05-16-2009, 10:21 PM | #1 |
Cerebellumberjack
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"Darling" my first love poem
This is my first love poem ever written; if your gonna hate don't. Negative critisizm is fine, but don't be rude or mean.
I remember, my darling, all your singular features Your skin of pale white, your eyes of sharp blue. Your hair was the most fair of all other creatures From that first moment we met, I worshiped you Your steps so light, so innocent, so full of grace I knew that age would rob them of their spring So I decided I must somehow preserve your face To save you from the horror that years do bring My darling, the maggots have taken your eyes Their blue now replaced with deep pools of black I’ve stayed by your side, so let the damn sun rise I wait and I wish, darling, that I could have you back The rot has all but stolen you, but my heart still squirms I'll share you with no one, darling, no one but the worms. |
05-16-2009, 10:32 PM | #2 |
FFR Player
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
Oh, see I can tell you're being sarcastic because you used 'your' instead of 'you're'.
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05-16-2009, 10:34 PM | #3 |
nah
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: nah
Age: 29
Posts: 3,506
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
No emoticons.
gj
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nah |
05-16-2009, 10:40 PM | #4 |
Cerebellumberjack
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
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05-16-2009, 10:46 PM | #5 |
FFR Player
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
No, I saw the other thread.
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05-17-2009, 12:25 AM | #6 |
huehuehue
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ithaca, NY
Age: 32
Posts: 1,211
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
It's amazing. You'll get laid in no time. It just needs some more comment splicing.
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05-25-2009, 11:45 PM | #7 | |
FFR Player
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Suwannee, GA
Age: 30
Posts: 49
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
You say "darling" way to much and its kind of creepy. You'd freak the poor chick out. The meter sucks and the poem doesn't flow at all. You're use of words are questionable at the least. It to creepy to be romantic at all. Other than that its ok.
Quote:
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05-26-2009, 05:57 PM | #8 |
Cerebellumberjack
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
crawliiiiiiiiiiing iiiiiiiiiin my skiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin
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05-28-2009, 01:19 AM | #9 |
FFR Veteran
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
Yeah it does look like a poem.
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05-28-2009, 01:22 AM | #10 |
FFR Player
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Re: "Darling" my first love poem
trolled.
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