a never ending fall-a poem made by me

[imajrockette]

Re: a never ending fall-a poem made by me

im sry that i havent used your advice.its just hard to make the lines shorter becuase i dont know how to make poems like that.ive tryed to do it but it always comes out messed up and it was even hard to make this one since it didnt ryme and im used to makind them rhyme.how do you make the lines shorter though?

[ShastaTwist]

Re: a never ending fall-a poem made by me

I want to stop trying and i want to let him go but something is pulling me back. All i see is darkness around and there's no light at all.

I'm trying to escape this painful thing called life but all my hope is gone. I'll try to live and hold on becuase their are supposively people who care but i'm so lost and i don't want their help at all.

I'm really confused and i don't know how to feel about him...sometimes i hate him and at others i like him but i don't know which side to choose. Am i making the same mistakes?

He's so confusing at times...he's scary and mean but i still want him to be with me. I used to see the bright side of everything but now my vision is'nt as clear and all i see is darkness and i'm the girl you'll always see in the corner crying becuase all i wish for is a very silent peaceful death to come and take me away from this painful world that i'm in now.

i know that could never happen so now i grab my gun.i press the cold silver end to my head and...bang! i lie on the floor dead...

Tired of trying, I long to let go,
My attempts to be rid of him have failed,
The darkness is surrounding me,
And I can’t take this anymore.

This hurts so much, this thing called life,
All of my hope has been utterly crushed,
I have to live for these people who say they love me,
But if they love me, why don’t they understand?

I don’t know how to feel about him now,
He makes my life so hard,
But he’s so wonderful.
Am I making the same mistakes?

He confuses me so much with his viciousness,
And even though it’s scary, I still want him to be with me.
The bright side of everything is fading,
The silver lining is vanishing.

And I’m crying my eyes out,
Making these wishes for a painless death.
And there’s the gun,
My one true friend.

And I’ve come to the realization,
As I press the metal to my temple,
And pull the trigger back,
That I can never have what I want.






What you're doing is trying to say too much and using too many words when you can use five or six words in each line to say the exact same thing.

[imajrockette]

Re: a never ending fall-a poem made by me

oh.your right since it likes a summary verison of the poem and it does sound more better when its shorter.your version does have less words and its also cleaner. i'll practice that then and i'll try to make the poem use less words.
thank you very much ^^