Santa, real or not? Read this and decide for yourself.

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Lemme first come out to say that I am not aiming to piss off anyone on the subject of santa. This is just a paper i got from one of my teachers and i think its hilarious. So dont sit there and stone me, cause i didnt come up with it myself. I really dont know who came up with all these statistics and remember that I did not put my opinion into this at all, Im just writing it word for word (not counting the typo's i may make =P). Just please dont let this ruin your holidays.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. But, there are at least 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has seen.



2. There are 2 billion children (under 18) in the world. But since Santa doesn't appear to handle Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, nor Jewish children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million or so. At an average rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.



3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to time zones and the rotation of the Earth, assuming that he travels from East to West. This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of his sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining gifts under the tree, eat the snacks, get back up the chimney, get into his sleigh, and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million houses are distributed evenly (which we know to be false but for the sake of these calculations we will accept), we are talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 71.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops.

This means that Santa's sleigh is traveling at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, the average reindeer runs at 15 miles per hour.



4. The sleigh's payload adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sided Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 TONS, not counting Santa, Who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" could pull 10 times the usual amount, we can not do the job with 8 or even 9. We need 214,000 reindeer. This increases the weight, not even counting the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison, this is 4 times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth II luxury liner (a gigantic boat).



5. Three hundred fifty-three thousand tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This will heat the reindeer in the same manner as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy, PER SECOND. EACH. In short, they will burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the next pair of reindeer, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times the force of gravity. A 300 pound Santa would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.



6. Conclusion : There was a Santa, but he's dead now.



According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, the only members of the deer family, Cervidae, to have females that do so, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a female.

To some people this should have been obvious. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

(Obviously thought of and written by a women who has nothing better to do than to demean men in an attempt to make herself look better.)