Please Critique~

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  • insomniac_platypus
    FFR Player
    • Feb 2007
    • 149

    #1

    Please Critique~

    Its for a contest, so please let me know what you think and give suggestions~


    Ignorance proves fatal
    Like a car ripping your heart still beating from you-
    Coulda looked before crossing,
    But you didn’t
    And look how you ended up-
    DEAD
    Coulda stopped…
    Coulda spared some sweet soul its misery,
    But you didn’t
    And look how that beautiful glass sculpture ended up-
    SHATTERED
    And all of it because
    Ignorance proves fatal

    You obviously love her
    At least, I hope-
    But how much?
    Respect yourself, your life, your love
    Because
    How much do you know, really?

    We’re all just bags of history
    Prone to being ripped open,
    Spilling our contents
    And it hurts
    Especially if it could have been prevented

    Hellfire
    Infiltrates
    Violates
    Annihilates
    Initiates
    Detonation
    So fast it can’t be stopped-

    Killer!

    Love~
    That intangible spice that just tastes so good paired with your morning coffee
    So loose the bitter, keep the sweet
    ‘Cause titanium is just so much prettier pure
    And ignorance always proves fatal.

    I am one kawaii-ass desu, bitch~ (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ *:・゚✧*

    R.I.P. jellygod - Forever my wife, forever your husband.
  • EAGAMES
    Y0FACE!
    • Dec 2006
    • 4931

    #2
    Re: Please Critique~

    Wow, I like it.
    Removed a .gif image so your total signature size isn't well over 1MB. Keep this in mind for the future.
    5th Official FFR Tournament Scores (Division 5)
    Round 1: Novo Mundo (AAA)
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    Round 3: October (1.0.0.1)
    Round 4: Silly Symphony (1.0.0.0)
    Round 5: Hardkore Atomic (4.0.0.1)
    Round 6: Blue Rose (2.0.0.0)
    Round 7: La Dump (Eliminated for being lazy.)
    Originally posted by smartdude1212
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    Comment

    • Crashfan3
      FFR Player
      • Nov 2006
      • 2937

      #3
      Re: Please Critique~

      Very nice. I hope you win.

      Comment

      • All_That_Chaz
        Supreme Dictator For Life
        • Apr 2004
        • 5874

        #4
        Re: Please Critique~

        This belongs in lit.

        Your lines seem arbitrary in a lot of places and your scattered use of puncuation only further confuses the reader on how it's supposed to sound. Your metaphors are vacuous and don't have any impact. Fix the spelling and grammar errors.
        Furthermore, this subject has been beaten to death. Nothing in here hasn't been said before.

        However, I enjoyed the final stanza. I'm tempted to tell you to scrap the angst-driven, disjointed tirade that occurs above it and instead focus on speaking about how love has bitter and sweet aspects, relating it to taste.
        Back to "Back to Earth"
        Originally posted by FoJaR
        dammit chaz
        Originally posted by FoJaR
        god dammit chaz
        Originally posted by MalReynolds
        I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

        Comment

        • GamerShadow
          FFR Player
          • Oct 2005
          • 2534

          #5
          Re: Please Critique~

          Originally posted by All_That_Chaz
          This belongs in lit.

          Your lines seem arbitrary in a lot of places and your scattered use of puncuation only further confuses the reader on how it's supposed to sound. Your metaphors are vacuous and don't have any impact. Fix the spelling and grammar errors.
          Furthermore, this subject has been beaten to death. Nothing in here hasn't been said before.

          However, I enjoyed the final stanza. I'm tempted to tell you to scrap the angst-driven, disjointed tirade that occurs above it and instead focus on speaking about how love has bitter and sweet aspects, relating it to taste.
          You have to remember, All_That_Chaz, that it's not the story itself, but rather how you tell the story that makes what you write a success. Every idea under the sun has been written before, but if you write it in a way that is original and stand-outish, then it can still be excellent.

          The final stanza is an effective one, I will agree with you on that one.

          My word on the poem: It seems that you are working with two separate ideas. The first is present in everything but the last stanza, and that is the "ignorance proves fatal" idea. The second is how love can be bitter and sweet, and how you should lose the bitter. Take one of these ideas, and use it for the whole poem. The two ideas kinda clashed when I was reading it. (Personally, I like the idea that you employ in the last stanza better, but if you think you can do better with the other idea, than go for it.)
          Note to self Finish.

          Comment

          • All_That_Chaz
            Supreme Dictator For Life
            • Apr 2004
            • 5874

            #6
            Re: Please Critique~

            Originally posted by GamerShadow
            You have to remember, All_That_Chaz, that it's not the story itself, but rather how you tell the story that makes what you write a success. Every idea under the sun has been written before, but if you write it in a way that is original and stand-outish, then it can still be excellent.
            I'm aware that you don't have to be competely original to write a good piece. I've written love poems too. It was an unoriginal topic posed unoriginally, and to be honest, poorly. I tried to refrain from what could be construed as flaming in a thread that was still in Chit Chat.
            Back to "Back to Earth"
            Originally posted by FoJaR
            dammit chaz
            Originally posted by FoJaR
            god dammit chaz
            Originally posted by MalReynolds
            I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

            Comment

            • insomniac_platypus
              FFR Player
              • Feb 2007
              • 149

              #7
              Re: Please Critique~

              Originally posted by All_That_Chaz
              This belongs in lit.

              Your lines seem arbitrary in a lot of places and your scattered use of puncuation only further confuses the reader on how it's supposed to sound. Your metaphors are vacuous and don't have any impact. Fix the spelling and grammar errors.
              Furthermore, this subject has been beaten to death. Nothing in here hasn't been said before.

