Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~

EpikLow · 10-11-2008, 10:47 AM

Alright, just to warn you there's swearing in this story I'm writing. So, If you're offended by that then this is not a story for you.

Basically my story is about; drugs, fighting, murder, sex, and four teenagers named Lily, Brandon, Amanda, and Justin.

Lily lives with her dad who works as a police officer. Her mother left a long time ago and everytime Lily brings her up, none of her family wants to talk about it. That is until she finds out about her druggie step-sister and makes a deal with her. Get her step-sister, Jen, the drugs she needs and in return Jen will let her know what is really going on with their mother. The only thing is, Jen has some debts to a gang. Unluckily for Lily, if she wants to find out about her mother, she'll have to safe her step sister first. And the only way they will let those debts clear is if she does certain jobs for them. Blackmail? Brandon thinks so.

But for Brandon, he's not really a friend to Lily. He's more of a... follower. Lily would love it if Brandon would leave her alone and stop trying to figure out what she's up to. Even his parents want him to stop hanging around her, but Brandon is determined to find out and try to help. Can he even help her? Or should he just stay away? Amanda seems to be in the same dilemma, but with someone else.

All Amanda wants to do is get Justin to stop fighting and actually listen to the doctors. Ever since they met a few years ago, she wants to tell him how much she likes him, but how can she when he barely notices what she's saying? Her parents don't help much either. Her mom is too much like a teenager while she barely talks to her dad. The only thing that makes her feel better for a few mintues is her job that she's been hiding. But how long can she hide when a girl who goes to the same school as her (Lily) has a job of her own that ties into Amanda's life.

Lastly there is Justin. Fighting, smoking, and pretending not the care about the expiry on his life. Everyday he seems to find life isn't as interesting as he wishes. Especially since he can't feel pain, thanks to his rare case of CIPA. His single mother is thankful that he's still alive, while the doctors are surprised, and Justin is just bored. How can you live without feeling pain? Can he live his life out, or try to turn his boring life more exciting when he finds out about Lily and the jobs she must do.

Chapter 1

http://epiklow.piczo.com/?g=47189323&cr=7

Please tell me what you think!

Thanks.

Paig~

**GG_Guru** · 10-11-2008, 10:53 AM

What....the....****?

MalReynolds · 10-11-2008, 07:04 PM

First warning, Guru. Don't post like this in Lit. You can post like this wherever you want, except my forum.

**GG_Guru** · 10-11-2008, 07:46 PM

Oh, Oh, I'm sorry. I did not know this was literature.

IDKW2CM · 10-15-2008, 06:06 PM

Oo cool I like it!
The other chapters are good too!

EpikLow · 10-18-2008, 09:56 PM

I'm going to work on chapter 4 tonight and tomorrow. I'll let you know when it's up

Thanks sooo much for reading!

IDKW2CM · 10-18-2008, 10:05 PM

Sounds good.

EpikLow · 10-19-2008, 10:19 AM

Chapter 4 is done

I might work on 5 tonight.

AOD_ELEMENT · 10-19-2008, 11:05 AM

this is a really good story, and i only read chapter 1 and 2.

kommisar[os] · 10-19-2008, 12:44 PM

sounds like an interesting read. i'll look into it tonight

rzr · 10-23-2008, 03:05 PM

Not really the kind of story I like to read, genre wise. I prefer fantasy/mystery, but that's just me. Uh, work on your grammar. I also think you could do one of two things. Either add more action to it, or spice up he action parts you do have. Other than that you have a good start, and you should keep going with it. Let us know when you continue it further.

P.S. I hate Justin, lol. Like, if he were a real person I would totally hate him.

**dore** · 10-23-2008, 03:22 PM

It could use some proofreading, like "close" instead of clothes, the word "boredly," you used "basically" twice really quick (very redundant). I stopped reading because of the grammar issues.

EpikLow · 10-23-2008, 03:27 PM

Lolz I'm soooo sorry about my grammar.
I really need to work on it.
Tonight I'll try to look over it and fix it up, but thanks soo much for checking it out.

