My job is to stop people on the street who do not want to be stopped, tell them about a special deal on tickets the comedy club is having, and try to sell them discounted tickets. I’m not a scalper; it’s a legit job for a great club. But there are some things that piss me off. Here, I shall list them.
1: When I ask you if you like Stand Up Comedy, it is perfectly alright to smile at me, say no, and keep walking. If you say, “No thanks,” you did not hear my question because “No thanks” is not the answer to a yes or no question. You need to listen a little bit better. If you said, “No, thanks,” that would be more understandable, considering it is short for, “No, but thank you for asking.”
2: When I hold out my display after asking you if you like Stand Up Comedy, and you stare blankly at it, open mouthed as you walk by, not saying a word but looking like a retard. Good job, you just read the name of the Comedy Club in the same amount of time it would have taken you to say “No,” and kept walking.
3: People who say “Yes” and keep walking, and then act surprised when I try to follow the question up. Usual follow ups are “Where are you from,” “You live in Manhattan?” “Ever been to a Comedy Club before?” “Who is your favorite comedian?” Etc etc etc. Do NOT act surprised when I ask another question.
4: People who say “Yes”, stop, and then walk away when I’m explaining the deal. Not only did you waste my time, you’re also being an unfunny asshole. You can chortle about it to your friends later who all sleep in the dorm while you’re smoking pot, but just know that you’re not clever at all. You didn’t come up with it.
5: People who ask for directions and then get offended when I ask them if they like Stand Up Comedy. Gee, I’m holding a display for a Comedy Club. I’m not an officer of the law; it’s not my job to know where the local Starbucks is. It’s New York FUCKIN’ CITY. There’s a Starbucks over there, over on the other side of the street and if I concentrate, espresso will shoot out of my ass.
6: British people who cannot understand what I am saying.
7: The alpha of a couple that says “No” but then begins to laugh halfway down the street to their significant other. Great, you like standup comedy. Good. I’m glad you do, I’m glad you lied to me about it, and I’m glad if you ever go to a club, you’re going to pay double what I could have offered you. Serves you right, asshat.
8: People who say, “I hate to laugh/I hate Stand Up Comedy/ I have no sense of humor/ I get all the comedy I need from her/ Et all.” Never heard those before. You’re the most clever fucking person I’ve ever seen, sir or madam. You should team up with the thousand other people who say those things and take the show on the road. You’d make a great comedy troupe, the kind that doesn’t like to laugh or gets enough yuks in the bedroom.
9: People who run away when I hand them the tickets. Those are actual tickets and I am in no mood to chase you down, but I have to, making me very angry and you very hurt if I’m forced to tackle you.
10: People who say they’ll go to the club later in the week, but refuse to buy tickets. Oh, alright. Take your group of four people, go to the club, pay $76.00 when you could have gotten in for $20. Smart move, Captain Ass.
11: People who rudely talk to me. “NO I HATE STANDUP COMEDY!” Oh, alright. Yell at me more. You fail to realize that I will yell back, I will sass you back, and most often, I will embarrass you in front of your friends because YOU ARE NOT AS CLEVER AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
12: People who throw things at me, although that doesn’t happen very often.
13: People who talk to me, walk down the street, and buy from my co-worker. It’s a commission deal, sweetie. Just because you don’t like the cut of my jib does NOT give you the right to give my sale away.
14: People who say they are going to get money and never come back.
15: People who look down on my job like I’m some kind of scum. They look disgusted when I ask, even though it’s a harmless question. Well, Mr. College Student/Business Man, there’s a good chance that if I sell well, I’ll match what you make in a year. Doubly so, College Student. Go work at McDonalds. On a good week, I can make over $1,200.
It’s a good deal, people. Don’t treat me like shit because you’re having a bad day, you want to entertain your friends or what the fuck ever. Entertain your friends by going to the club. It’s fun. It’s funny.
I only have one viable retaliation (besides sass) that makes me feel good.
Me: Hey, you guys like Stand Up Comedy?
Kids: NO I HATE IT YOU SUCK!
Me: Oh, really? Well, Dane Cook is playing our club.
Kids: Oh, Dane Cook?
Me: Yup. Free tickets.
Kids: Oh, good deal!
Me: But you can’t have them. I’m saving them for people that like Stand Up Comedy.
Kids: But-
Me: Go fuck yourself, alright?
Doesn’t matter if he’s playing our club or not (He actually is in the next few weeks), they still don’t get jack shit.
