New story - Back to Earth

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Sully, I don't see how you took that as arrogant. What she said was that she was surprised that whoever put this bot together didn't bother giving it any sort of data over this area, especially since whoever that person was presumably dropped it off here.

Mal, yea I see the grammar problems. I'll get them in my next pass. Man, I used to have at least a modicum of respect for Word. It doesn't catch anything anymore. And yes, I absolutely have a plot in mind. I'm sorry if I'm meandering around too much, but I want to make sure you connect with the characters before I send them off down that road. The ending is kind of what made me really want to write this, so you can bet it's going somewhere. The more I write, however, the more I realize that this thing is going to be really long. I mean I'm basically touching on my interpretation of each of 20 songs in the album. I'm not quite at track 4 yet.

On the first person, you're right, it might be better if I wrote in the first person, but that's something that I've struggled with as a writer for as long as I can remember. I'm just not all that good at it. I can write dialogue fine, but when it comes to narrating in the first person I feel I always come off as disingenuous. I don't think I could make Lily believable through my voice.

[MalReynolds]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

You're not meandering. I was really just projecting one of my own faults as a writer on to you and assuming you had the same problem wrapping things up. I'll start a project, get 10 pages in, think of a bunch of cool ideas, and then never open the document again. I'm lame like that.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Oh, I do. As with my LP, I absolutely intend on finishing this. A lot of variables will affect whether that happens or not, like if I ever get a job.

However, I'm confident on this one because I've already gotten farther than I do with most of my short story ideas. I usually just get a rough outline written out before the project gets abandoned for whatever reason. That and I fully expect all of you to guilt-trip me if I ever leave this untouched for a while

[MalReynolds]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Oh, I will. The only reason I even finished 2 books is because of constant nagging from people that were reading them whenever I wouldn't update the thread.

[NFD]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

This really does remind me of Ray Bradbury....he completely killed The Fall of the House of Usher for me by making Usher II....and Fahrenheit 451 was ok, we read two dystopic books, 1984, and that. 1984 was better. George Orwell has another good book called Animal Farm.

I'd give this a 3.5/5 Chaz.

[Svaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Happy birthday #24, Chaz
Please update the story as soon as
The inevitable hangover has
Waned, as far as
Alcatraz

TENDERLY, SVAZ

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Updated. Got a little more development between the characters in there. Not as much plot but that's coming. In the days I spent updating this I solidified a lot of the story in my head so I really know how this is going to go now. I'm excited!

[Svaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Bump, ps: please don't make her last name Darkbloom what a terrible name that would be >:

Also also, I'm glad introductions finally happened. While a lot is still left unknown about Casey, at least there's some kind of a lead for Lily to follow.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

I honestly haven't given any thought as to a last name. I kind of think it's superfluous and hadn't planned on ever having formal introductions at any point.

Oh and I'm totally working on this. I'll get an update out at some point. And sorry for bumping without an update. That was mean =(

[LilyPichu]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

I've never really read a lot of science fictions but this was interesting, especially Lily & Casey's dialogues. Makes me wonder how the plot is going to develop from there. I hope you update.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Updated. Lily leaves her robot friend in the workshop for now and goes about her morning routine. I felt it necessary to give this a little discussion in order to make my description of Mars to come more powerful. However I can't help but feel that I'm just kind of dawdling. The story itself as it relates to the album hasn't progressed, but I'm closer to moving on.

It does end somewhat abruptly, but my muse was getting tired.

And thank you Svaz for yelling at me to get back to writing <3

[Svaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

So how is Lily going to convince Casey to stay in one place? She doesn't really know his objective-- it could be to chart terrain or something thereby not allowing him to stay in a fixed location.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

Yeah I was worried about that. I'll fill that hole with the next update.

[Terry316]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

first of all, very interesting concept. Earth being the backwater, nearly uninhabited rural planet, and Mars being the esteemed powerful social life experience. i was kind of taken aback that all this took place in a mere amount of 3 years though...

i don't normally like so much direct characterization, but for some reason you pull it off nicely, and the descriptions are very powerful. i feel connected to Lily already, and have a firm sense of her personality. what i liked in particular was her shock that this robot, a machine that she holds in such high regard, doesn't even know what a tree is.

the only thing that confuses me is putting Lily's dialogue in blue. i don't understand the necessity of it... but it's quirky. so i like it. there is another thing, in Casey's dialogue (which is brilliant) he says K.E.A, but then at one point he says E.A.K... are these two seperate modules?

i'm looking forward to the plot you have lined up.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: New story - Back to Earth

I don't get why you think it's acceptable for Casey's dialogue to be red but you're put off by Lily's dialogue being blue.

Honestly I started using color because I find reading dialogue tiresome with all the "he saids" and the like. I suppose the most basic meaning behind the color is that Lily speaks in blue words because she's from the blue planet and Casey speaks in red because he's from the red planet. I have other characters and colors planned and we'll see what comes from those.

At some point while writing I rearranged the K.E.A. letters. I must have missed one. I fixed it.

Thanks for your comments and thanks for reading! I do take a small amount of pride in my description, as I feel it's the only part of prose I think I'm alright at.

<shameless plug>
Oh and I've written a pile of poetry too if you want to read more of my stuff. There are links in my signature to different things I've written.
</shameless plug>