this is a poem titled Roses

kitkat9 · 03-26-2009, 06:49 PM

This is Roses, hope you like it

The color of a rose,
the sweetness in its fragrance,
and the softness of the petals.
The appearance of the rose is perfection.
A hand reaches down to pluck the rose from the stem,
and a sharp pain runs through the veins.
Beneath the beauty,
hidden by the green leaves are thorns.
Hundreds of thorns,
leaving a hand bleeding and sore.
The vile appearance of the rose’s interior is frightening.
The rose once thought of as sweet, soft and beautiful,
is now the scar on the face of your heart.

Destatsi · 03-26-2009, 07:19 PM

This is a poem titled Cliche.

mead1 · 03-30-2009, 11:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Destatsi

This is a poem titled Cliche.

Exactly.

In addition, the poem has no rhythm or rhyme scheme to speak of. That's not cliche, but it is bad unless you have something interesting to say.

Tokzic · 03-26-2009, 08:39 PM

yeah when you're deciding what to write a poem about, doing one of the oldest ideas in the book isn't generally something to go with

kitkat9 · 03-28-2009, 02:32 PM

Oh...

jchinzilla · 03-28-2009, 02:44 PM

ya kinda corny but if that's what you like writing then :thumbsup: !

kitkat9 · 03-31-2009, 12:37 AM

when I write poetry I hardly ever ryhme, it's just something I do.

XxdragonhunterxX · 03-31-2009, 12:59 AM

seriously people, lay off, not all poems rhyme.
i honestly suck at poetry, so my opinion doesnt mean much, but i have read hundreds of poems that dont rhyme, and i think this one is pretty good

**All_That_Chaz** · 03-31-2009, 02:18 AM

As much as I hate to agree with anyone who joined after 2007, I have to say that some people are being too harsh and not offering constructive criticism. I love you guys, but if you're going to post, please give some advice. You're all smart, I know you can help this writer out.

1) Yes, the poem talks about a subject that is somewhat cliche. That doesn't mean you have to avoid it, you should just try to say something unique, or something not unique in a unique way.
2) Your imagery is very meh. Saying a rose's fragrance is sweet or that its petals are soft doesn't tell us anything we don't already know. Try using adjectives that make you think or put interesting images in your head. Like maybe you could use adjectives that would personify the rose, like saying the smell and scent had sexual qualities to them. That would make your beautiful but treacherous theme more powerful.
3) I do like this theme though. You presented in a way that wasn't as opaque as your ideas in your other poem. You just need to bring some originality to the concept in order to get a reaction from the reader.

You're showing improvement and I do think this has potential to be a decent poem. Keep writing!

kitkat9 · 04-1-2009, 01:08 AM

lol, thank you Chaz, I do like to hear that I am improving. With what you said about putting in a sexual quality, awesome idea, but I can't submit a poem with sexual qualities into a middle school literary magazine. Believe it or not, 6th and 7th graders are worse than they seem. lol
I really do appreciate it though, and I probably will make some edits, so I will remember what you said. =)

**All_That_Chaz** · 04-1-2009, 01:20 AM

Oh I don't mean to say anything crude. I just mean that you'd want to make the rose seem like a person, and a person one would be attracted to. Use adjectives like alluring, supple, radiant, enchanting, stuff like that. Words that you'd use in a love poem. Then when you talk about how the rose's thorns hurt you, you can talk about them like a lover who cheated on you.

This is all just a suggestion, of course. In the end it's your vision that you have to satisfy.

mead1 · 04-5-2009, 12:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by All_That_Chaz

Oh I don't mean to say anything crude. I just mean that you'd want to make the rose seem like a person, and a person one would be attracted to. Use adjectives like alluring, supple, radiant, enchanting, stuff like that. Words that you'd use in a love poem. Then when you talk about how the rose's thorns hurt you, you can talk about them like a lover who cheated on you.

This is all just a suggestion, of course. In the end it's your vision that you have to satisfy.

This said, I'd totally read a sexually explicit rose/sex poem. That would be amazing.

Tired_Old_Man · 04-1-2009, 12:03 PM

the last line is poetry, the rest is just a basic description. I'm not sure what to suggest except maybe you should read some more poetry. I recommend some Emily Dickinson or Arthur Rimbaud

**All_That_Chaz** · 04-1-2009, 12:36 PM

Oh God anything but Dickinson!

NFD · 04-1-2009, 01:12 PM

I joined in October 2006, does my opinion matter Chaz?