I’m done. I’m just very pissed off right now.
/end Bad Day.
/END RANT.
/end Mal.
1: When I ask you if you like Stand Up Comedy, it is perfectly alright to smile at me, say no, and keep walking. If you say, “No thanks,” you did not hear my question because “No thanks” is not the answer to a yes or no question. You need to listen a little bit better. If you said, “No, thanks,” that would be more understandable, considering it is short for, “No, but thank you for asking.”
2: When I hold out my display after asking you if you like Stand Up Comedy, and you stare blankly at it, open mouthed as you walk by, not saying a word but looking like a retard. Good job, you just read the name of the Comedy Club in the same amount of time it would have taken you to say “No,” and kept walking.
3: People who say “Yes” and keep walking, and then act surprised when I try to follow the question up. Usual follow ups are “Where are you from,” “You live in Manhattan?” “Ever been to a Comedy Club before?” “Who is your favorite comedian?” Etc etc etc. Do NOT act surprised when I ask another question.
4: People who say “Yes”, stop, and then walk away when I’m explaining the deal. Not only did you waste my time, you’re also being an unfunny asshole. You can chortle about it to your friends later who all sleep in the dorm while you’re smoking pot, but just know that you’re not clever at all. You didn’t come up with it.
5: People who ask for directions and then get offended when I ask them if they like Stand Up Comedy. Gee, I’m holding a display for a Comedy Club. I’m not an officer of the law; it’s not my job to know where the local Starbucks is. It’s New York FUCKIN’ CITY. There’s a Starbucks over there, over on the other side of the street and if I concentrate, espresso will shoot out of my ass.
6: British people who cannot understand what I am saying.
7: The alpha of a couple that says “No” but then begins to laugh halfway down the street to their significant other. Great, you like standup comedy. Good. I’m glad you do, I’m glad you lied to me about it, and I’m glad if you ever go to a club, you’re going to pay double what I could have offered you. Serves you right, asshat.
8: People who say, “I hate to laugh/I hate Stand Up Comedy/ I have no sense of humor/ I get all the comedy I need from her/ Et all.” Never heard those before. You’re the most clever fucking person I’ve ever seen, sir or madam. You should team up with the thousand other people who say those things and take the show on the road. You’d make a great comedy troupe, the kind that doesn’t like to laugh or gets enough yuks in the bedroom.
9: People who run away when I hand them the tickets. Those are actual tickets and I am in no mood to chase you down, but I have to, making me very angry and you very hurt if I’m forced to tackle you.
10: People who say they’ll go to the club later in the week, but refuse to buy tickets. Oh, alright. Take your group of four people, go to the club, pay $76.00 when you could have gotten in for $20. Smart move, Captain Ass.
11: People who rudely talk to me. “NO I HATE STANDUP COMEDY!” Oh, alright. Yell at me more. You fail to realize that I will yell back, I will sass you back, and most often, I will embarrass you in front of your friends because YOU ARE NOT AS CLEVER AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
12: People who throw things at me, although that doesn’t happen very often.
13: People who talk to me, walk down the street, and buy from my co-worker. It’s a commission deal, sweetie. Just because you don’t like the cut of my jib does NOT give you the right to give my sale away.
14: People who say they are going to get money and never come back.
15: People who look down on my job like I’m some kind of scum. They look disgusted when I ask, even though it’s a harmless question. Well, Mr. College Student/Business Man, there’s a good chance that if I sell well, I’ll match what you make in a year. Doubly so, College Student. Go work at McDonalds. On a good week, I can make over $1,200.
It’s a good deal, people. Don’t treat me like shit because you’re having a bad day, you want to entertain your friends or what the fuck ever. Entertain your friends by going to the club. It’s fun. It’s funny.
I only have one viable retaliation (besides sass) that makes me feel good.
Me: Hey, you guys like Stand Up Comedy?
Kids: NO I HATE IT YOU SUCK!
Me: Oh, really? Well, Dane Cook is playing our club.
Kids: Oh, Dane Cook?
Me: Yup. Free tickets.
Kids: Oh, good deal!
Me: But you can’t have them. I’m saving them for people that like Stand Up Comedy.
Kids: But-
Me: Go fuck yourself, alright?
Doesn’t matter if he’s playing our club or not (He actually is in the next few weeks), they still don’t get jack shit.
I’m done. I’m just very pissed off right now.
/end Bad Day.
/END RANT.
/end Mal.
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