The worst job in the world.

[MalReynolds]

Who actually grows up wanting to be head of a Saltine Factory? It has to be the most spiteful, boring and hate filled job in the world. I mean, consider this: The man probably entered the factory at a young age to help buy a car or whatever, and kept it as a casual summer job, throughout college. Since he had schooling, they promote him to Shift Manager, and now he has so much in the company, he can't quit now. The pay is good, (enough to pay the bills and take his lady out for a nice dinner, on occasion) and there are some benefits (although dental isn't covered all the way. The co-pay is far too much), so he's not at a loss. A few years go by, and some new young hotshots start, working summers and during college, and soon they have another opening. Well, I mean, our man has been shift manager for a while and doesn't want to be around these hipsters, so he vies for the promotion simply because he doesn't want to work with what he used to be.

So, he outdoes all of his other shift-manager competition and becomes head manager, not quite the head of the factory, but getting there. He's now in his mid-thirties, supervising the creation of a cracker. A bland cracker. No one serves a meal and goes, "You know what would spice this meal the $*%# up? Saltines!" Saltines aren't even attractive; the cracker resembles a kid with acne, had he a square face. They're also bland flavor-wise. Usually, you add peanut butter, tuna, Cheeze-Whiz Food Product or another item to a Saltine pre-eating. They're not even Ritz crackers, which are just as tasty plain as they are covered in something.

So, he's supervising the creation of a cracker that is only bought in tandem with something to put on it. The benefits have increased, and so has the pay, making it easier to take his lady love out to dinner (even though his lady love has since changed roles since High-school. Instead of a cheerleader, she's a night-nurse that's always awake when you're asleep and vice-versa) even though your jobs almost exclusively prohibit dining out. He's one step away from the top, why not try and get it? It'd be better than having Johnson run the factory, because he's a smarmy ass that no one really likes.

So, you try and get promoted to the Head of the Factory out of sheer spite. It might also be noted that you will become head of most corporations out of spite of other people rather than necessity...

But that leads this man running a factory that creates one of the most bland food stuffs in the world (Outside of bamboo shoots and communion wafers). He got his Factory Head job to spite Johnson, he got his Shift Manager job out of shear hatred of youth, and he started working there, not intentionally for the rest of his life, but it just kind of happened because he couldn't draw himself away.

He doesn't even have the benefit of making a fun food, like Cheeze-Wiz. When one makes Cheeze-Wiz, they stop and go, "What a silly name our food has! People like putting this on Saltines, or they just eat it out of the easy-spray can!" Saltines do not come in easy spray cans; they come in hard to open sleeves. When you try to open a sleeve of saltines, they inevitably end up on the floor, but that's a tangent.

People who make Pringles know they make a fun food that people enjoy all the time! It comes in a fun can, has a great taste, and there are so many fuckin' flavors that I can't even count them all on one hand anymore. They bring joy to children's lunches across the world! You know what happens when a mother packs children Saltines? One of three things:

1: The child kills the mother some year later.
2: The child kills themselves later that day.
3: The child shoots up the school. All the school shootings? No, not neo-nazis or crazy children; it's the Saltines.

So, he's stuck running an un-fun food company out of spite. He hates his life, and he doesn't know how it came to this... And then a wave of realization sweeps over him. His life has become that of a saltine; slightly uneven, but in a predictable way, and in no way appealing on it's own.

Spiteful because he didn't want to end up here; he's only running the #$#ing place to show Johnson up.

Boring, because who the $*%# seriously eats saltines plain? His food is only delicious in cooperation with another food. Even jizz-moppers get to deal with strippers; peep shows and they KNOW that whom they're cleaning up after had fun at some point. That's not the case with Saltines. No one has fun with those.

Hate filled because he didn't want to end up here and his food is boring and he just knows that the kids down on the floor are going to end up in his office one day. Will he be a catcher in the rye and save these children from wasting their lives in this factory?

No.

So, he turns to heroin. But that's a tale for another day.

Mal