For winter days.

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  • la
    FFR Player
    • Sep 2006
    • 25
    #1

    For winter days.

    Please comment and critique.


    For winter days.


    Razor sharp wind,
    causes a clarity
    flooded mind.


    Biting air induces,
    pleasurable cellophane
    wrapped lips.

    A crack in the wrap,
    a crevasse in smirking lips,
    a product leaks.


    The cold brings
    clear energy with reason.


    Legs pump against,
    what might be clouds,
    but more likely concrete.


    Dreams pass in and out
    of realization.


    Thoughts condense,
    in the upper reaches
    of conscience.


    A slight stumble
    and gain of apathy.


    A collapse on the afore clouds
    --they were concrete,
    discovered with contact
    against raw skin.


    A slumber in a freezing,
    muted,
    dream.
    Tags: None
    • doodlesthebear
      FFR Player
      • Mar 2007
      • 7
      #2
      Re: For winter days.

      It's nice symbolism... but I don't really understand it. Clarity can't really 'flood' the mind; clarity clears the mind. It sounds pretty, though.
      I encouraged someone to read today. What have you done to better the world?

        Comment

        • ShastaTwist
          FFR Veteran
          • Sep 2004
          • 599
          #3
          Re: For winter days.

          I like it a lot.

            Comment

            • All_That_Chaz
              Supreme Dictator For Life
              • Apr 2004
              • 5874
              #4
              Re: For winter days.

              yes, it sounds nice, but i don't really understand your word choice in a lot of places. please explain if it's done for a reason. things like clarity flooding a mind, induce isn't an action verb - what is it inducing? what do you mean by 'product'? the rest of the poem seems a lot like some interesting images that are thrown together but i don't get the point you're trying to make. im not trying to sound harsh, it sounds very pretty, but so do hallmark cards, what's your point here?
              Back to "Back to Earth"
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              dammit chaz
              Originally posted by FoJaR
              god dammit chaz
              Originally posted by MalReynolds
              I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                Comment

                • la
                  FFR Player
                  • Sep 2006
                  • 25
                  #5
                  Re: For winter days.

                  Explaining a poem takes away the point. Everything is done on purpose.

                  Thanks for the comments.

                    Comment

                    • ShastaTwist
                      FFR Veteran
                      • Sep 2004
                      • 599
                      #6
                      Re: For winter days.

                      Poems are open to interpretation, guys. :]]]

                        Comment

                        • sujishishou
                          FFR Player
                          • Oct 2005
                          • 183
                          #7
                          Re: For winter days.

                          this poem suffers from noncompositum

                            Comment

                            • ShastaTwist
                              FFR Veteran
                              • Sep 2004
                              • 599
                              #8
                              Re: For winter days.

                              Originally posted by sujishishou
                              noncompositum
                              Are we making up words now? I want in.

                                Comment

                                • All_That_Chaz
                                  Supreme Dictator For Life
                                  • Apr 2004
                                  • 5874
                                  #9
                                  Re: For winter days.

                                  Originally posted by la
                                  Explaining a poem takes away the point.
                                  Originally posted by ShastaTwist
                                  Poems are open to interpretation, guys. :]]]
                                  I wouldn't dare attempt to corner the poet to a single interpretation, especially on a subject like winter. And being enigmatic is fun in a Dickinson kind of way. All I'm saying is that even though you're trying to be whimsical and your very subject matter serves to (I can't find the words) hinder reason (bad, I know) or confuse the mind (this isn't better, but I think you get it), that perhaps this poem could tighten its ideas, and I would suggest revising a couple of your word choices.

                                  For what I mean by "clarity" and "tightened ideas," I only mean to be open to interpretation, because your poem to me seems unapproachable by readers (which of course is added humor for the writer because winter is supposed to be like that, but readers should still be able to enter the world you've created). For examples of what I mean by clarity, I point to any of the poems that I've written in these forums:
                                  A poem by me. - Flash Flash Revolution
                                  http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/vbz/showthread.php?t=65753

                                  Father's Violin - Flash Flash Revolution
                                  http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/vbz/showthread.php?t=65043

                                  My attempt at poetry - Flash Flash Revolution
                                  http://www.flashflashrevolution.com/vbz/showthread.php?t=62714


                                  yea, that looks like a shameless plug, and it partly is because i wouldn't mind getting feedback, but these show what I mean.
                                  Back to "Back to Earth"
                                  Originally posted by FoJaR
                                  dammit chaz
                                  Originally posted by FoJaR
                                  god dammit chaz
                                  Originally posted by MalReynolds
                                  I bet when you live in a glass house, the temptation to throw stones is magnified strictly because you're not supposed to.

