My poem

**ShAiOnEi** · 09-16-2007, 08:10 PM

Re: My poem

Whoah thats real deep dude

**Flyleef** · 09-16-2007, 08:15 PM

Re: My poem

Thanks. It was born in my heart.

**spinal_compression** · 09-16-2007, 08:20 PM

Re: My poem

Did you make two threads for this?

**ShAiOnEi** · 09-16-2007, 08:21 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by Flyleef

Thanks. It was born in my heart.

Huh?

**Flyleef** · 09-16-2007, 08:23 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by ShAiOnEi

Huh?

It's a joke. lol

**Tokzic** · 09-16-2007, 08:28 PM

Re: My poem

Pseudo-intellectual spouting with no real meaning or message.

**Flyleef** · 09-16-2007, 08:36 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by Tokzic

Pseudo-intellectual spouting with no real meaning or message.

The message is in there. It's really deep. It's about Suicide. btw it's my first attempt at any poem. It was intended to be a suicide poem.

**ShAiOnEi** · 09-16-2007, 08:43 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by Flyleef

The message is in there. It's really deep. It's about Suicide. btw it's my first attempt at any poem. It was intended to be a suicide poem.

Oh I guess you don't know me too well. I don't like that stuff I was just joking too that poem is depressing, emo, and horrible.

**Tokzic** · 09-16-2007, 08:57 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by Flyleef

The message is in there. It's really deep. It's about Suicide. btw it's my first attempt at any poem. It was intended to be a suicide poem.

That's where "psuedo-intellectual" comes in. You're trying to convey this message by subconsciously throwing words on a page, but none of them are about or even point to suicide (thus, "it has no meaning or message"). Saying it's "really deep" is further proof of this because even you, the writer, don't know where you allude to it.

And the result is a pile of overworked symbolism with no common ground that's completely disconnected from your (intended) theme.

**Flyleef** · 09-16-2007, 09:09 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by Tokzic

That's where "psuedo-intellectual" comes in. You're trying to convey this message by subconsciously throwing words on a page, but none of them are about or even point to suicide (thus, "it has no meaning or message"). Saying it's "really deep" is further proof of this because even you, the writer, don't know where you allude to it.

And the result is a pile of overworked symbolism with no common ground that's completely disconnected from your (intended) theme.

I wrote it in like 5 minutes; I just wrote whatever I felt. I think you're not looking at the poem in the right way. All of the symbolism I wrote made sense....... and it wasn't overworked, and they do have to do with suicide.

EX: Flames burying hearing in hopes of becoming weak (CUTTING SELF)

EX: Dreams need water
in order to breathe (DEPRESSED PEOPLE NEED HELP)

EX: For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts (THEY DONT KNOW WHETHER TO LIVE OR DIE)
The rest is self-explanatory if you know how to read poems, lol.

**Tokzic** · 09-16-2007, 09:16 PM

Re: My poem

yeah you sure got me flyleef light and darkness and destiny and blood etc. sure aren't overused cliche tropes at all

Second of all, please stop saying "I wrote it really fast" and "this is my first poem" - that's irrelevant. By posting it you're saying that it's ready to be critiqued and therefore making excuses about why it might not be a masterpiece is of no consequence.

And thirdly, please, by all means, walk me through your metaphors and tell me how they relate to suicide. If you can at all, they're going to be extremely far reaches, I assure you, because even after your telling me that the poem is about suicide, the one single line I can link to it is "Make blood heal my soul, and others weep", which loses all of its power from being in every single MySpace-whore written poem ever done.

**ShAiOnEi** · 09-16-2007, 09:21 PM

Re: My poem

Originally posted by Tokzic

Words

Sup tokzic.

**Flyleef** · 09-16-2007, 09:29 PM

Re: My poem

This light that holds us is not what it seems (Not having fun)
Our only feelings are darkness covered
in serene thoughts of youth and guilt (used to be happy, but not sure why he/she's not happy anymore)
It's our only fate that chooses to grow
or shrink, (depression can cured or poisonous)
life is endangering to those who of us
think. (writing notes will only make more suicide thoughts)
Our mentality is different than the
roots of our trees. (suicide is not what life is for)
Dreams need water
in order to breathe. (you need help in order to cure depression
Life makes our
wonderment take a leap into time, without
speak. (life is wonderful, and its meant to be wonderful. nothing else)
Pleasure kills the eyes of blurry mens
feet. (excluded from society)
Make blood heal my soul, and others weep. (when you die, nothing is left, but those who miss you)
For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts. (don't know whether to live or die)
Flames burying hearing in hopes of becoming weak. (cutting self)
Change our lives, and let us sleep. (sleep = peace = life)

**Tokzic** · 09-16-2007, 09:41 PM

Re: My poem

With the exception of two or three reaches, none of those interpretations have any connections to the lines you're labelling them with. Not only that, but a lot of your intepretations have words that do nothing whatsoever. Example:

Originally posted by Flyleef

For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts. (don't know whether to live or die)

First of all, how does this line say that the narrator is indecisive about death when it's not talking about him? According to this line, the "their" is the people who miss you. Angels and animals don't know what "their" destiny is? Why would they? What does their destiny tie in with the narrator killing himself? What is the relevance of "angels and beasts"?

The answers to all of these questions is "who knows because this line is raving nonsense", and it applies to almost all of them.

My poem

My poem

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