Superficial Desires

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  • u84
    FFR Veteran
    • Jul 2006
    • 1921
    #1

    Superficial Desires

    Superficial Desires

    The line between joy and sorrow is paper thin
    because neither exist.
    Perceptive reality isn't true in any case,
    it's all just imaginary
    What is a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
    What is a harmonious symphony to a deaf man?
    Absolutely nothing.
    Why do they mean anything to us?


    Lemme know if I sound too much like a whiny bitch..
    I edited it with all of your criticisms. Thanks for the posts.
    Last edited by u84; 08-29-2008, 10:38 PM.
    Originally posted by ryanisadouche
    I woke up this morning wearing my new ffr shirt which confused me.

    Then i remembered i found the package last night while drunk and put it on in excitement, then immediately passed out.


    Last edited by: Tasselfoot; 7 minutes ago. Reason: I am your MILF.
    Tags: None
    • MooMoo_Cowfreak
      Abraxas Hydroplane
      • May 2006
      • 1746
      #2
      Re: Superficial Desires

      Part by part analysis:

      Superficial Desires
      K intro cool.

      The line between joy and sorrow is paper thin
      because neither exist.
      Nifty, I like it.

      Perceptive reality isnt true in any case,
      its all just imaginary
      I guess it works, but it's not gonna win anything special.

      Whats a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
      What is a symphony to a deaf man?
      Wow very cool. Very much the best part of the poem. I can really just picture (cliche, I know) these people not enjoying these wonderful things.

      What is a 5 star meal to a man with no tongue?
      This is commonly referred to as "Overstaying your welcome." The rhythm doesn't fit in, and the line doesn't go with the couplety feel of the whole poem.

      Absolutely nothing.
      Why do they mean anything to us?
      Good way to end the poem.

      All in all, you don't sound like a whiny bitch. Just get rid of the 5 star meal line.
      Last edited by MooMoo_Cowfreak; 08-28-2008, 11:02 PM.
      Originally posted by hi19hi19
      dumps abstractly represent the song with arrows

      post-dumps abstractly represent the existential nihilism that the song invokes in the listener with negative space, evoking the ephemeral nature of the mind - the journey of stepmania begins in hope yet soon becomes corroded into a dialectic of futility, leaving only a sense of dread and the unlikelihood of a new synthesis

        Comment

        • fido123
          FFR Player
          • Sep 2005
          • 4245
          #3
          Re: Superficial Desires

          I really did enjoy this. I've actually been thinking about how happiness doesn't really exist as it's just perception. 10/10...except you forgot an apostrophe on "isnt" on your 4th line.

            Comment

            • Verruckter
              FFR Player
              • Apr 2004
              • 2707
              #4
              Re: Superficial Desires

              Poetry isn't just
              pressing enter in
              the middle of a
              sentence.

              You whole poem lacks in fluidity, feeling, figures of speech, images, etc... It's all sterile and uncomfortable to read.

              imo
              Truth lies in loneliness, When hope is long gone by -Blind Guardian, The Soulforged
              Image removed for size violation.

                Comment

                • hoochan
                  woah shrooms
                  • Nov 2005
                  • 3838
                  #5
                  Re: Superficial Desires

                  Originally posted by Verruckter
                  Poetry isn't just
                  pressing enter in
                  the middle of a
                  sentence.

                  You whole poem lacks in fluidity, feeling, figures of speech, images, etc... It's all sterile and uncomfortable to read.

                  imo
                  yea but youre a really good critic that goes much deeper than expected

                    Comment

                    • MystictheHedgehog
                      FFR Veteran
                      • Apr 2005
                      • 699
                      #6
                      Re: Superficial Desires

                      I agree with MooMoo. I liked the poem, you definitely don't sound too whiny here. Those lines:
                      "Whats a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
                      What is a symphony to a deaf man?"
                      is just flat out amazing. Like MooMoo said though, the 5-star meal one, eh, not so much.

                      Overall about a 8/10 to me. Like I said, the 6th and 7th lines were amazing. It would be about a 9.6 if you could fix up the 8th line though. But I still liked it.
                      Originally posted by Jerry DB
                      how does that even make sense? in the beginning of time there was this 5 billion dollar machine that forced two particles to collide at the speed of light. lets re create that. DURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

                        Comment

                        • Verruckter
                          FFR Player
                          • Apr 2004
                          • 2707
                          #7
                          Re: Superficial Desires

                          Originally posted by hoochan
                          yea but youre a really good critic that goes much deeper than expected
                          Sarcasm?
                          Truth lies in loneliness, When hope is long gone by -Blind Guardian, The Soulforged
                          Image removed for size violation.

