The Gordian Leg of Q: Why Opiates are Good

[The_Q]

A year ago this week I broke my leg. This pretty much sucks because now my shin pops whenever I walk. I can no longer play hockey, according to the doctors. Like I said, it sucks. The plus side? I got my shirt replaced today (remember that date with Jess? The one where my shirt was destroyed? I got that shirt replaced).

Anyway, I'll tell you guys my leg story because I know you love my stories (who DOESN'T like the stories of my mishaps?). It started out when I was back playing hockey. I was an essential part of the team back then; the enforcer. Being my size it's easy to get this position. All I have to do is batter the other players into bloody pulps. This normally includes me skating in front of them and pushing them into the wall and jamming their skates with my stick.

This time I didn't do it so well. The midget (as I call the other players) ran into me, jamming my skates, and we both went down. I don't even really remember the fall but I remember a white flash and a snapping sound as I hit the floor (roller hockey). I sit up and see that my foot is turned 90 degrees but my knee was up. This sucked because the midget immediately got up and pushed on my leg (he was beaten to a bloody pulp by my teammates who promptly lost the season because of someone beating the crap out of their goalie after a game). Now, I didn't know what was going on very well and everyone came around. All I could say was, "I think I broke my leg. Anyone want to carry me to the locker room?" No, it didn't hurt that bad. Maybe like someone hit a baseball on my shin and cause a bruise but nothing more than that.

So I was taken to the locker room. This was tricky seeing as I weighed in at 250 at the time. I stuck my good leg down and they wheeled my to the bench where I sat and they braced my leg. I spent the next half hour telling jokes to the coaches, my dad, other players, and the paramedics. When the paramedics came they spent a good deal of time trying to find a vein to stick the IV in, ended up giving up after 3 tries and going to my hand, and pumped large amounts of morphine into my system. For those of you who've never tried morphine, it burns. A lot. You can tell it's in you because for the first five minutes you feel like your body's on fire. After that you start feeling like a giant cup of water ("Don't lay me down I might spill!").

So they wheeled me out of there pretty quick (took a damned 30 minutes) and loaded me into the ambulance as roughly as they could and stuck a heart monitor on me. This sucked because I wasn't losing blood and I only felt faint because there was a squad of military elephants dancing around a tea kettle that floated over my dad's car. That tea kettle came up again later. So I sat in the bed to avoid spilling myself and watched the elephants dance all the way to the hospital (Dad followed the ambulance).

At the hospital they stuck more morphine in me. I was so happy. I already had a hot nurse but damn, now the murse was sexy. After 30 minutes of letting me fester in opiates, they wheeled me over to X-Ray where I waited another 30 minutes and then they sent me in. It was a matter of seconds before they finished the X-rays. I sat there for a while longer and the technician came back. "I'm not allowed to say this but I think your leg is broken," he says to me. "I could have told you that myself, " I say back.

So they wheel me back to the room with the sexy nurse and murse. They stuck another IV in me; Dimmeral, I think it's called. They were trying to knock me out before they reset me. An hour later I was still concious. The surgeon came in anyway. "Ok, we're just going to have you help reset this bugger." For some reason I just nodded at the other tea party guests and waved when the strange rabbit told me that my leg was broken. We proceeded to reset my leg, only to have me giggle when it snapped back into place. The splint was cast and they wheeled me home. As soon as I get home I land on it twice while peeing the drugs out of my system and cause a stream of swear words to flow from my lips.

The next week was interesting. They gave me codeine and I was happy living the life of a broken Ozzy Osbourne. Codeine is a miracle, by the way. It's supposed to work for 4 hours. Half the time you're asleep. The other half you're watching the Osbournes in your head.

So that's the story. Hope you enjoy.

Q