random poem

[moches]

I wrote this a while ago and forgot about it until I read All_That_Chaz's violin poem. Just wanted to share to see what you guys thought.

Life is a lemon
Sour and sweet
Slice it open
Suck on the meat
Feel the bitterness
Silently swear
Just remember
Life's not fair

Any comments? I dunno if a lot of people will connect with the last line. Maybe I should change it.

[MalReynolds]

Don't use a contraction with the last line, because you didn't open with one in the first line. The poem is also kind of obvious, but cute. I like it, and I'm not if more subtlety is what is needed. Then again, I'm not a very good poet.

[All_That_Chaz]

Yes you should absolutely get rid of the contraction in the last line. Not only would that be more syntactically pretty but it would also give your poem some semblance of meter (5/4/4/4/5/4/4/4).

Your poem passes level one of my criticism. It has an idea. That idea is elaborated on in the poem. The images make sense in context and in the mind of the reader. It's kind of cute too .

So on to level two. While I applaud you for actually using syllables to give your poem a rolling feel, your stressed syllables are kind of all over the map. I kept tripping over myself while reading because the flow of the poem made me want to place stresses over different places. While I'm all for metric substitutions to bring attention to a specific line, I don't think substituting a trochee for an iamb is ever a good idea. Well, sometimes it is, but usually at the beginning of the line, not the end.
For example: (stressed syllables are bolded)
Life is a lemon
Sour and sweet
Slice it open
Suck on the meat
My mind desperately wants to put a stress on "-pen" instead of "o-" because that fits the scheme. This problem occurs again in the line, "Just remember."

Also I would either give the first line three stressed syllables or bring the fifth line down to two to give uniformity to your meter.

My only other quibble, and I'm not really certain how you'd fix this, is that your lines have kind of a rigid feel. It's hard to explain. The stop at the end of each line is like hitting a brick wall. Maybe it's because of how uniform the lines are and how short they are.

Sure it was a bit predictable but that doesn't bother me much because the meter makes it sound like a nursery rhyme anyway.

But overall good job and keep writing.

[moches]

Best criticism I've ever gotten. Thanks a bunch.

[MalReynolds]

oPEN