10-9-2007, 05:24 PM | #1 |
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Poem? Sure, why not.
All the rage, you know.
- Hold back the trees Or let them swing forward Catching a strong gust Until the leaves orange in glow With no more strength tremble and collapse to the ground all effulgent And as they begin to dry and fade, they find new life Hold me back Hold me back, Hold back the river Flowing and glistening into the cave Hold back the leaves that fell from the tree into its lukewarm embrace Drifting without a care The fish, no longer trying Limp and float out, deathly Another opportunity missed Hold me back Hold me back, Hold back the hurricane Center eye in the darkened sky As the father cloud withholds, counts Until the ground swept clean Is barren and unforgiving Unable to nurture Unable to grow but weeds Hold me back Hold me back, The sun That son that shines ever bright Hold him back as mother ground and father wind Find no respite from the harsh glow And life, life as fragile as the leaf As the fish, the everything Is held back Hold me back. - Wrote that at work the other day.
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
10-9-2007, 09:37 PM | #2 |
It's Saint Pepsi bitch
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
That's pretty good. Mind reiterating as to what it all means?
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10-9-2007, 09:41 PM | #3 |
Skware One
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
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10-9-2007, 09:57 PM | #4 |
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
Lust, mainly.
I'll break it down later if you want? EDIT: And MCR, I wrote this on my lunch break. I work in a doctor's office doing transcription.
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
10-9-2007, 10:15 PM | #5 |
It's Saint Pepsi bitch
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
I want.
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10-9-2007, 10:42 PM | #6 |
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
First stanza is life/rebirth, that kind of thing. From life can come new life.
Second stanza is about the woman becoming infertile and losing the opportunity to make new life. Third stanza is about the man witholding. And the fourth is about the inevitable son to take care of his parents as they die and try to start living. Pretty much.
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
10-9-2007, 10:45 PM | #7 |
It's Saint Pepsi bitch
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
That's very very deep. I don't think i'll be able to post a poem on this site after reading yours.
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10-10-2007, 12:35 AM | #8 |
FFR Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 599
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
Boooooooo.
Where's the poem about the fingers? |
10-10-2007, 04:11 AM | #9 | ||
FFR Player
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
If it's a piece of Mal literature, you know it's a 10/10.
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10-10-2007, 06:33 AM | #10 |
CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
Sorry. This was my first foray into real poetry
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"A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback! |
10-10-2007, 08:31 AM | #11 | |
Supreme Dictator For Life
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
definitely great for an hour's work. the nature metaphors are well laid out and are simple enough not to alienate any reader.
few things - i don't like the word effulgent. it's out of place in terms of diction. it's just too high. there isn't any other word in the poem that goes to that level of diction so i'd look for another way to get at what you're trying to say. it just sounds pretentious now. i don't know if it was just me but the second half of the second stanza didn't flow right. i'd tighten it up with more punctuation. i kept having to correct myself after incorrectly enjambing two lines. i don't see the third stanza as about a man holding back but instead a critique on women, only able to produce weeds. it's not a problem, but i got a laugh out of it. and in the final stanza, i don't know, using the sun/son metaphor always seems cheeky when i read it. you support it well enough by putting a couple more familial references in there, but it just never sits well with me. great job!
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10-10-2007, 02:02 PM | #12 |
FFR Veteran
Join Date: Sep 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 599
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
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10-19-2007, 09:46 PM | #13 |
FFR Player
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Re: Poem? Sure, why not.
yeh the fingers was a good poem
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