The Timeless Desert

[Lightknight924]

Chapter I


This is the tale that none shall ever know. It begins with an end, and ends with an eternity. For I am sealed, in a realm of a vast, endless world. I am alone, but I am surrounding by everything. For in my sight is a vast, endless scape of rolling sand and mountains that stretch far beyond the ends of existence. I exist only here, in this realm of memory. I am trapped in the sands of time, in a desert that is without time. This realm is inaccessible, and inescapable. I shall tell this tale, of how I am here, though none shall ever know of it or of my existence here. For this is the world where what he have done remains as memory, it is the Desert of Time, but a timeless desert at that. I shall begin with what was known as my Life. This is no longer true to me, for I am but an essence in the grains of time, forever wandering this eternal realm. I shall begin with an end, an end of a war and the beginning of my Life. It begins in the year 421 B.C, in the empire of Greece.


The morning of the beginning this story begins with my awakening to a strange knock. I was already awake, and had been before Helios opened the heavens for Eos. When I answered the door, a man with a strange scribe spoke to me saying that I have been called for an audience with the muse of the Athenian Magi Council, who resided secretly within their temples within mount Parintha, north of Athens. It was with this that I asked from where this man was given this scribe, a map to the temples and a brief message of invitation. He replied reluctantly that he was approached by a masked man when he was traveling from the mountains near Pentlei, and that he was to deliver this to the one who lived in the observatory of Athens.

"That is you sir, is it not?" He said. I stared at the scroll, and felt an uneasy twist in me. I had no business with muses or magi, nor kings or emperors, or gods at that. I was an astronomer, and have always been one who looks for a practical explanation beyond the blinding words of the gods and the temples.

"You will not see my presence with any muses, my friend. I suggest you return this scribe to whomever you received it from. Or better yet, toss it into the sewers, or give it to someone mistakingly and assume it was the correct fellow. Either way, it is not of my possession." I said, handing him the scroll forcefully and barricading the observatory fro any more visitors.

I returned to the library of my study, and strolled through the pages of my books involving the cyclic phases of stars and their appearances and meaning. It was not long before I felt my wisened age catch to my studies, and decided that I should rest. After preparing myself for sleep and my bed, I blew out the candles that lit my hall and room. My observatory was small, but it was content for my desires. A lovely tribute from General Arikales after my service in the first Peloponnesian War. It was not in my interest to think of this any longer though. It was done and I was know able to research my desire for knowledge of the heavens, of our existence.

The next few weeks went by quite stirringly. Things in Athens rarely were settled down, the streets still swarmed with self-claimed prophets proclaiming the beginning of new wars and death in vengeance of the gods. If it were one thing that bothered me, it was that the people of Athens actually believed in an apocalyptic war for the gods, even after only 3 months of the end of this past war. Nevertheless, Athens remained the cultural capital of Greece, and nothing ever seemed to settle.

When I was traveling in the market one day at around noon, I met a man who said he was a herder in the mountains of the north. He said that his flocks had disappeared completely without any trace of tracks or damage or sound during the escape. Everything was neatly cleaned and the livestock was missing. The man said that he feared the gods were preparing to feast for war. I sent off with him, blaspheming him for such nonsense. I thought very little of this until I met another stranger man upon leaving the market. He said that his flocks too were disappearing from their stables in the north.

"You're certain that there was no way for them to escape?"
"I'm very certain, and that would be irrelevant to any concern of mine. It's what would make them want to escape the concerns me." He replied, troubled and staring about as if he did not feel alone talking to me.

By the time I had left the market, the moon had risen and it was now time for the sister of Eos, Selena, to reign her night. The heavens opened and I entered my study. Gazing through the scope towards the north, I caught sight of Parintha, the great mountain to the north. It's peak screamed far above the clouds and swirled with snow. This uneasy twist returned to me, making me put down my scope and approaching my bed. With preparations made for sleep, I began to climb into bed and flick out the candle light-

"Stop."

I froze. This voice was deep an fast. It came from beyond the shadows of my study, beyond the books of Constellations for the gods. No figure was visible, only the presence.

"Enter the light, ghostly presence, lest I draw my weapon upon thee. I am not one you should mistake with, I am-"

"You are Laertes, son of Arcesius."

I paused. I was not known as Laertes since before my father disappeared in a voyage to Minoa. I took up the name of Ikifar before I entered the service, and was hence known forth by this since.

"You have been requested for an audience with The Muse of Moments. She is waiting for you within her temple in Parintha. I am to take you there."

"I wish not to leave my study, nor my home, nor my current affairs. You will not take me. I have served in the Athenian army for fifteen years." I responded.

"It is the will of the muses that you are to travel to the mountain of Parintha, and through the caves within the rocks pointing northeast, you will find her temple. She is waiting, her patience is short, as is mine."

"Come forth from the shadows, then, and perhaps we can truly discuss this." I demanded firmly.

The figure stepped forward, it's skin cringed and cracked within the moonlight. It glanced from it's cloak with dreaded eyes and the stare of a thousand years of wisdom. It's robe sprawled dark and swiftly to the floor, covering it's entire body. It held a staff, no higher than a far bit above the waist, it's fingers stretched and curved across the staff. It appeared as an unnatural creature, dark with glowing eyes in the moonlight. It moved forward towards myself and my bed.

"If you refuse to attend this meeting, then your son will not return from his journey, nor will your empire survive, nor will the world and heavens continue to exist. This is beyond you and your desires, this is the will that even the gods fear to grasp. It is your fate, you were selected."

I did not have a son, what this creature spoke made no sense other than what was to come if I did not attend to this summoning.

"There is very scarce time, you must return with me to the Council of Muses." It responded.

I did not answer. I looked around my study, and felt that this uneasy twist had taken over, that it was now my most important desire. This study, observatory, and Life I had no longer interested me. It was now my fate to follow this path.

[GamerShadow]

You restate minor details way too often in each paragraph. The prime example of this is in the first paragraph, where you mention the sands of time and the desert of time being timeless at least three times. If you effectively narrate, you should only have to tell your reader facts once, maybe twice if it becomes relevant elsewhere in the story.

Your hook, to me, feels like it is lacking something. I can't pinpoint what, but it felt very cut and dry when I read it. I didn't feel like stopping, which is good, but I also had little motivation to press on. Try to use more descriptive verbs, and perhaps throw in some similes and personification to spice up the world of Ancient Greece.

It's decent, but you can definitely make this much stronger, and perhaps lengthier as well.