Why Chinese Mothers are Superior

[dag12]

Here's an interesting article that I thought I'd like to share, from the Wall Street Journal

Why Chinese Mothers are Superior
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB1000...528698754.html

What do you all think?
Is this a good way of parenting?
What are your own personal experiences with your parents?
I think I might contribute my own little anecdotes later, since I'm Asian (though Japanese, not Chinese), but I want to see what people have to say about this.

[Xx{Midnight}xX]

So they force their children into being who they want them to be to be their idea of success.

Doesn't sound like good parenting to me. It sounds like something that will make a child resent you.

[NocturneAunamic]

Is this a good way of parenting?

Possibly. Smart, that's debatable.

If you can handle having your children hate you and deprive them of a fun and happy childhood, by all means, these women are breeding geniuses by the shitload.

[dag12]

Originally Posted by Xx{Midnight}xX

So they force their children into being who they want them to be to be their idea of success.

Doesn't sound like good parenting to me. It sounds like something that will make a child resent you.

Completely valid opinion.

According to the article:
"Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."

In defense of the article though, I've seen plenty of Chinese (and Asians, for that matter) kids who are happy with themselves, because they are good at what they are do, albeit good at what is given to them by their parents.

[flashpantss]

That's very interesting. Some of these families or "Chinese Mothers" wonder why they have sterotypes. Forcing kids into doing something what they want them to do doesn't sound like good parenting to people who were raised by different heritage, race, etc.. But it can't be denied that they do raise very smart and intelligent children who succeed at almost everything IMO.

[sakura080789]

I really don't think that is a good way of parenting. Think about it your children hate you thats not how a parent is suppose to treat there child. Give them love and attention and allow them to be whatever they want to be.

[LoneW0lf]

Horrible parenting. The kids have no freedom with their life. For until they move out the Mother is their dictator.

[iironiic]

I am Chinese, and I have these similar experiences as well with my parents. I personally feel that the parenting is effective, but by all means, not necessary. So in terms of "good" parenting, I suppose that's a subjective manner. I believe that it is "good" in the long run just because it certainly helped me to realize that there is more than parties, sleepovers, etc. in life.

However, it can be "bad" in some cases as well. Fortunately, I don't have any of these cases, but I've heard a story about another Asian who is mathematically talented but despises mathematics because his parents ruined his joy of the subject. Essentially, it gives the children practically no control over their life, when the parents are constantly concerned about money and life.

This is an interesting topic.

[dag12]

Originally Posted by iironiic

I am Chinese, and I have these similar experiences as well with my parents. I personally feel that the parenting is effective, but by all means, not necessary. So in terms of "good" parenting, I suppose that's a subjective manner. I believe that it is "good" in the long run just because it certainly helped me to realize that there is more than parties, sleepovers, etc. in life.

However, it can be "bad" in some cases as well. Fortunately, I don't have any of these cases, but I've heard a story about another Asian who is mathematically talented but despises mathematics because his parents ruined his joy of the subject. Essentially, it gives the children practically no control over their life, when the parents are constantly concerned about money and life.

This is an interesting topic.

True. I've seen many Asian Americans who excelled in mathematics, but had no intellectual vitality, or even innate curiosity for the subject.

As the Dean of Admissions of MIT Marilee Jones said, there are "thousands ... [of] Korean kids with the exact same profile of grades and activities and temperament … another textureless math grind."

You have to admire the pragmatism of some of these parents though.

[ichliebekase]

This was written in first person by some woman who thinks that her way of parenting is correct...the entire article is a giant opinion.

Originally Posted by article

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years.

She threatened her child that if she did not start playing, then she would get NO FOOD?!?!?!?!?!!? People call this good parenting?

Extension after that previous quote:

Originally Posted by article

I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

[My husband] took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

"Which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her". These are all signs of disgusting parenting. This woman needs to take some parenting classes.

[dag12]

Of course it's an opinion, if the title didn't make it apparent enough...

But anyway.
One thing that I think is important to note is the cultural background. Many first-generation Asians have pushy parents. Given that the parents moved to the United States for greater opportunities, of course they would want to push their children as hard as possible to be "successful" (I'm hesitant to use that term, because the definition of success, again, varies). So there's already a mentality putting a strong emphasis on hard work and diligence, as well as a willingness to obtain a financially stable and successful life, from the start.

[Minati]

Excellent parenting. Although, Amy Chua is a bit on the extreme side. After all, she did attend Yale Law School - can't expect any less from such a hard working parent.

Work hard now - play later.

Most of you would be better off had your parents raised you in a more strict manner, such as this woman.

Although, she does take two EXTREMES and puts them in an almost satirical way.. she has a valid point. Westerners are more prone to parenting with "love" and "care", but really it's just an excuse. The more parents try to keep you happy from the start, the more parents try to make you feel loved, the less you'll start working or studying on your own. Unless children have that external force (motivation, punishments, prizes), they will NEVER do things on their own, simply because they have no reason to.

Giving children a reason to hone a skill whether it be musical instruments or academics or sports will be beneficial to not only the child later on, but to the parents as well.

Think about it. Children and teenagers may get their 5-10 years of relaxation and fun, but once they're thrown out into the real world - how will they cope? With the 5-10 years spent not studying hard, not honing some sort of skill, not doing anything really, other people who were motivated since their childhood will have already learned how to play the guitar, piano and will also have gotten ahead of you in terms of academics.

So while you work at a low income retail store (a rather hurtful stereotype, but true for the most part regardless), the people who were raised by strict parents (maybe not as strict as Amy Chua, but still strict in terms of Westerns) will have attended a more prestigious college and will have a more prestigious job.

