Please Critique~

**EAGAMES** · 02-20-2008, 09:57 PM

Re: Please Critique~

Wow, I like it.

**Crashfan3** · 02-21-2008, 07:28 AM

Re: Please Critique~

Very nice. I hope you win.

**All_That_Chaz** · 02-21-2008, 07:45 AM

Re: Please Critique~

This belongs in lit.

Your lines seem arbitrary in a lot of places and your scattered use of puncuation only further confuses the reader on how it's supposed to sound. Your metaphors are vacuous and don't have any impact. Fix the spelling and grammar errors.
Furthermore, this subject has been beaten to death. Nothing in here hasn't been said before.

However, I enjoyed the final stanza. I'm tempted to tell you to scrap the angst-driven, disjointed tirade that occurs above it and instead focus on speaking about how love has bitter and sweet aspects, relating it to taste.

**GamerShadow** · 02-21-2008, 12:27 PM

Re: Please Critique~

Originally posted by All_That_Chaz

This belongs in lit.

Your lines seem arbitrary in a lot of places and your scattered use of puncuation only further confuses the reader on how it's supposed to sound. Your metaphors are vacuous and don't have any impact. Fix the spelling and grammar errors.
Furthermore, this subject has been beaten to death. Nothing in here hasn't been said before.

However, I enjoyed the final stanza. I'm tempted to tell you to scrap the angst-driven, disjointed tirade that occurs above it and instead focus on speaking about how love has bitter and sweet aspects, relating it to taste.

You have to remember, All_That_Chaz, that it's not the story itself, but rather how you tell the story that makes what you write a success. Every idea under the sun has been written before, but if you write it in a way that is original and stand-outish, then it can still be excellent.

The final stanza is an effective one, I will agree with you on that one.

My word on the poem: It seems that you are working with two separate ideas. The first is present in everything but the last stanza, and that is the "ignorance proves fatal" idea. The second is how love can be bitter and sweet, and how you should lose the bitter. Take one of these ideas, and use it for the whole poem. The two ideas kinda clashed when I was reading it. (Personally, I like the idea that you employ in the last stanza better, but if you think you can do better with the other idea, than go for it.)

**All_That_Chaz** · 02-21-2008, 12:58 PM

Re: Please Critique~

Originally posted by GamerShadow

You have to remember, All_That_Chaz, that it's not the story itself, but rather how you tell the story that makes what you write a success. Every idea under the sun has been written before, but if you write it in a way that is original and stand-outish, then it can still be excellent.

I'm aware that you don't have to be competely original to write a good piece. I've written love poems too. It was an unoriginal topic posed unoriginally, and to be honest, poorly. I tried to refrain from what could be construed as flaming in a thread that was still in Chit Chat.

**insomniac_platypus** · 02-22-2008, 07:58 PM

Re: Please Critique~

Originally posted by All_That_Chaz

This belongs in lit.

Your lines seem arbitrary in a lot of places and your scattered use of puncuation only further confuses the reader on how it's supposed to sound. Your metaphors are vacuous and don't have any impact. Fix the spelling and grammar errors.
Furthermore, this subject has been beaten to death. Nothing in here hasn't been said before.

However, I enjoyed the final stanza. I'm tempted to tell you to scrap the angst-driven, disjointed tirade that occurs above it and instead focus on speaking about how love has bitter and sweet aspects, relating it to taste.

... Its about why you should get tested for aids. The "angst ridden stanza" spells
H
I
V
A
I
D
S

... its subliminal.
But thank you for the critique~

**GamerShadow** · 02-22-2008, 08:50 PM

Re: Please Critique~

It's two times better when the reader knows that the author is talking about AIDS. Be more obvious than what you did, because now a lot of it makes sense.

**Tokzic** · 02-22-2008, 09:35 PM

Re: Please Critique~

The images are completely irrelevant and poorly constructed. Loose tone at some points is unnecessary ("coulda", "'cause"). Some places that should have punctuation don't have it and some that do have it shouldn't.

Though wordplay is excellent, I wouldn't have the subject of your poem as an acrostic. It's one thing to have a message that contributes to the subject, but leaving the understanding to pure luck of noticing it is kind of silly.

EDIT: Whoops, should have read what Chaz wrote first, I repeated a lot of it.

**Zythus** · 02-24-2008, 09:56 PM

Re: Please Critique~

I'd think the author was deliberately using such grammar and spelling to portray the poem in a style which gives ambiance to the piece. Not my faint of heart thought, because I agree that the poem was a bit unappealing in my understanding and much of it because difficult to read.

@GamerShadow
If you are suggesting being obvious to this poem only for the time being, I can agree, but in my opinion, having obscurity in poetry is something that really brings out the poem, or , gets the audience to think and take chances guessing on what it means.

Lets say a random 2 words: Limited, Remover
Obvious meaning:
Removes the limited.

However, if portrayed as it is of limited remover, it can occurr to the audience that there is more than one possibility.

1. Removes the limited.
2. The remover is limited.
3. the limited remover is an item or object.

I think the possibility of choice can help the appeal of the poem to some viewers, including me.

**KlingPosnot** · 02-25-2008, 12:59 AM

Re: Please Critique~

I'd say it is a great poem...anything that gets this controversial of a reaction is almost always a winner :P

**All_That_Chaz** · 02-25-2008, 08:05 AM

Re: Please Critique~

Originally posted by Tokzic

I wouldn't have the subject of your poem as an acrostic.

This is basically all I want to say here. None of your images are concrete enough to suggest any sort of meaning to the poem and you instead rely on the format of an acrostic to get your meaning across. Furthermore, you let yourself be controlled by the restrictions of the format. Those seven words by themselves come out of nowhere and don't have the impact you want them to have because the only reason they're there is for their first letter.

Oh and I wasn't just pointing to just those seven words as angst-driven (not "angst-ridden" by the way), I was pointing to everything before the last stanza, which now doesn't make contextual sense with the rest of the poem if it's about AIDS.

**insomniac_platypus** · 03-5-2008, 09:44 PM

Re: Please Critique~

Originally posted by All_That_Chaz

This is basically all I want to say here. None of your images are concrete enough to suggest any sort of meaning to the poem and you instead rely on the format of an acrostic to get your meaning across. Furthermore, you let yourself be controlled by the restrictions of the format. Those seven words by themselves come out of nowhere and don't have the impact you want them to have because the only reason they're there is for their first letter.

Oh and I wasn't just pointing to just those seven words as angst-driven (not "angst-ridden" by the way), I was pointing to everything before the last stanza, which now doesn't make contextual sense with the rest of the poem if it's about AIDS.

*sigh* Why must it get so complicated...?
Yes, thanks so much for the critique, but ll i really wanna know from you at this point is:

Is it absolute crap or not?!?!

**All_That_Chaz** · 03-5-2008, 10:35 PM

Re: Please Critique~

Poetry is a complicated art.

I also don't use those kinds of words to describe what people have worked hard on and take some measure of pride in and I don't want anyone to think that I'm making personal attacks on people when I critique their work.

It might work as an interesting performance piece, but I wouldn't recommend this for publication as it stands. As long as you're passionate about your art and accept criticism, the sky's the limit.

Please Critique~

Please Critique~

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