              However, I enjoyed the final stanza. I'm tempted to tell you to scrap the angst-driven, disjointed tirade that occurs above it and instead focus on speaking about how love has bitter and sweet aspects, relating it to taste.

              ... Its about why you should get tested for aids. The "angst ridden stanza" spells
              H
              I
              V
              A
              I
              D
              S

              ... its subliminal.
              But thank you for the critique~

              I am one kawaii-ass desu, bitch~ (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ *:・゚✧*

              R.I.P. jellygod - Forever my wife, forever your husband.

              Comment

              • GamerShadow
                FFR Player
                • Oct 2005
                • 2534

                #8
                Re: Please Critique~

                It's two times better when the reader knows that the author is talking about AIDS. Be more obvious than what you did, because now a lot of it makes sense.
                Note to self Finish.

                Comment

                • Tokzic
                  FFR Player
                  • May 2005
                  • 6878

                  #9
                  Re: Please Critique~

                  The images are completely irrelevant and poorly constructed. Loose tone at some points is unnecessary ("coulda", "'cause"). Some places that should have punctuation don't have it and some that do have it shouldn't.

                  Though wordplay is excellent, I wouldn't have the subject of your poem as an acrostic. It's one thing to have a message that contributes to the subject, but leaving the understanding to pure luck of noticing it is kind of silly.

                  EDIT: Whoops, should have read what Chaz wrote first, I repeated a lot of it.

                  Last edited by Tokzic: Today at 11:59 PM. Reason: wait what

                  Comment

                  • Zythus
                    FFR Player
                    • Mar 2007
                    • 346

                    #10
                    Re: Please Critique~

                    I'd think the author was deliberately using such grammar and spelling to portray the poem in a style which gives ambiance to the piece. Not my faint of heart thought, because I agree that the poem was a bit unappealing in my understanding and much of it because difficult to read.

                    @GamerShadow
                    If you are suggesting being obvious to this poem only for the time being, I can agree, but in my opinion, having obscurity in poetry is something that really brings out the poem, or , gets the audience to think and take chances guessing on what it means.

                    Lets say a random 2 words: Limited, Remover
                    Obvious meaning:
                    Removes the limited.

                    However, if portrayed as it is of limited remover, it can occurr to the audience that there is more than one possibility.

                    1. Removes the limited.
                    2. The remover is limited.
                    3. the limited remover is an item or object.

                    I think the possibility of choice can help the appeal of the poem to some viewers, including me.

                    Comment

                    • KlingPosnot
                      FFR Player
                      • Nov 2007
                      • 237

                      #11
                      Re: Please Critique~

                      I'd say it is a great poem...anything that gets this controversial of a reaction is almost always a winner :P

                      Originally posted by who_cares973
                      nothing i say is ever siggy material *sigh* -____-

                      Comment

                      • All_That_Chaz
                        Supreme Dictator For Life
                        • Apr 2004
                        • 5874

                        #12
                        Re: Please Critique~

                        Originally posted by Tokzic
                        I wouldn't have the subject of your poem as an acrostic.
                        This is basically all I want to say here. None of your images are concrete enough to suggest any sort of meaning to the poem and you instead rely on the format of an acrostic to get your meaning across. Furthermore, you let yourself be controlled by the restrictions of the format. Those seven words by themselves come out of nowhere and don't have the impact you want them to have because the only reason they're there is for their first letter.

                        Oh and I wasn't just pointing to just those seven words as angst-driven (not "angst-ridden" by the way), I was pointing to everything before the last stanza, which now doesn't make contextual sense with the rest of the poem if it's about AIDS.
                        Last edited by All_That_Chaz; 02-25-2008, 10:05 AM.
                        Back to "Back to Earth"
                        Originally posted by FoJaR
                        dammit chaz
                        Originally posted by FoJaR
                        god dammit chaz
                        Originally posted by MalReynolds
                        I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                        Comment

                        • insomniac_platypus
                          FFR Player
                          • Feb 2007
                          • 149

                          #13
                          Re: Please Critique~

                          Originally posted by All_That_Chaz
                          This is basically all I want to say here. None of your images are concrete enough to suggest any sort of meaning to the poem and you instead rely on the format of an acrostic to get your meaning across. Furthermore, you let yourself be controlled by the restrictions of the format. Those seven words by themselves come out of nowhere and don't have the impact you want them to have because the only reason they're there is for their first letter.

                          Oh and I wasn't just pointing to just those seven words as angst-driven (not "angst-ridden" by the way), I was pointing to everything before the last stanza, which now doesn't make contextual sense with the rest of the poem if it's about AIDS.
                          *sigh* Why must it get so complicated...?
                          Yes, thanks so much for the critique, but ll i really wanna know from you at this point is:

                          Is it absolute crap or not?!?!

                          I am one kawaii-ass desu, bitch~ (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧ *:・゚✧*

                          R.I.P. jellygod - Forever my wife, forever your husband.

                          Comment

                          • All_That_Chaz
                            Supreme Dictator For Life
                            • Apr 2004
                            • 5874

                            #14
                            Re: Please Critique~

                            Poetry is a complicated art.

                            I also don't use those kinds of words to describe what people have worked hard on and take some measure of pride in and I don't want anyone to think that I'm making personal attacks on people when I critique their work.

                            It might work as an interesting performance piece, but I wouldn't recommend this for publication as it stands. As long as you're passionate about your art and accept criticism, the sky's the limit.
                            Back to "Back to Earth"
                            Originally posted by FoJaR
                            dammit chaz
                            Originally posted by FoJaR
                            god dammit chaz
                            Originally posted by MalReynolds
                            I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                            Comment

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