I wrote something

[rustyspoons]

Well, here it is, but I was about dead from sleep depravation. I haven't written a poem in a good while, so be gentle. Sorry about it being comma after comma, I just can't find a good way to split it up. Sorry.

-------currently re-working poem-----------

[Verruckter]

Re: I wrote something

Not bad, the form is a bit annoying though. At first I thought the lenght of the lines increased, which would of made a good "panick" effect.

The vocabulary could be a bit more rich, I think. I've seen "hopeless", "dark", "blood", "heart" been used too many times. The effort is there, and I guess that's what counts.

[rustyspoons]

Re: I wrote something

I'm try to work on how its presented, then I'm going to get rid of words that tend to be used alot. Well, only if in rare condition, were there is not a word I can think of. Well, I'm just rambling, so I going to try another one later on. Finally at the end of this, I would like to thank you for pointers, and the constructive criticism. I hope to post another one soon, BUT BETTER!! :P

[Verruckter]

Re: I wrote something

Use a synonyms dictionary?

[rustyspoons]

Re: I wrote something

Hmm...have to think about that.

[Verruckter]

Re: I wrote something

You should. I use it all the time.

[rustyspoons]

Re: I wrote something

I never really used on before, but my skills have died over the years. Im going to try harder on the next one

[Verruckter]

Re: I wrote something

Well, sometimes a word you find in the dictionary is even more accurate to the feeling you want to attribute to it.

[Tokzic]

Re: I wrote something

There needs to be spacing. A rhythm would probably help. Your commas are placed in dumb as shit places that don't make any sense at all. The fact that you repeat the line "I can't take it anymore" seems to carry no significance whatsoever and not only does it seem redundant but it makes it sound like you didn't mean it the first time.

Worst of all though is your terminal case of cliche. I've seen a thousand "poems" like this with zero original images and no coherant thought. It's not worth writing down if each day thousands of self-appointed artists write the exact same words in a different order.

[rustyspoons]

Re: I wrote something

Then I'll just try a bit harder on the next one. Maybe.

[All_That_Chaz]

Re: I wrote something

Rhyme was forced and amateurish. No rhythm whatsoever. I can't imagine what you were thinking not using lines and just leaving it as a paragraph of bilge. There isn't anything in here that hasn't been said a million times by every angsty teenager ever. Your vocabulary needs to be expanded. Your usage of commas makes it come off as a preachy lecture and the reading stale.

Constructive portion of the post:
1) Please separate your poem into lines. It looks like a livejournal post without them.
2) When your lines each hold precisely one phrase, and the lines all rhyme, you fall into a monotonistic reading and it sounds and feels stale and not thought-provoking. Think about using enjambment (where a phrase continues onto the next line) if the ends of your lines are going to rhyme. Or, don't use such full rhymes.
3) Cliches. Please get rid of them. Say something original. Cliches don't make anyone think.
4) If you have to write about this overdone topic, do something to make yours stand out. Don't make it sound like any old whiny "poem."

[rustyspoons]

Re: I wrote something

Ok. Thanks for the pointers, I'll try do do better with the originality on the next one. Although this one was not really planned out, just kinda wrote it out quickly, not really thinking of any format. Plus my over use of the comma's calls attention to my extreme lack of focus to the "poem" at that point. But like I said ; I'll do much better on the next one. In other words to this pointless rant, I wasn't caring about what I was writing, I was just writing.

If this whole thing sounds like a excuse, it's because it is. Plain and simple.

[LLaMaSaUceYup]

Re: I wrote something

Now!
Type out another one, with all the tips everyone gave you.
Good luck!

[Tokzic]

Re: I wrote something

Ok. Thanks for the pointers, I'll try do do better with the originality on the next one. Although this one was not really planned out, just kinda wrote it out quickly, not really thinking of any format. Plus my over use of the comma's calls attention to my extreme lack of focus to the "poem" at that point. But like I said ; I'll do much better on the next one. In other words to this pointless rant, I wasn't caring about what I was writing, I was just writing.

If this whole thing sounds like a excuse, it's because it is. Plain and simple.

You've got to realize what to post and what not to post, though.

I personally only post semi-polished pieces that I like, and anything else stays unseen.

If you wanted criticism on this, then you got it, and there's no reason to give an excuse because everything in this forum gets criticised.

[rustyspoons]

Re: I wrote something

I don't mind criticism, in fact I welcome it.

That was just a poor attempt of explaining myself, which apparently didn't work.

So bring on the criticism, the harsher the better.