                                    Comment

                                    • sujishishou
                                      FFR Player
                                      • Oct 2005
                                      • 183
                                      #10
                                      Re: For winter days.

                                      Noncompositum is latin for "this stinkin' poem doesn't not one time never freakin' rhyme!"
                                      Look it up. I am not joking!
                                      Last edited by sujishishou; 04-19-2007, 08:51 PM.

                                        Comment

                                        • ShastaTwist
                                          FFR Veteran
                                          • Sep 2004
                                          • 599
                                          #11
                                          Re: For winter days.

                                          Poems aren't all about rhyming.

                                          That's why there's free verse.

                                          EDIT::

                                          http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=ytff1-msgff&p=Noncompositum&ei=UTF-8

                                            Comment

                                            • FRANKKK
                                              FFR Player
                                              • Oct 2006
                                              • 1802
                                              #12
                                              Re: For winter days.

                                              Originally posted by la
                                              Explaining a poem takes away the point. Everything is done on purpose.

                                              Thanks for the comments.
                                              Exactly, I like it.



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                                                Comment

                                                • sujishishou
                                                  FFR Player
                                                  • Oct 2005
                                                  • 183
                                                  #13
                                                  Re: For winter days.

                                                  Originally posted by ShastaTwist
                                                  Poems aren't all about rhyming.

                                                  That's why there's free verse.

                                                  EDIT::

                                                  http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=yt...situm&ei=UTF-8
                                                  I know I am just messin'. I write a bit of poetry myself. But I always ryhme and keep a beat.
                                                  So I am just kind of biased.

                                                  I got noncompositum from the latin phrase Nullo metro compositum est.

                                                  http://www.columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/omnibus.html

                                                  Poem:

                                                  A spirit haunts the year’s last hours
                                                  Dwelling amid these yellowing bowers:
                                                  To himself he talks;
                                                  For at eventide, listening earnestly,
                                                  At his work you may hear him sob and sigh
                                                  In the walks;
                                                  Earthward he boweth the heavy stalks
                                                  Of the mouldering flowers:
                                                  Heavily hangs the broad sunflower
                                                  Over its grave i’ the earth so chilly;
                                                  Heavily hangs the hollyhock,
                                                  Heavily hangs the tiger-lily.

                                                  The air is damp, and hush’d, and close,
                                                  As a sick man’s room when he taketh repose
                                                  An hour before death;
                                                  My very heart faints and my whole soul grieves
                                                  At the moist rich smell of the rotting leaves,
                                                  And the breath
                                                  Of the fading edges of box beneath,
                                                  And the year’s last rose.
                                                  Heavily hangs the broad sunflower
                                                  Over its grave i’ the earth so chilly;
                                                  Heavily hangs the hollyhock,
                                                  Heavily hangs the tiger-lily.
                                                  Last edited by sujishishou; 04-19-2007, 09:45 PM. Reason: i could not get the spaces good for the poem.

                                                    Comment

                                                    • mead1
                                                      Cerebellumberjack
                                                      FFR Simfile Author
                                                      • Aug 2003
                                                      • 3960
                                                      #14
                                                      Re: For winter days.

                                                      Poetry without a rhyme scheme or any sort of set structure is prose.

                                                        Comment

                                                        • la
                                                          FFR Player
                                                          • Sep 2006
                                                          • 25
                                                          #15
                                                          Re: For winter days.

                                                          If you have a poem to post, great. Make a topic.

                                                          Also, this poem wasn't meant to be "enigmatic" or to "confuse the mind". It's a poem I wrote based on an experience I had. There's nothing that was supposed to "hinder reason" in the whole poem.

                                                          I appreciate everyone's comments.

                                                            Comment

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