(NAME HERE)’S ROAST
It’s an honor to be present at such an august occasion where we fete our beloved (name here) where you are surrounded by people who know you and love you, as well as people who have to know you and love you. Either way, it’s a grand evening and I’d much rather be here than home clipping my toenails. There are a few people and organizations that would very much have like to be here, but were prevented by Mother Nature. Over the last two days I received a number of phone calls from people who wanted me to relay their best wishes.
The Beer Distributors of America wish you a happy birthday and thank you for contribution you motto to increase beer drinking in the United States:
“Yeast meets west.”
The American Association of Wineries also wishes you a happy birthday and says that they’ll incorporate your slogan to increase wine drinking in the U.S.:
“Turn ‘decant’ into ‘decan.’”
The New Jersey Home Remodelers Association and New Jersey Union of Bricklayers send you warm birthday wishes and support your campaign to reduce the driving age to 13.
The Paraguayan day-laborers from Bernardsville, the Ridge football team, and all the utility men who service your house send birthday greetings and thank you for traveling out of town so frequently. They all agree that your master bedroom could use some sprucing up.
The Sir Neville Chamberlain Historical Society wishes you a birthday best and appreciates your ability to perpetuate their namesake’s most famous quotation with your motto: “Decorating at any price.”
A splinter group of the American Kennel Club called D-BULD (Dumb But Loveable Dogs) sends you birthday greetings and wants to make you a spokesman for their new campaign: “Inbreeding works and produces satisfied dog owners.”
Another animal group is ambivalent about sending you birthday greetings; CANA – Cats Are Not Appetizers. They wish you the best, but please have feelings for the felines.
There’s a joint birthday wish from the Mile High Club and Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. Due to your aviation sexploits, the next edition of Merriam-Webster’s dictionaries will now also refer to the airplane lavatories as “cockpits.”
On another lexicological note, an organization of which (wife) is a founding member, called WISOO (Women In Search Of Orgasms), send their birthday greetings. They also wish you wouldn’t be quite so literal in the definition of “quickie.”
Meanwhile, your second family – wife Gretchen, and sons Wilhelm and Karl, wish you a happy birthday. They are gradually adjusting to life in East Texas after you having moved them there from Switzerland. They’d like to know when you’d move them into a house with electricity and running water? They also want to know how much longer you’ll have to take care of your spinster sister, (wife)?
Both the American Toilet Paper Manufacturers and U.S. Wallpaper Institute, send you birthday best. They want to thank you for the new and clever uses you given for Lexicon stock.
Pfizer’s division in Edinburgh wishes you happy birthday but must respectfully decline using your suggested slogan for their new Viagra campaign: “Don’t wilt in your kilt.” They just don’t think Scotland is ready for it.
The Napoleon Bonaparte Society sends you birthday greetings and is pleased that you’ve decided to join. In response to your recent inquiry, one’s right hand is placed like this inside the shirt, approximately half down.
The Reincarnation Society wishes you a happy birthday, and thanks you for your written submission to their “Next Time Around” contest. Your essay “To Hell With Education; Next Time Around I’ll Become A Stockbroker And Make Real Money” was awarded fourth prize in their competition.
(name here), a happy 50th, and I look forward to the opportunity to lampoon you on your centenary.
It’s an honor to be present at such an august occasion where we fete our beloved (name here) where you are surrounded by people who know you and love you, as well as people who have to know you and love you. Either way, it’s a grand evening and I’d much rather be here than home clipping my toenails. There are a few people and organizations that would very much have like to be here, but were prevented by Mother Nature. Over the last two days I received a number of phone calls from people who wanted me to relay their best wishes.
The Beer Distributors of America wish you a happy birthday and thank you for contribution you motto to increase beer drinking in the United States:
“Yeast meets west.”
The American Association of Wineries also wishes you a happy birthday and says that they’ll incorporate your slogan to increase wine drinking in the U.S.:
“Turn ‘decant’ into ‘decan.’”
The New Jersey Home Remodelers Association and New Jersey Union of Bricklayers send you warm birthday wishes and support your campaign to reduce the driving age to 13.
The Paraguayan day-laborers from Bernardsville, the Ridge football team, and all the utility men who service your house send birthday greetings and thank you for traveling out of town so frequently. They all agree that your master bedroom could use some sprucing up.
The Sir Neville Chamberlain Historical Society wishes you a birthday best and appreciates your ability to perpetuate their namesake’s most famous quotation with your motto: “Decorating at any price.”
A splinter group of the American Kennel Club called D-BULD (Dumb But Loveable Dogs) sends you birthday greetings and wants to make you a spokesman for their new campaign: “Inbreeding works and produces satisfied dog owners.”
Another animal group is ambivalent about sending you birthday greetings; CANA – Cats Are Not Appetizers. They wish you the best, but please have feelings for the felines.
There’s a joint birthday wish from the Mile High Club and Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary. Due to your aviation sexploits, the next edition of Merriam-Webster’s dictionaries will now also refer to the airplane lavatories as “cockpits.”
On another lexicological note, an organization of which (wife) is a founding member, called WISOO (Women In Search Of Orgasms), send their birthday greetings. They also wish you wouldn’t be quite so literal in the definition of “quickie.”
Meanwhile, your second family – wife Gretchen, and sons Wilhelm and Karl, wish you a happy birthday. They are gradually adjusting to life in East Texas after you having moved them there from Switzerland. They’d like to know when you’d move them into a house with electricity and running water? They also want to know how much longer you’ll have to take care of your spinster sister, (wife)?
Both the American Toilet Paper Manufacturers and U.S. Wallpaper Institute, send you birthday best. They want to thank you for the new and clever uses you given for Lexicon stock.
Pfizer’s division in Edinburgh wishes you happy birthday but must respectfully decline using your suggested slogan for their new Viagra campaign: “Don’t wilt in your kilt.” They just don’t think Scotland is ready for it.
The Napoleon Bonaparte Society sends you birthday greetings and is pleased that you’ve decided to join. In response to your recent inquiry, one’s right hand is placed like this inside the shirt, approximately half down.
The Reincarnation Society wishes you a happy birthday, and thanks you for your written submission to their “Next Time Around” contest. Your essay “To Hell With Education; Next Time Around I’ll Become A Stockbroker And Make Real Money” was awarded fourth prize in their competition.
(name here), a happy 50th, and I look forward to the opportunity to lampoon you on your centenary.
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