Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

This is actually kind of a tough question and what sucks more is I'm going to be faced with this decision. I don't know if I'd ever really call it "OK" but maybe necessary if there's a possibility they are getting into something dangerous such as drugs or illegal activity. Obviously no parent wants their kids getting into that type of stuff. I'm really hoping that I will have raised my daughter well enough that I wont ever have to fee like I need to spy on her but even if you raise them the best you can there's nothing saying they wont try these things anyway.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

It is definitely a last resort but is necessary for some situations. The information you can pick up upon can be helpful and constructive for the future. And sometimes it is necessary for protection purposes.

(hypothetical) Ex. 1: I'm suspicious my 16 year old daughter might have her first sexual experience with her boyfriend soon. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to care for her as a person but she wants to be with him anyway. Whenever I even begin to get on this topic with her she immediately gets angry and dismisses it. I don't give off vibes of aggressive parental defense to her because I want her to feel that she can be with her boyfriend in her house. However, I make sure she always tells me where she is going and I try to get her to invite her bf over rather than go to her bf's. I speak to the boy's parents about my concern for my daughter, they tell me he is a fine young man that is simply figuring out where he is in life and assure me he will use a condom. His parents are too optimistic in their child for me to feel assured. I spy on her to make sure she doesn't get hurt and to make sure a condom is used if they are about to get intimate. I won't spy during intimacy. It is too personal of a moment for me to justify spying.

Ex. 2: My 13 year old son keeps telling me he can't go to school because he is very sad. He doesn't ever want to eat and he spends most of his time in his room. I've tried as hard as I can to try to figure out what he is upset about. Approached him kindly and asked if anything is wrong but he simply won't open up. His teachers at school say he is a fine young man and that his grades are good. I spy on my kid as often as I can here to see if I can pick up some information on what is wrong because he seems to be going through immense suffering and he might be contemplating suicide.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

So use your greater judgement as to whether you believe it is needed. It's ok when you logically believe all other alternatives aren't as helpful.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

Spying on your parents -- is it OK? I mean outside of modifying your judgment due to additional information, it's not changing much and shouldn't be done unless you're starting to see signs that something may be actually wrong with them. Of course "wrong" is relative to what you consider wrong to the point that it's worth getting involved.

Spying on your friends -- is it OK?
Spying -- is it OK?
Spying people who are spying other people -- is it OK?

Just giving random questions example to get multiple perspectives.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

If I haven't taught them well enough by puberty, chances are they won't feel like learning anything new from me while they're in puberty. Just have to assume they're smart enough to live intelligently. I (as a child of my parents) have had no problem so far.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

IMO depends on if you're curious or concerned. Age is also kind of a factor. Everybody is entitled to their privacy, and I think that includes your children, however if they've been acting unusual for an extended period of time there might be something wrong. It could also just being teenager PMS, but you never know I suppose. There is an issue with parents trying to know everything about their child, which, I can tell you from experience, is pretty annoying. It makes you feel more like a possession than an individual. Before I get any rap about this, my parents are great, they just have some frustrating parental qualities, and having some intrinsic need to know where I am and what I'm doing 24 hours a day is one of them. All that being said, spying can be necessary to help your children, particularly in the earlier years of life, to figure out who they are and what they want from, and to give back to, the world. So, yes you can spy on your children, only under circumstances of extreme precaution however. I think, for the most part, it's better to let your children make their own mistakes, because they learn from the mistakes, and you learn how to be a better parent if/when they come to you for advice. It benefits everybody. Of course, if your kid is thinking of becoming a drug mule or something it's probably time to chime in, which is where spying is kind of the only tool you'll have to find out these problems.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

When you consider the fact that there is no such thing as privacy, only the illusion of privacy, along with the whole reasoning behind spying (in order to see whats up, then to take a course of action according to the situation, which may or may not be accurate since if you spy, you do not capture the entire event so a different perspective is formed.)
I would probably say spying is okay, because you do not have to intrude on the person and their course of actions (but this raises conscientious issues to some degree), and at least you know if the child is in (by personal definition) engaging in "risky" situations or putting themselves at risk/danger, or doing something you do not want.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

the job of parents is to produce productive citizens. this requires parents of different societies and civilizations to use different methods; if they are raising productive citizens then the methods they choose are irrelevant, it is only the final product that matters.

end of story, there is nothing else to be said on the subject

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

Eh wait, it's just an opinion. What were you thinking exactly ? There are people out there that thinks how you get to the final result is something even more insteresting than the goal in itself, what you're doing is taking the quality on the "final products" that interests you and ignoring the rest which is determined by how it was done.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

Raise your children correctly so they don't need to be spied on later.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

Spying on your kids depends on what you think is important or a concerning matter. If you have reasons for spying and can prove there are more cons than pros for spying for that reason, then it would be ok. Just as long as it doesn't invade their privacy too much or crosses the line.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

I would say it depends on what your other values are. Spying is obviously a precursor to enforcing these values. If they are good, then yay spying. If they are bad, then boo. So like, I would approve of a parent spying on a kid who seemed flustered to find out if they were being exploited or abused by anyone. But a more plausible example of spying would probably involve trying to figure out if your kid is gay so you can kick them out of the house. Very not good.

I consider questions of morality like a poker game, btw, where the "chips" are units of utility. Also I play loose aggressive fairly often.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

Spying, no. Guiding to prevent mistakes, yes. My mother gave me a ton of freedom. Enough freedom to make mistakes and learn from them. I turned out alright.

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

poker is life

you get stacked regularly tho

Re: Spying on your kids -- is it OK?

I don't think the question should be if it's "wrong" to spy on your kids but rather if it's effective to spy on your kids. The mental gymnastics required to prove this sort of thing wrong are something I'd rather not get into, while the effectiveness of this technique is pretty straightforward.

No, I don't think it's effective to spy on your kids. If your kids are even halfway intelligent they'll consider it an insult, regard you as a villain if they have not already, lose whatever trust they had for you in the first place, and groan as your surveillance system becomes yet another method of control they must outsmart.

Of course, the kind of person who reads that with a frown on their face isn't going to think "man, I probably shouldn't be antagonistic to my kids." Instead they just think they need to villainize themselves even harder and will attempt to use even more draconian parenting techniques.