Serious issue that has been bothering me

[Mahou]

Please do not flame or troll this thread. If anyone gets offended, I'm really sorry. I already have a hard time talking about this with someone and I typically don't think anyone around me understands truly where I'm coming from. I haven't spoke with my parents with my matter either because I have a strong feeling they are going to be like, "I told ya so."
When I was growing up as a kid, I grew up in a predominantly white school. As time went by, I typically started to see myself attracted to other races other than black people (yes, I am black). In school, it was not common for me to be rejected because of my race. Typically the girls that I went to school with were pretty much against the fact of dating someone of my color. I'm pretty sure that happened because of the traditional mindsets of their parents.
When I got out of high school, things became a bit easier. I had some rocky relationships here and there, but that's life. When I got into the military, I thought I found the love of my dreams. She was awesome and very supportive in everything I did. At the time, I was living in Oklahoma and she was in Texas; therefore, traveling to see her about 3 times a month was difficult (but doable).
In the end of that, I was dumped because her grandparents and mother were super racist. I thought to myself, why would I end a relationship because of what her parents thought? Well, that was because she wasn't necessarily financially independent. They threatened to kick her out of her own home if she did not leave me. What made me even more livid was the fact they decided to wait 2 years to lay down their law. I guess they thought my relationship with here wasn't going to get very far. Even though I did absolutely nothing wrong for them to hate me, they took it upon themselves to go ahead and judge me based off my color. Even though I was super supportive of their daughter/granddaughter and was acting as a potential stepdad, they still hated me just because the color of my skin.
When that was finally done, the girl tried to keep in contact with me. She promised me that there would be someway we would be together like "we were meant to be." My dumb ass trusted her and ended up getting hurt in the end when she finally told me that "I fucked another dude. I'm not sure what I want to do with my life and I need to be alone." I was wrecked and needed counseling because my thoughts were starting to become unpredictable. I had times where I thought killing myself was the only solution to all this. I became super bitter and even found myself almost dying because I drank too much alcohol to try to rid myself of the pain. I was a serious wreck, but I couldn't tell anyone because I was too ashamed of myself.
After that, I lost my job in the Air Force. Sequestration happened and I was not happy. At first I thought I was going to be even more upset about it; but in the end, I realized that I would be able to go back to school and not have to take orders from superiors anymore.
There was about a 7-8 month span where I was able to finally be happy with myself. I was comfortable with my own skin and I even told myself that I was NOT going to be dating girls until I find someone who I can really connect with. After my 2nd month of school, I met another girl (who is white) that I'm with right now. We have a blast with each other and we see a lot of things eye to eye on lots of things. I don't know if I'm necessarily in love with her, but I'm starting to feel exactly what I did with my old girlfriend I dated 9 months ago.
A month passes and the girl I'm with finally told her dad. He was outraged and told her that this is unacceptable. Even though it is not typically the same situation, it's really starting to bug me again. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I don't want to go through exactly what I went through before.

EDIT: I've tried dating black girls to please my own parents; however, 90% of the time, they do not work out because of some conflict in our personalities. I'm not saying it's impossible for to date within my race, but I feel like my choice should not be limited.

Basically, every single time I end up dating someone that is not my own race, I get judged heavily by the color of my skin. I don't wear baggy clothes, do drugs (except drink), and fit the stereotype. I'm financially stable and can provide just like any other man would; but how come I always have to be so fucking judged? I feel like I'm no different than the people I'm surrounded by. I have goals and dreams I want to pursue as well. The more and more I think about it, the more capable I may start to have irrational thoughts. I've been through this type of depression before and I don't want to experience it again. I can't change what I'm attracted to, but I feel like it hurts me. I need some serious help and I feel like a counselor,friends, or loved ones can't even help me. Not once in the 24 years I lived did I think being black was going to affect my relationships. It's moments like these I almost wish I didn't even exist. Nobody deserves to put up with this kind of shit.

[Red Blaster]

Wow that's really pathetic of those people, and you're right, nobody deserves to be put down due to their particular race or color of their skin. I live in Texas, and believe me there are a lot of racists here, but I've never even heard anything like that happening.

I'm not the best when it comes to relationship advice, but I can definitely say that it isn't something you should go killing yourself over. It sucks to lose someone you care about, I had a fiance pull that same "Oh I cheated on you while you were deployed" bullshit so I know how it feels, but in situations like yours it really is kinda out of your hands as you did nothing wrong.. and also it's really shitty that the girl(s) wouldn't stand up for you and by extension themselves.

Just keep your head up man, maybe this girl you're with now will pull her head out of her ass and stick up for you..if not there's always plenty of other single ladies out there.

[drizzleRomanceGirl]

It sounds really painful to go through two relationships where each partner has had parents who judge you by the color of your skin. I'm not surprised that you're having all these detrimental thoughts, but what I think will really help is to truly believe that you're a wonderful person. When others judge you based on your skin color, they don't know the real you. There are always people who judge others for some reason. I think if you trust yourself and really believe that you are a great person, then you may stop having so many negative thoughts about yourself. I'm cheering for you!

[Mahou]

Originally Posted by Red Blaster

Just keep your head up man, maybe this girl you're with now will pull her head out of her ass and stick up for you..if not there's always plenty of other single ladies out there.

I didn't include this in the OP because it is a long post. She has stuck up for me(numerous times) because she sees me for who I am. Also, her mother loves me along with her stepdad. Even though her stepdad is not to fond of black people, he still ended up liking me because he was able to see my character (at least that's what I want to believe). After hanging out with them on several occasions, they even told me that I'm more than welcome to visit them anytime.
However, it doesn't matter if I established a good relationship with them. If the dad is dedicated enough, I feel like he will do something to her that will make her have no choice but to leave me. I told her that I've been through this shit before and I don't necessarily want to fight for something that will put her through a lot of stress - especially the stress that I had to deal with when I was still in the service. I would much rather find myself single if her father finds it too much of an inconvenience for me to be with her.
The only good thing I see is that she tells me that she doesn't care and wants to be with me because of the connection that we have. I like this girl a lot, but I don't necessarily know if it's really worth going through all of this again.