                            Comment

                            • robertsona
                              missa in h-moll
                              FFR Simfile Author
                              • Dec 2006
                              • 3997
                              #8
                              Re: Superficial Desires

                              If he is, gtfo.
                              Hoochan, Verruckter is giving u84 some good advice, which is what most people look for when posting stories/poems here. He is being a helpful poster, while all you are doing is trolling, which is all you seem to be capable of doing.
                              Please get out of FFR.
                              Thanks,
                              Robertsona.

                                Comment

                                • hoochan
                                  woah shrooms
                                  • Nov 2005
                                  • 3838
                                  #9
                                  Re: Superficial Desires

                                  Originally posted by Verruckter
                                  Sarcasm?
                                  No, I really like your criticism. I always try to find people who will give it to me straight but everyone is too scared of my reaction.

                                  Most people don't understand that brutal, constructive criticism is the only real form of criticism. You can't get a sugar coated response if you really want to get better at whatever you're doing.

                                  Also, Robert you can suck my dick. I haven't done **** to you so you back the **** off. Don't become a second rzr.

                                    Comment

                                    • robertsona
                                      missa in h-moll
                                      FFR Simfile Author
                                      • Dec 2006
                                      • 3997
                                      #10
                                      Re: Superficial Desires

                                      alright, i thought you were just being a jerk

                                        Comment

                                        • hoochan
                                          woah shrooms
                                          • Nov 2005
                                          • 3838
                                          #11
                                          Re: Superficial Desires

                                          oh well then whos up for makeup sex?

                                            Comment

                                            • MalReynolds
                                              CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS
                                              • Sep 2003
                                              • 6571
                                              #12
                                              Re: Superficial Desires

                                              To put this back on track:

                                              I like free verse as much as the next guy, but I think it works a little better for longer poems. And while the subject matter isn't anything new, it's written with some semblance of competence, which is sorely lacking from most poems on here. So, kudos. You didn't make me want to kill myself.
                                              "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline."

                                              "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor


                                              My new novel:

                                              Maledictions: The Offering.

                                              Now in Paperback!

                                                Comment

                                                • Verruckter
                                                  FFR Player
                                                  • Apr 2004
                                                  • 2707
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: Superficial Desires

                                                  Originally posted by MalReynolds
                                                  To put this back on track:

                                                  I like free verse as much as the next guy, but I think it works a little better for longer poems. And while the subject matter isn't anything new, it's written with some semblance of competence, which is sorely lacking from most poems on here. So, kudos. You didn't make me want to kill myself.
                                                  Yeah, it wasn't extremely cheesy or clumsy in a 14-year-old-poet way, but it was nothing extraordinary.

                                                  Originally posted by hoochan
                                                  No, I really like your criticism. I always try to find people who will give it to me straight but everyone is too scared of my reaction.

                                                  Most people don't understand that brutal, constructive criticism is the only real form of criticism. You can't get a sugar coated response if you really want to get better at whatever you're doing.

                                                  Also, Robert you can suck my dick. I haven't done **** to you so you back the **** off. Don't become a second rzr.
                                                  Yeah, I try to be constructive with stuff made by posters here.
                                                  Truth lies in loneliness, When hope is long gone by -Blind Guardian, The Soulforged
                                                  Image removed for size violation.

                                                    Comment

                                                    • EnR
                                                      Massive flaming dildos.
                                                      FFR Simfile Author
                                                      • Jul 2007
                                                      • 8431
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: Superficial Desires

                                                      Whats a beautiful portrait to a blind man?
                                                      What is a symphony to a deaf man?
                                                      What is a 5 star meal to a man with no tongue?
                                                      I'm just wondering, wouldn't it be better if you used What's for all three. You used Whats for the first one, then What is for the other two.
                                                      sigpic

                                                        Comment

                                                        • mead1
                                                          Cerebellumberjack
                                                          FFR Simfile Author
                                                          • Aug 2003
                                                          • 3960
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: Superficial Desires

                                                          I'm going to try to avoid repeating what's already been said in this thread. To further critique what EnR quoted, I would recommend adding an adjective describing the symphony, as the portrait and meal both have words or phrases describing them.

                                                          Furthermore, lern2contractions. It isn't whats, it's what's. Isn't, not isnt. It's not its. The apostrophe is necessary. You can drop most grammar and punctuation in the name of free-verse poetry, but in the case of whats and its, without the apostrophe, it's just wrong.

                                                          The text color means nothing and should be dropped.

                                                            Comment

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