |
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Poem: In the sky
Originally named "Our souls" I decided to change it cause this sounds better. It was written for black history month. I'm not one to always celebrate it. (I am black just in case you were wondering) but i feel every now and again a few moments of silence should be taken to honor those fallen civil rights leaders and social equality advocates. Tell me what you think ^^
No tears are left to cry The pain slips away Our souls find rest in the sky. Sweating till thy skin is dry The sun burns with every ray No tears are left to cry. Sing loud brethren, by and by Thy voice shall lead the way Our souls find rest in the sky. Beaten down, with heads held high Skin ripped and torn away No tears are left to cry. Riding on wind, our spirits fly Father, lead us not astray Our souls find rest in the sky. Walking in faith till we die Together we’ll be someday When no tears are left to cry, Our souls find rest in the sky. Last edited by Midnighter; 02-5-2011 at 10:17 AM.. |
02-3-2011, 07:49 PM | #2 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Wow this was really pro. Nice rhyming
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02-4-2011, 12:53 PM | #3 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Good poem
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02-5-2011, 12:01 AM | #4 | |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Quote:
Is "Beaton" supposed to be Beaten? I think there are some lines that feel forced...they could be reworded. They don't really follow the rhythm that this poem has (highlighted in green). Ok last thing! I think you have some wordiness going on, I think you should go through read it alloud and listen for extra words. For example, "Beaton down, with heads held high" take out with, and when read there is a pause at the coma. With poetry every single word has a meaning, and every single word matters whether it's "a", "to", "it", whatever. Be selective only keep what matters. I like this a lot. It has a heaviness to it, that kinda just weighs on you while you read. It's nice but saddening, giving an interesting effect. Just go back revise, rewrite, revise, and rewrite. Hemingway once said "Your first draft is always shit. Writing is rewriting." Keep writing. |
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02-5-2011, 10:36 AM | #5 | |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Quote:
Last edited by Midnighter; 02-5-2011 at 10:41 AM.. |
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02-5-2011, 09:44 PM | #6 | |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Quote:
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02-5-2011, 10:06 PM | #7 |
Sic itur ad astra
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Re: Poem: In the sky
I enjoyed reading and reciting that poem. An issue I found was that you have a repeated use of "cry" or rhyming words thereof. You might have included it on purpose, so kudos to your for that; although, by using them repeatedly it draws away from the overall value of the message you're trying to portray. Try to incorporate different rhymes near the end, to allow for differentiation and more creativity and theme-development.
Nice job.
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02-5-2011, 10:24 PM | #8 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Hmm, Midnighter, I wanted to apologize, I now see the stanzas. I quoted your text before I read it. Now i'm looking at the original post and what do you know there are stanzas. Haha, sorry.
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02-6-2011, 02:55 PM | #9 | |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Quote:
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02-6-2011, 02:57 PM | #10 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Oh, there's no need to apologize. Your critiques have actually been the most helpful ^^
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02-10-2011, 03:05 AM | #11 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Repetition for no reason is generally a terrible idea. "Beaten down, with heads held high" is thick with expression and sounds meaningless.
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Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what |
02-16-2011, 10:14 PM | #12 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
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02-23-2011, 05:25 PM | #13 | |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Quote:
Well that's how I see it. When I read the poem, it gripped at my heart. |
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02-28-2011, 03:13 PM | #14 | |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Quote:
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03-6-2011, 12:03 AM | #15 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
This is crap
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03-6-2011, 08:29 AM | #16 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
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04-28-2011, 02:15 AM | #17 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Hmmm... A way to deal with the 'heaviness' of poetic forms like this is often to enjamb the lines. See "Terzanelle in Thunderweather" by Lewis Turco for a good example. It's in a related poetic form that he deals with admirably.
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05-19-2011, 11:54 PM | #18 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
Wow, so amazing
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05-19-2011, 11:56 PM | #19 |
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Re: Poem: In the sky
i enjoyed it good job
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