10-11-2008, 10:47 AM	#1
EpikLow FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 29	Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ Alright, just to warn you there's swearing in this story I'm writing. So, If you're offended by that then this is not a story for you. Basically my story is about; drugs, fighting, murder, sex, and four teenagers named Lily, Brandon, Amanda, and Justin. Lily lives with her dad who works as a police officer. Her mother left a long time ago and everytime Lily brings her up, none of her family wants to talk about it. That is until she finds out about her druggie step-sister and makes a deal with her. Get her step-sister, Jen, the drugs she needs and in return Jen will let her know what is really going on with their mother. The only thing is, Jen has some debts to a gang. Unluckily for Lily, if she wants to find out about her mother, she'll have to safe her step sister first. And the only way they will let those debts clear is if she does certain jobs for them. Blackmail? Brandon thinks so. But for Brandon, he's not really a friend to Lily. He's more of a... follower. Lily would love it if Brandon would leave her alone and stop trying to figure out what she's up to. Even his parents want him to stop hanging around her, but Brandon is determined to find out and try to help. Can he even help her? Or should he just stay away? Amanda seems to be in the same dilemma, but with someone else. All Amanda wants to do is get Justin to stop fighting and actually listen to the doctors. Ever since they met a few years ago, she wants to tell him how much she likes him, but how can she when he barely notices what she's saying? Her parents don't help much either. Her mom is too much like a teenager while she barely talks to her dad. The only thing that makes her feel better for a few mintues is her job that she's been hiding. But how long can she hide when a girl who goes to the same school as her (Lily) has a job of her own that ties into Amanda's life. Lastly there is Justin. Fighting, smoking, and pretending not the care about the expiry on his life. Everyday he seems to find life isn't as interesting as he wishes. Especially since he can't feel pain, thanks to his rare case of CIPA. His single mother is thankful that he's still alive, while the doctors are surprised, and Justin is just bored. How can you live without feeling pain? Can he live his life out, or try to turn his boring life more exciting when he finds out about Lily and the jobs she must do. Chapter 1 http://epiklow.piczo.com/?g=47189323&cr=7 Please tell me what you think! Thanks. Paig~

10-11-2008, 10:53 AM	#2
GG_Guru Let em' do what they want Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 3,219	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ What....the....****? __________________

10-11-2008, 07:04 PM	#3
MalReynolds CHOCK FULL O' NUTRIENTS Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: A Denny's Bathroom. Age: 36 Posts: 6,571	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ First warning, Guru. Don't post like this in Lit. You can post like this wherever you want, except my forum. __________________ "A new take on the epic fantasy genre... Darkly comic, relatable characters... twisted storyline." "Readers who prefer tension and romance, Maledictions: The Offering, delivers... As serious YA fiction, I’ll give it five stars out of five. As a novel? Four and a half." - Liz Ellor My new novel: Maledictions: The Offering. Now in Paperback!

10-11-2008, 07:46 PM	#4
GG_Guru Let em' do what they want Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 3,219	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ Oh, Oh, I'm sorry. I did not know this was literature. __________________

10-15-2008, 06:06 PM	#5
IDKW2CM FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: SouDak Posts: 143	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ Oo cool I like it! The other chapters are good too! __________________

10-18-2008, 09:56 PM	#6
EpikLow FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 29	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ I'm going to work on chapter 4 tonight and tomorrow. I'll let you know when it's up Thanks sooo much for reading!

10-18-2008, 10:05 PM	#7
IDKW2CM FFR Player Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: SouDak Posts: 143	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ Sounds good. __________________

10-19-2008, 10:19 AM	#8
EpikLow FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 29	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ Chapter 4 is done I might work on 5 tonight.

10-19-2008, 11:05 AM	#9
AOD_ELEMENT FFR Player Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Africa Age: 31 Posts: 1,672	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ this is a really good story, and i only read chapter 1 and 2.

10-19-2008, 12:44 PM	#10
kommisar[os] Banned Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Moncton, NB, Canada Age: 33 Posts: 4,097	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ sounds like an interesting read. i'll look into it tonight

10-23-2008, 03:22 PM	#12
dore caveman pornstar Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: ridin on a unicorn Age: 33 Posts: 6,317	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ It could use some proofreading, like "close" instead of clothes, the word "boredly," you used "basically" twice really quick (very redundant). I stopped reading because of the grammar issues. __________________ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IREnpHco9mw

10-23-2008, 03:27 PM	#13
EpikLow FFR Player Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 29	Re: Four Teens and a Gun ~Story~ Lolz I'm soooo sorry about my grammar. I really need to work on it. Tonight I'll try to look over it and fix it up, but thanks soo much for checking it out.

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