Criticize my story(not done)

[Loverofstories]

Skip this one if u dont want to read it first person :S
and this one a draft and its crappy :S
go down!!
i don't plan to write any books but i love writing stories and i wanted you to judge this one, by the way im not done and READ IT ALL BEFORE VOTING:
Things to know: Italized is what someone is thinking and no one has 2 paragraphs itialized ever, also this is not a love story, act 2 talks about ___(read to it, don’t wanna tell yeh) mostly a lot. Oh yeah and the People in Act 2 live in ancient USA that’s why they have strange names (native Americans/Indians). Remember hate corrupts… but so does love.

Genre: action/adventure with a little bit of romance (only in the beginning)

Prologue: The story is about 2 people Little Moon and The kingslayer (name is not mentioned at beginning). They are both on quests, one driven by hate and one by love. They will both help each other in ways unimaginable while they are on different sides of the globe. Each of their stories will be told for all to see, so read and find out…

Songs of Fire and Ice:
The Symphony Begins

Chapter 1
Grasping my sword tightly within my right hand I walked up the stairs up of the dreaded King Herones Palace. As I walked past two guards I had just slain I glanced to see if anymore had seen me. An archer was standing on the side of the enormous wall to my left pointing an arrow directly at me with a sense of determination.
I held my arrow tightly within my two fingers getting ready to release upon this invader. A moment before I shot I felt a sharp intense heat focusing inside the inner depths of my head and begin to grow like a wild fire upon a dry plain. Before I knew it I had burst in to flames from underneath my pale skin, and near the bottom of the colossal stairs was the invader that came glaring directly into my eyes with a malevolent look on his face. The world slowly faded away and I began to drift away from this cursed painful place…
“This King like all the rest shall die� I thought reminiscing on how the many Monarchs I had met betrayed me as if I was a fool. And the worst one of all…the one that burned my family upon the stake before my eyes. I was young then and was powerless, I almost begin to weep when I think of it, but I must not show my weakness. �That worthless b*stard!�, I yelled out, but only to find I was still alone walking up the thousand of steps to king Herones Palace.
About a long tiring hour later I came upon the last step and sighed with relief. An ominous figure appeared as my foot left the last step. It was a gorgeous woman with long beautiful jet black hair wearing a slightly “revealing� semi-transparent silk outfit that wrapped around her legs and split at the top, staring directly at me holding a set of vicious jagged claws.
Ah… a pitiful young man coming to slay the king..I knew he was coming. But like all the rest he shall beg for mercy at the rim of his life. Well he shall go no further!
I felt an icy cold chill run down my spine as the woman stared at me and I could no longer move. What is she doing to me! As my skin turned a bluish black color as if I had been frozen in ice for ages I futilely attempted to yell nothing came out, and I began to panic. She began to reach her arm out in the air
“prepare to die� she remarked cockily,
and a blue mist in the shape of her hand slowly emerged and approached me, as it reached into my chest I felt a cold piercing feeling upon me and I could no longer breathe. I stood there powerless, and I knew I was going to die, and that’s when an immense surge of heat came out of the depth of my soul and fire like water slowly cracked through the bottom of my scarred skin and then that’s when I gasped for air.

ACT 2:
Singing of Ice
Chapter 1:
Choir Of Tranquilities Call
All the way on the other side of the world Little Moon knelt before the small rushing stream reminiscing upon her childhood. Today she was to be married to Bear Warrior. Of course she was happy and she loves him, but she would miss her days of childhood when all she had on her mind was playing. She pulled out a flower from underneath the back of her ear and laid it upon the tranquil stream and it slowly made its way past the rocks and vanished from sight…
A few hours later her marriage ceremony was held and she smiled when she went to sleep that day full of joy.
As she awoke she left to the forest to gather bark. She then made my way out of the long house and into the forest. About 20 minutes later she stood up because she heard someone coming and there stood Bear Warrior and she smiled.
“Little Moon… a near by tribe of barbarians has declared war with us�
As he said that her face quickly changed from a smile to a more serious concerned look
“well you aren’t going are you?�
“I must go, we need to fight them off, for we all wish to live in peace� as Bear warrior said that she ran to Bear Warrior and wrapped herself around him
“please don’t fight!� she cried out to him but he knew he would have to go and end up going either way
“I’m sorry…� he said quietly
“you do not have to go, we can run off some place and…�
“no�, he quickly stopped her in mid-sentence,
“I would be a disgrace to our tribe and a disgrace to you�, with that said she began the cry furiously
“please, we just got married!� she screamed.
Bear warrior slowly released her from his arms and walked away and she still remained crying in the forest
And with that a long forgotten feeling came over him, a tear dropped from the long lost part of his eye…

(quick fix)