White collar, blue collar.

The difference exists for a reason - parenting.

PS) Read about this a few days ago.. my friend showed it to me. I have to say - I was quite pleased with this article. Maybe it's because I was raised by someone like Amy Chua.

PSS) Most replies in this agreeing with the article will probably be made by Asians and non-Westerners while most replies disagreeing with the article will consist of (surprise!) Westerners. It's because we were raised in such different environments - I guess the "model minority" stereotype is confirmed with this rather unorthodox yet valid article.

[dag12]

I was also quite surprised at how extreme her article was.
I think might look into picking up a copy of her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, from which this article was excerpted.

On a side note, I want to go see her talk soon. I see her quite a bit around Yale.

[Timer Rabbit]

Originally Posted by ichliebekase

This was written in first person by some woman who thinks that her way of parenting is correct...the entire article is a giant opinion.



She threatened her child that if she did not start playing, then she would get NO FOOD?!?!?!?!?!!? People call this good parenting?

Extension after that previous quote:



"Which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her". These are all signs of disgusting parenting. This woman needs to take some parenting classes.

Not sure if it's bad or not, but I have this similar experiences back when I was a kid. I forgot what happened, but I did witness scary punishments with a wooden itching stick right at my butt to actual spanking before the stick.

(At least I don't have to force myself to play the piano... I kind of did in a paid class with a neighbor, but then after some years I forgot.)

My mom claimed to be Chinese (or "Chinese mother"), though was born at Indonesia. I think she's a distant example from the article, but come up with her own things.

Anyway, to the point: I'm not sure if this is bad parenting or not, but I hate to see a child cry or go into anger and chaos. (This is why I do not want to be a mother or have kids because I just can't handle it!) So... Maybe it's the parenting I do not want to take as my path. :S (Again, it's my opinion. :X)

[Gundam-Dude]

Being in a Chinese family myself, I know first hand at how strict Chinese parents can be, although it isn't necessarily a bad thing. I think it might be Western influence but my parents respect my individuality and generally they became lenient as I grew up. For example, as a kid I was never allowed to go to friends houses let alone "hang out". Nowadays I just ask them to drop me off at places and they don't say anything about it, only asking me questions like "what time will you be back?".

They never forced me to play piano/violin, or forced me to study math for hours on end (in return though, math isn't exactly my forte and I have absolutely no musical talent, lol). Do I regret not being able to match child prodigies? A bit. I regret not taking any of those lessons as a child and it's pretty late for me to be learning piano now at my age (lack of self esteem could also play a role here since generally speaking I always think "I'm not good enough").

I wouldn't exactly call this bad parenting. It has both it's pros and cons.

[qqwref]

I wouldn't say it's good parenting to make your child spend all of their time practicing piano or studying, to the exclusion of a fun childhood or social involvement. I also wouldn't say it's good parenting to make your child's life as comfortable as humanly possible, to the exclusion of skills or schoolwork. You have to choose a middle ground.

[AlexDest]

In my perspective, parents should let their kids express themselves so that they can lead a healthy social life; however, the parents can have limitations to what they do.

But I wouldn't exactly call it bad parenting, the parents in this article are helping their kids have an excellent education leading them to have great jobs, which is a good thing, though they should at least let their kids have a break once in a while.

[Evnoir]

There is control through fear: being suspended of freedom, inflicting punishments for unacceptable behaviour, and having one move only under your command.
On the contrary, there is control through bonding: letting one pursue their own dreams, acknowledging accomplishments, and letting them lean on your shoulders whenever they need support.
As Mahatma Gandhi once said:
"Power is of two kinds. One is obtained by the fear of punishment and the other by acts of love. Power based on love is a thousand times more effective and permanent then the one derived from fear of punishment."
Thus, in my opinion, I would say this is 'bad' parenting because of the way they handle their children. These actions are unheard of around my community, even though there are many Chinese parents present. I am glad to have laid-back Japanese parents xD

[Reincarnate]

Most of the kids I know who had parents like these are not being done any favors. They may come out of it all as musical prodigies or mathematical juggernauts, but they're utterly incapable of making their own decisions.

[XCV]

In my humble opinion, school =/= intelligence. Having a 4.0 GPA means nothing more or less than that the child is willing to do schoolwork.

That aside, I do believe a certain degree of strictness is beneficial to anything. But taking this to the metaphorical fringe is a bit over the top. Being on the quizbowl team, I have several friends from that part of the world, and I can grasp or at least begin to grasp the extent to which they take it. (One was told by his parents to attend tutoring because he had a 98 in diff'eq.)

I've said before that I don't care about school much, mainly because in the majority of cases I've been exposed to the material taught before the school curriculum catches up, making classes pathetically easy. [I've also been informed that college is a different world, and I'm used to studying at the perceived rate.] Admittedly, in freshman year (the first semester at least) I was extremely lax about school, mainly because I was far more interested in mathematics and programming. The lowest grade I made was an 89. In the interim between then and now, I've made about one B; this wasn't due to parenting (mine are quite laissez-faire.) But then, I'm really not qualified to comment on the correlation there, because I'm a couple standard deviations above the mean and haven't really experienced the consequences of substandard performance.

I don't agree with humiliation as a consequence for anything, especially mental matters, especially-especially school. Probably Western influence operating there. [For the record, an extreme amount of negative reinforcement is detrimental to emotional performance, which in any event is more important than academic performance because it directly interferes with life on both a subconscious and conscious level.] Call me soft, but it doesn't strike me as emotionally balanced.