Just looking for opinions.

Angel Shiyue · 12-14-2006, 06:33 AM

Which actually gives you leeway to be as harsh as you want. I had about 15 minutes to write this in class during an experiment in which you picked a mood (or two) and then used setting, weather, and characters to develop it. I chose sadness and loss. It's nothing amazing, but I just wanted to see if anyone thought I did a remotely good job. Keep in mind that my writing style is a kind of 'snapshot', a glance at someone without knowing who they are which is why I rarely give names to my characters.

21 Days

She could hear the rain coming. The birds had stopped singing, the leaves rustled as if trying to tell her to leave the darkening forest. The last time she'd been to this place was with him before the war had begun. Now, his body was being sent home. The soft "shh" of rain filled the air, already becoming heavy with the scent of wet earth. 21 days. They had been married while he was on leave. The day after the wedding, he was shipped back to the front. In less than a month, she had a wedding and a funeral. The woods were silent, frozen in time. For a moment, she closed her eyes and tried to remember it all, when he held her close and whispered in her ear 'I'll come back'. Like a fool, she'd believed him, thinking there was no way that he could ever be killed. 21 days. He'd been so full of life, but just like this forest during the storm, all the life had dissapeared. The rainwater that slid down her face mingled with the bitter tears of a widow. The rain seemed to fall harder in that quiet moment of tears than it ever had before. With her face turned to the sky, she let a sob fall from her trembling lips. For too long, she had held back. 21 days. She'd had no use for tears. 21 days. He would have been delighted. 21 days. If he had survived that many more, he could have come home. Home to learn about his son.

FoJaR · 12-15-2006, 01:36 AM

cliggity cliche

Angel Shiyue · 12-15-2006, 02:09 PM

I'm not concerned about the cliche aspect of it. We were required to write this in 15 minutes only. I'm more concerned over the fact of setting the mood and tone.

**Windscarredfaith** · 12-15-2006, 03:01 PM

Pretty cool. Sort of easy to come up with... but given the time limit, it was well-written in my opinion. Good job.

mead1 · 12-15-2006, 08:47 PM

The problem is not that it is merely cliche, it is the fact that is is OVERLY AND RIDICULOUSLY CLICHE AND HAS ZERO ORIGINALITY AT ALL.

Grandiagod · 12-15-2006, 11:52 PM

You set the mood and tone, however, I've read this exact same story 1,000 times on 1,000 different fiction forums.

To make something eyepoppingly original in 15 minutes would have been way awesomer, even if you didn't get the tone down 100%.

Sol_Solis · 12-16-2006, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Angel Shiyue

I'm not concerned about the cliche aspect of it. We were required to write this in 15 minutes only. I'm more concerned over the fact of setting the mood and tone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Grandiagod

You set the mood and tone

we have a winnar!(or winrar for some ppls, lulz)
You set the mood just fine, no need to worry. Even though, yes, it is terribly ridden with cliches as mentioned and depending on the person, that may possibly interfere with the "feel" of the story.

FoJaR · 12-19-2006, 05:57 PM

it's so cliche i actually started to laugh...

i'd say that interferes with the tone

12-14-2006, 06:33 AM	#1
Angel Shiyue FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dragonmaw Age: 34 Posts: 90	Just looking for opinions. Which actually gives you leeway to be as harsh as you want. I had about 15 minutes to write this in class during an experiment in which you picked a mood (or two) and then used setting, weather, and characters to develop it. I chose sadness and loss. It's nothing amazing, but I just wanted to see if anyone thought I did a remotely good job. Keep in mind that my writing style is a kind of 'snapshot', a glance at someone without knowing who they are which is why I rarely give names to my characters. 21 Days She could hear the rain coming. The birds had stopped singing, the leaves rustled as if trying to tell her to leave the darkening forest. The last time she'd been to this place was with him before the war had begun. Now, his body was being sent home. The soft "shh" of rain filled the air, already becoming heavy with the scent of wet earth. 21 days. They had been married while he was on leave. The day after the wedding, he was shipped back to the front. In less than a month, she had a wedding and a funeral. The woods were silent, frozen in time. For a moment, she closed her eyes and tried to remember it all, when he held her close and whispered in her ear 'I'll come back'. Like a fool, she'd believed him, thinking there was no way that he could ever be killed. 21 days. He'd been so full of life, but just like this forest during the storm, all the life had dissapeared. The rainwater that slid down her face mingled with the bitter tears of a widow. The rain seemed to fall harder in that quiet moment of tears than it ever had before. With her face turned to the sky, she let a sob fall from her trembling lips. For too long, she had held back. 21 days. She'd had no use for tears. 21 days. He would have been delighted. 21 days. If he had survived that many more, he could have come home. Home to learn about his son.

12-15-2006, 01:36 AM	#2
FoJaR The Worst Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: space ghost is dead to me Posts: 2,816	Re: Just looking for opinions. cliggity cliche __________________

12-15-2006, 02:09 PM	#3
Angel Shiyue FFR Player Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Dragonmaw Age: 34 Posts: 90	Re: Just looking for opinions. I'm not concerned about the cliche aspect of it. We were required to write this in 15 minutes only. I'm more concerned over the fact of setting the mood and tone.

12-15-2006, 03:01 PM	#4
Windscarredfaith (づ￣ ³￣)づ watermelon Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: New Jersey Age: 34 Posts: 2,612	Re: Just looking for opinions. Pretty cool. Sort of easy to come up with... but given the time limit, it was well-written in my opinion. Good job. __________________

12-15-2006, 08:47 PM	#5
mead1 Cerebellumberjack Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: On a boat Age: 33 Posts: 3,960	Re: Just looking for opinions. The problem is not that it is merely cliche, it is the fact that is is OVERLY AND RIDICULOUSLY CLICHE AND HAS ZERO ORIGINALITY AT ALL.

12-15-2006, 11:52 PM	#6
Grandiagod FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Feaefaw Age: 35 Posts: 6,122	Re: Just looking for opinions. You set the mood and tone, however, I've read this exact same story 1,000 times on 1,000 different fiction forums. To make something eyepoppingly original in 15 minutes would have been way awesomer, even if you didn't get the tone down 100%.

12-19-2006, 05:57 PM	#8
FoJaR The Worst Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: space ghost is dead to me Posts: 2,816	Re: Just looking for opinions. it's so cliche i actually started to laugh... i'd say that interferes with the tone __________________

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