Help understanding a dream

[xinpig]

I used to cut to control my issues. What I didnt seem to realize that it wasnt myself that I was hurting the most, it was my girlfriend. It took a few times of my friends urging me to see what pain it was causing her, to be able to get myself to stop my destructive behavior. There has been a few times since then that I have thought about cutting again to get control of myself, but the thought of my dearest always gets me to stop. Now the dream. I always cut many times in the dream, but I dont know what drives me to do this. It hurts like hell then I black out. I "wake up" in the hospital with tubes in my arms and heavy bandages. Now I have come across three endings so far. One involves my friends checking up on me and my girlfriend crying over me and I get better. The next involves her coming in alone and crying and telling me that she warned me what would happen if I did that again and she leaves me. The final one is the worst. I am surrounded by doctors frantically trying to stop the bleeding in my arms and I hear the flatline of the EKG monitor and I wake up gasping for breath. Oh and one other thing, my arms always hurt like hell when I wake up.