[Red Blaster]

Originally Posted by Mahou

I didn't include this in the OP because it is a long post. She has stuck up for me(numerous times) because she sees me for who I am. Also, her mother loves me along with her stepdad. Even though her stepdad is not to fond of black people, he still ended up liking me because he was able to see my character (at least that's what I want to believe). After hanging out with them on several occasions, they even told me that I'm more than welcome to visit them anytime.
However, it doesn't matter if I established a good relationship with them. If the dad is dedicated enough, I feel like he will do something to her that will make her have no choice but to leave me. I told her that I've been through this shit before and I don't necessarily want to fight for something that will put her through a lot of stress - especially the stress that I had to deal with when I was still in the service. I would much rather find myself single if her father finds it too much of an inconvenience for me to be with her.
The only good thing I see is that she tells me that she doesn't care and wants to be with me because of the connection that we have. I like this girl a lot, but I don't necessarily know if it's really worth going through all of this again.

Well then I retract that statement. I think this is a discussion you should be having with her, sure we can give input and suggestions, but the only one who could actually help with the issue would be her. From the way it sounds, the only issue is the the dad and other than that everything else is going smoothly, so I'd say if it's something that really bothers you (and it sounds like it does) then just bring it up to her and have a talk about it and what you both could do to make the situation better.

I see why you'd be hesitant to commit to another serious relationship with that same possible outcome looming on you, but you shouldn't let it bother you so much. If there's nothing you can do about her father, there's nothing you can do..but don't let that ruin an otherwise great relationship.

[awein999]

You've been unfortunate with your racism experiences and I can guarantee you that the vast majority of people are not going to judge you nearly so harshly for your skin color. My hope for you is that you can overcome your emotional hurt from these events and can be rationally secure with that facet of your physical appearance once again.

As for your current girl I don't know enough about this situation to tell you specifically what to do. Generally I think it's good to stand up for yourself if you are being unjustly scrutinized. If her parents are flat out in the wrong it's not something that has to be make or break for you because if your girlfriend wants to be with you it's her life and yours, not her parents, especially since you and your girlfriend are adults.

[icontrolyourworld]

I don't really have helpful advice, but I've been through a similar situation. I live in New Mexico and the population here is practically 50% white people, and 50% Mexicans. So I went out with this Mexican girl in high school for a while and I was really happy with her. When her parents found out I was white they sent her back to Mexico effectively separating us. I haven't seen her again, and it's a real bummer. I don't think about it too much, and I'm not really the outgoing type so I'm fine just hanging with buds on the internet. It was pretty fucked up though

[Wayward Vagabond]

wow i had no idea you were black

[Wayward Vagabond]

wait what the fuck youre xnix lmao i had no idea

[Wayward Vagabond]

realtalk

i get where you're coming from to a certain extent. when people find out that i am mexican and was born in mexico i get weird looks. ive had conversations with people where everything was going fine up until they find out whats up and they immediately start to get an uneasy look on their face like as if being born in mexico makes me dirty.

[Mahou]

Originally Posted by icontrolyourworld

I don't really have helpful advice, but I've been through a similar situation. I live in New Mexico and the population here is practically 50% white people, and 50% Mexicans. So I went out with this Mexican girl in high school for a while and I was really happy with her. When her parents found out I was white they sent her back to Mexico effectively separating us. I haven't seen her again, and it's a real bummer. I don't think about it too much, and I'm not really the outgoing type so I'm fine just hanging with buds on the internet. It was pretty fucked up though

Wow, that is really fucked up. I find that to be even worse than the situation that I've been through. I'm not sure how close you were to that person, but it'd hit me pretty hard if I found out she had to relocate herself just because of the person she decided to date. I can't fathom the thought process that led into making a decision like that.

Originally Posted by Wayward Vagabond

realtalk

i get where you're coming from to a certain extent. when people find out that i am mexican and was born in mexico i get weird looks. ive had conversations with people where everything was going fine up until they find out whats up and they immediately start to get an uneasy look on their face like as if being born in mexico makes me dirty.

This happens to me a lot too. I get judged pretty heavily based off what I look like even around people that I meet. I don't always have the most welcoming face in the world (I suffer from chronic bitch face), but I'm a totally different person when I'm being talked too. People also get very surprised when I tell them I was born,raised in Texas since I don't even have a deep southern accent at all. It's not uncommon for me to hear someone say, "Are you from the north or something?"

[Funnygurl555]

Relationships shouldn't be compromised over something this stupid. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I would say don't let the words get to you, but they will. I know they will. Just know that you're not doing anything wrong.

FWIW, I'm black myself, and I have parents who wouldn't want me dating outside my ethnicity let alone race or... other things. I never dated throughout high school, so that wasn't an issue until very recently since I started dating someone in college. I just haven't told my parents (don't plan on doing so anytime soon either), and I told my BF that my parents wouldn't approve of my dating him. This will cause an issue if the relationship becomes serious, but I guess I'll have to deal with things if it even gets that far.

[Ohaider]

middle finger to people that are still racist in 2014 haha, just got to wait for them to die off i guess

i suppose getting older and becoming more independent on both ends will make it much easier, even if her parents don't like you. wouldn't want to associate with those kinds of people anyways

[kommisar]

fuck people chill with who makes you happy, because there will always be someone who judges you.


My grandmother judged me when I started dating an english protestant because she wasn't french and catholic lol