as i take my last breath-my poem

**omgitznpv** · 10-8-2007, 07:52 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Originally posted by imajrockette

okay frist of all i made this poem on oct.3.07 so i am taking the advice now so dont get mad about it becuase my other poem i made today is not yet finished i will not post it up yet.enjoy!

poem-

i choose to end it all and as i make the last cut,the blade falls to the floor.i watch the blood seep through the wound as i weep in this silent hour.i fall to the floor in the puddle of blood,my vision gets blurred and i remember this world...as the thing that i hate.

note-if your going to make a ignorant comment you might as well not comment at all.also its not exactly like a poem and all but oh well.

I would yell EMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, but that's an ignorant comment.

But god, no offense, I don't like this poem at all.

1) Having no capital letters makes it more annoying to read. Actually use seperate lines. And 2 spaces after a period if you don't want to, as well as 1 space after a comma. Sheesh.

2) I can't feel a flow to this poem. It seems choppy. It sounds like a bunch of statements put into a paragraph, not a poem.

3) You might want to broaden on this. What makes you feel this way?

4) Too direct. It would be more interesting if you used words that symbolized your thoughts, not something straightfoward like that. Talking about things like these are not too good written directly.

5) The way you write this confuses me. "i choose to end it all and as i make the last cut,the blade falls to the floor." You can possibly reword this better or something.

There's a few more that I don't know how to put into understandable statements. But god, seriously, think through it some more.

**Verruckter** · 10-8-2007, 07:59 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Seconded, not enough poetry.

**ShAiOnEi** · 10-8-2007, 08:03 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

PoetPoetRevolution

**Verruckter** · 10-8-2007, 08:39 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Originally posted by ShAiOnEi

PoetPoetRevolution

I lol'd

**2fast4u4ever** · 10-8-2007, 08:43 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

gotta give her credit for
"effort"?

**ShAiOnEi** · 10-8-2007, 08:45 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Giving her credit of promoting self infliction? I certainly won't.

**Verruckter** · 10-8-2007, 08:45 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Meh.

Originally posted by ShAiOnEi

Giving her credit of promoting self infliction? I certainly won't.

Age: 13

**omgitznpv** · 10-8-2007, 08:47 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Originally posted by ShAiOnEi

Giving her credit of promoting self infliction? I certainly won't.

If she has good reason to feel that way, let her be. To me, she's just expressing her feelings. But if she wants other people to feel that way, then bleh.

*edit*

I hate people who title themselves as emos.

I frown upon many things and such, but I don't do anything you guys even come close to doing. All I do is have weird crazy sprees and shut everything away. But blah @ you people.

**korny** · 10-9-2007, 01:18 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

That, is not a poem.

**adlp** · 10-9-2007, 04:40 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Originally posted by imajrockette

note-if your going to make a ignorant comment you might as well not comment at all.also its not exactly like a poem and all but oh well.

if you post an unoriginal self-inflicting trendy poem you should expect negative comments. and if you cant take crap from people then dont even bother writing or posting your work

**imajrockette** · 10-10-2007, 05:47 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

emo is suppose to mean emotional and im very emotinal unlike these posers who make up problems just to get attention. i write these type of poems becuase im heart broken/if you dont like then boo hoo. i put down the note becuase i dont want smart arses to comment on my poems.i can except critsism that helps but not stupid ignorant ones.

also those who said its not a poem.no duh!i just said that if you would have read it then maybe you wouldnt have to repeat what i just said but oh well.

**korny** · 10-10-2007, 06:07 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

I read your first comment but your thread title indicates that you have written a poem.

**ShastaTwist** · 10-10-2007, 06:10 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

I don't understand why we all have to bash her. Your Internet penis doesn't look any better because you can insult a thirteen year old.

Anyway, I'm glad you're finally taking my advice. I'm sure your poetry will dramatically improve with the shortening of lines and more all-encompassing vocabulary. This poem is like all of your other ones so I'm glad you're working on something new. Don't be so blunt with your poetry, though. What you're saying now is pretty much, "This is what it is and that's it," it needs to be more symbolic and deep.

**korny** · 10-10-2007, 06:15 PM

Re: as i take my last breath-my poem

Originally posted by ShastaTwist

I don't understand why we all have to bash her. Your Internet penis doesn't look any better because you can insult a thirteen year old.

Anyway, I'm glad you're finally taking my advice. I'm sure your poetry will dramatically improve with the shortening of lines and more all-encompassing vocabulary. This poem is like all of your other ones so I'm glad you're working on something new. Don't be so blunt with your poetry, though. What you're saying now is pretty much, "This is what it is and that's it," it needs to be more symbolic and deep.

Right, because making my internet penis look better was the intention of the post.

as i take my last breath-my poem

as i take my last breath-my poem

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