I stopped playing about a year ago, while I was in my prime. It was because improving was all that I wanted to do, and I had reached a wall that seemed impossible to overcome to get to the next level. I couldn't really describe with words what I had to do to get over the wall, but now I have figured out how to word it.
I had to move my fingers to hit notes before my brain was able to register the notes were there to be hit. Now, I was going through very tough times, and depression made me feel like I couldn't pass that proverbial wall, so I started playing less and less and ultimately stopped altogether.
I'm better (mentally) than I was then. I have a new way of looking at things (somewhat) at this time. I still carry a fatal flaw that took root upon my personality around the time I quit playing FFR, and that flaw was dependency. Basically I mean, unless I have someone around me doing the thing that I am doing, I have NO motivation to do that thing or anything else, whether it be schoolwork, FFR, working out, single player video games, everything that was my life up until my depression, my new dependency took those things I enjoyed doing by myself away from me. My depression caused me to require someone to attach to. Someone, just one someone, to live for. At first it was my best friend (ever since I flunked out of 10th grade I haven't gone to the same school as her, and she became less interested in me because of the inability to see each other and her busy schedule. Because I didn't have a someone, I got even more depressed. I barely managed myself during this time. I tried attaching to various people over the internet (because at this point my anxiety was too strong to befriend people at my new school), and eventually I attached to Hakulyte. After a while, he scolded me, told me he was not a daily activity to expect. It kind of crushed me. He was right, completely not in the wrong, even though my feelings were hurt. Then I stopped playing Chess (which he and I were playing daily, but I lost motivation) and started playing Call of Duty Infinite Warfare. After thinking about what Hakulyte said, I stopped trying to attach to someone.. Which, with my flaw (needing to be around someone for motivation to do something), I figured if I played COD I would constantly be playing with people, who had microphones, and a purpose and activity with which to spend my time with those people (the game). Then I started playing the game competitively. I joined a competitive team, but they eventually anted to move to a game that I didn't want to and I left the team. I joined another team sometime after that was much more professional and I broke two of their community rules over the course of our playing and they kicked me. The second rule I broke, I did it while being in an argument, and I just kinda yelled "FUCK IT" and got off. Apparently that's against their rules. It absolutely crushed me. I stopped playing COD. I broke my headset and controller. Then I just turned to watching media like Youtube and movies constantly. I would wake up watch media and go to sleep, having many naps during the day (oversleeping) because I had no motivation to do anything else. While I was in this cycle, I was depressed again. Eventually I attached to Hakulyte again, trying to keep from being depressed (I am describing the recent past month now). When i say attached, I mean 12 hour Skype calls almost daily, constantly talking with him, playing video games. He left for Anime North a few days ago and I've been alone again, but I haven't felt as alone as before my recent re-attachment. Haku kind of got me back into playing FFR. I've been playing it by myself too, which is improbable of me to do with my flaw (requiring people for motivation). I think it is because I know he will be coming back and I will be able to spend more time with him again and he likes playing FFR so I want to be able to be his rival by the time he comes back.
I feel like Hakulyte has helped me a lot, whether I refer to his putting up with my selfishness, his fulfilling my loneliness, his helping me be less selfish by reminding me of how other people feel, and helping me finally play a game by myself after so long (FFR). Thank you Haku x-x
Let me get to my second point. I am gonna get back to where I was, skill wise. I am going to pass that wall I backed down from a year ago. I won't be trying to compete with the best of the best anymore, not any time soon at least, because I have skill dropped HARD (at best I am D6.5 right now), but I will be improving at a comfortable rate, and I am intending to pass that wall eventually.
Thanks for reading.
edit: I flunked from 10th grade not because of my grades, but because social anxiety and depression kept me from attending the very end of the school year which was the important testing period. I had all A's in my classes but failed them because I didn't feel up to attending school during testing period, and ultimately failed the grade, even with my A's.
I had to move my fingers to hit notes before my brain was able to register the notes were there to be hit. Now, I was going through very tough times, and depression made me feel like I couldn't pass that proverbial wall, so I started playing less and less and ultimately stopped altogether.
I'm better (mentally) than I was then. I have a new way of looking at things (somewhat) at this time. I still carry a fatal flaw that took root upon my personality around the time I quit playing FFR, and that flaw was dependency. Basically I mean, unless I have someone around me doing the thing that I am doing, I have NO motivation to do that thing or anything else, whether it be schoolwork, FFR, working out, single player video games, everything that was my life up until my depression, my new dependency took those things I enjoyed doing by myself away from me. My depression caused me to require someone to attach to. Someone, just one someone, to live for. At first it was my best friend (ever since I flunked out of 10th grade I haven't gone to the same school as her, and she became less interested in me because of the inability to see each other and her busy schedule. Because I didn't have a someone, I got even more depressed. I barely managed myself during this time. I tried attaching to various people over the internet (because at this point my anxiety was too strong to befriend people at my new school), and eventually I attached to Hakulyte. After a while, he scolded me, told me he was not a daily activity to expect. It kind of crushed me. He was right, completely not in the wrong, even though my feelings were hurt. Then I stopped playing Chess (which he and I were playing daily, but I lost motivation) and started playing Call of Duty Infinite Warfare. After thinking about what Hakulyte said, I stopped trying to attach to someone.. Which, with my flaw (needing to be around someone for motivation to do something), I figured if I played COD I would constantly be playing with people, who had microphones, and a purpose and activity with which to spend my time with those people (the game). Then I started playing the game competitively. I joined a competitive team, but they eventually anted to move to a game that I didn't want to and I left the team. I joined another team sometime after that was much more professional and I broke two of their community rules over the course of our playing and they kicked me. The second rule I broke, I did it while being in an argument, and I just kinda yelled "FUCK IT" and got off. Apparently that's against their rules. It absolutely crushed me. I stopped playing COD. I broke my headset and controller. Then I just turned to watching media like Youtube and movies constantly. I would wake up watch media and go to sleep, having many naps during the day (oversleeping) because I had no motivation to do anything else. While I was in this cycle, I was depressed again. Eventually I attached to Hakulyte again, trying to keep from being depressed (I am describing the recent past month now). When i say attached, I mean 12 hour Skype calls almost daily, constantly talking with him, playing video games. He left for Anime North a few days ago and I've been alone again, but I haven't felt as alone as before my recent re-attachment. Haku kind of got me back into playing FFR. I've been playing it by myself too, which is improbable of me to do with my flaw (requiring people for motivation). I think it is because I know he will be coming back and I will be able to spend more time with him again and he likes playing FFR so I want to be able to be his rival by the time he comes back.
I feel like Hakulyte has helped me a lot, whether I refer to his putting up with my selfishness, his fulfilling my loneliness, his helping me be less selfish by reminding me of how other people feel, and helping me finally play a game by myself after so long (FFR). Thank you Haku x-x
Let me get to my second point. I am gonna get back to where I was, skill wise. I am going to pass that wall I backed down from a year ago. I won't be trying to compete with the best of the best anymore, not any time soon at least, because I have skill dropped HARD (at best I am D6.5 right now), but I will be improving at a comfortable rate, and I am intending to pass that wall eventually.
Thanks for reading.
edit: I flunked from 10th grade not because of my grades, but because social anxiety and depression kept me from attending the very end of the school year which was the important testing period. I had all A's in my classes but failed them because I didn't feel up to attending school during testing period, and ultimately failed the grade, even with my A's.
i believe in u dude u can do it! but yea hakulyte is the man 
def one of the coolest/nicest ppl on ffr
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