Also the poem sucks.

kitkat9 · 04-1-2009, 07:30 PM

Thanks Chaz, and NFD I'm loving the encouragement =)

f2ppure · 04-4-2009, 07:05 PM

nice

, though it looks familiar

. also reminds me of Dickinson, which makes me give it another thumbs up

kitkat9 · 04-4-2009, 07:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by f2ppure

nice

, though it looks familiar

. also reminds me of Dickinson, which makes me give it another thumbs up

Well thank you very much! =D

NFD · 04-5-2009, 05:41 AM

I put my rose into her
She started moaning
One of my thorns pierced her

kitkat9 · 04-5-2009, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NFD

I put my rose into her
She started moaning
One of my thorns pierced her

Uhh...

03-26-2009, 06:49 PM	#1
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	this is a poem titled Roses This is Roses, hope you like it The color of a rose, the sweetness in its fragrance, and the softness of the petals. The appearance of the rose is perfection. A hand reaches down to pluck the rose from the stem, and a sharp pain runs through the veins. Beneath the beauty, hidden by the green leaves are thorns. Hundreds of thorns, leaving a hand bleeding and sore. The vile appearance of the rose’s interior is frightening. The rose once thought of as sweet, soft and beautiful, is now the scar on the face of your heart.

03-26-2009, 07:19 PM	#2
Destatsi FFR Player Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 100	Re: this is a poem titled Roses This is a poem titled Cliche.

03-26-2009, 08:39 PM	#4
Tokzic FFR Player Join Date: May 2005 Location: TGB Age: 34 Posts: 6,878	Re: this is a poem titled Roses yeah when you're deciding what to write a poem about, doing one of the oldest ideas in the book isn't generally something to go with __________________ ~very popular guitar streamer~ Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

03-28-2009, 02:32 PM	#5
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: this is a poem titled Roses Oh...

03-28-2009, 02:44 PM	#6
jchinzilla i like cheese Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Virginia Age: 26 Posts: 2,106	Re: this is a poem titled Roses ya kinda corny but if that's what you like writing then :thumbsup: ! __________________

03-31-2009, 12:37 AM	#7
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: this is a poem titled Roses when I write poetry I hardly ever ryhme, it's just something I do.

03-31-2009, 12:59 AM	#8
XxdragonhunterxX FFR Player Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: houston, texas Age: 30 Posts: 24	Re: this is a poem titled Roses seriously people, lay off, not all poems rhyme. i honestly suck at poetry, so my opinion doesnt mean much, but i have read hundreds of poems that dont rhyme, and i think this one is pretty good __________________ the king of awesomeness has arrived, join the party

04-1-2009, 01:08 AM	#10
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: this is a poem titled Roses lol, thank you Chaz, I do like to hear that I am improving. With what you said about putting in a sexual quality, awesome idea, but I can't submit a poem with sexual qualities into a middle school literary magazine. Believe it or not, 6th and 7th graders are worse than they seem. lol I really do appreciate it though, and I probably will make some edits, so I will remember what you said. =)

04-1-2009, 12:03 PM	#13
Tired_Old_Man FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Peekskill, NY Age: 41 Posts: 259	Re: this is a poem titled Roses the last line is poetry, the rest is just a basic description. I'm not sure what to suggest except maybe you should read some more poetry. I recommend some Emily Dickinson or Arthur Rimbaud __________________ "man is a pupil, pain is his teacher" - Alfred de Musset

04-1-2009, 01:12 PM	#15
NFD FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: I see us on a beach down in, Mexico Age: 31 Posts: 4,715	Re: this is a poem titled Roses I joined in October 2006, does my opinion matter Chaz? Also the poem sucks. __________________ Last edited by NFD; 04-1-2009 at 04:39 PM..

04-1-2009, 07:30 PM	#16
kitkat9 FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: San Antonio ~!(210)!~ Age: 29 Posts: 87	Re: this is a poem titled Roses Thanks Chaz, and NFD I'm loving the encouragement =)

04-4-2009, 07:05 PM	#17
f2ppure FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: A certain Longitude and Latitude Age: 32 Posts: 82	Re: this is a poem titled Roses nice , though it looks familiar . also reminds me of Dickinson, which makes me give it another thumbs up __________________ Playing style: original keys; one hand (three fingers); 1.25 speed imob and ivampire add meh 155-111-173 Shoulda Coulda Woulda Didnt

04-5-2009, 05:41 AM	#19
NFD FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: I see us on a beach down in, Mexico Age: 31 Posts: 4,715	Re: this is a poem titled Roses I put my rose into her She started moaning One of my thorns pierced her __________________

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)