Poem: In the sky

Re: Poem: In the sky

Wow this was really pro. Nice rhyming

Re: Poem: In the sky

Good poem

Re: Poem: In the sky

This is nice, I do have a few suggestions if you're willing to look at them. You have some random capitalization (highlighted in red). I have done that before too probably a typo, but as a reader I automatically kept those words in mind thinking it's more important than others. I also think formating wise it needs a makeover, I kinda wished there had been stanzas. It makes me pause and process, a good time to start a new stanza is after most of the "No tears are left to cry."
Is "Beaton" supposed to be Beaten? I think there are some lines that feel forced...they could be reworded. They don't really follow the rhythm that this poem has (highlighted in green).
Ok last thing! I think you have some wordiness going on, I think you should go through read it alloud and listen for extra words. For example, "Beaton down, with heads held high" take out with, and when read there is a pause at the coma. With poetry every single word has a meaning, and every single word matters whether it's "a", "to", "it", whatever. Be selective only keep what matters.

I like this a lot. It has a heaviness to it, that kinda just weighs on you while you read. It's nice but saddening, giving an interesting effect. Just go back revise, rewrite, revise, and rewrite. Hemingway once said "Your first draft is always shit. Writing is rewriting." Keep writing.

Re: Poem: In the sky

Thanks for the critiques. I actually kind of agree with your comment on the heaviness. This poem was written in the 19th century villianelle format so I was alot more focused on the format than the flow. In fact, the villanelle poems i've read were all a little shaky in terms of flow. Some were better than others but even if it was barely noticable, it was still there. Anyway, I made some corrections so it should be a little better now. Thanks again for the critiques. I probably should have shown the stanzas in the first place though cause they were always there. My bad (^.^')

Re: Poem: In the sky

I'm glad I could help Yes, now I'm seeing the villanelle, haha, I'm sad I hadn't noticed it in the first place. Lol.

Re: Poem: In the sky

I enjoyed reading and reciting that poem. An issue I found was that you have a repeated use of "cry" or rhyming words thereof. You might have included it on purpose, so kudos to your for that; although, by using them repeatedly it draws away from the overall value of the message you're trying to portray. Try to incorporate different rhymes near the end, to allow for differentiation and more creativity and theme-development.

Nice job.

Re: Poem: In the sky

Hmm, Midnighter, I wanted to apologize, I now see the stanzas. I quoted your text before I read it. Now i'm looking at the original post and what do you know there are stanzas. Haha, sorry.

Re: Poem: In the sky

Thanks but, could you elaborate a bit more? If u meant in the final stanza, the last two lines are supose to be the first two refrains repeated. Like I told kitkat9 the form is villanelle, its not a very popular form nowadays but i tried to write it in that style.

Re: Poem: In the sky

Oh, there's no need to apologize. Your critiques have actually been the most helpful ^^

Re: Poem: In the sky

Repetition for no reason is generally a terrible idea. "Beaten down, with heads held high" is thick with expression and sounds meaningless.

Re: Poem: In the sky

What repetition are you talking about? and the line is definitely not meaningless

Re: Poem: In the sky

I don't see the meaninglessness of the line at all. It's like saying 'even though we don't have much to look forward to, even though all our hopes are snatched out of our hands. We keep proud and strong.'

Well that's how I see it.
When I read the poem, it gripped at my heart.

Re: Poem: In the sky

Thank you ^^

Re: Poem: In the sky

This is crap