My Heart is a battleground

Re: My Heart is a battleground

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go with Mead's guide to poetry and say that all poetry that is love or emo themed is terrible and cliched. At least you made it rhyme and it's easily understood.

EDIT: As Tokzic said, the formatting sucked.

~Tsugomaru

Re: My Heart is a battleground

Most of the format makes no sense at all. Why blue text? Why the weird font? Why strange capitalization, unnecessary commas...?

Overall though, it seems like too much depth in a simple metaphor because a lot of it just sounds nonsensical. Rhyming's pretty bad, rhythm is too short and makes it sound like a Dr. Seuss book.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

I understand where you are coming from, but for my first peom i actually didnt think it wasn't that bad. As for the blue text, well i like blue lol. And as for the love/ emo themed, it was none of the above, it was simply explaining how someone who gets teased and bullied would feel. There are people that hurt them, and yet people that make them fell better about themselves.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

That sounds pretty emo to me.

By the way, if you have to explain every little thing about your poem, then it isn't a very good poem. I'm not suppose to know that you like blue or that you think that the poem isn't emo.

~Tsugomaru

Re: My Heart is a battleground

"i like blue lol" is a pretty bad reason.

Also, there's zero indication that you're talking about bullying in your poem, which says something about its quality.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

When I saw this from the topic list, I thought it was called "My Heart is a battletoad"

Totally would have been a better poem.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

As correct as the criticsm in this thread has been, my one gripe is the comment that 'all poetry that is love/emo based is terrible and cliche', just because a poem is about love doesn't mean it's going to be terrible.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

i ****ing love battletoads!

Re: My Heart is a battleground

This is an unpopular sub-forum of a site for 13-19 year olds based around a flash music game. I'm sure we all judge poems here on a case by case basis, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred, love poems posted here are ****ty and cliche.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

The rhythm was pretty sporadic, especially

That part. I had to stop and read it over again, it doesn't flow.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

Shast'owned.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

Nothing to say, sorry, but I LOVE your signuture, NFD.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

Nice bump.

Re: My Heart is a battleground

People if you actually read and consider yourself a writer/reader...you'd see people actually want critiquing. If you don't like it TELL them why and give them ideas to fix it. Don't say it's a stupid poem...everyone is at different stages of writing and everyone has the potential to go somewhere with it...

Now, as for this poem:

Guns Shoot
Men hollar,
they grab each other,
by the collar,

I'm not sure if this is getting your point across. the first line brings out the battlefield analogy, so does the second line, but the last two take away from the dramatic imagery I think you're looking for.

A side of love,
a side of tease,
please make,
this war cease,

Yes in my personally opinion rhyming is laziness for people who don't want to look for better word choice. That isn't to say I haven't seen pull off amazing works with rhyming, and that I don't rhyme on occasion myself, I do...but this stanza just doesn't work out. I like the first and last lines, but the other two you need something else.

A word can hurt,
A word can heal,
Everything the
heart can feel,

First two lines and the last one are alright you could use a few more descriptive words, but good for a rough draft. However the third line throws off your rhythm.

stop the teasing,
stop the war,
I can not take
this anymore,

I like this stanza, it's simple, gets the point across and, despite the simplicity of the words, it actually does work.

All these feelings,
in a mound,
my heart is,
a battleground

Second line doesn't work...I don't like the use of the word 'mound' here...it just doesn't fit. And instead of 'my heart is' what about 'my heart has become'? it puts a little more into your flow and the transition into the next line words well.