life has been off the rails and only just recently started switching rails back on

[Arch0wl]

summary:

1. broke up with fiancee. I did this on a lot of opiate-based painkillers -- I don't normally take painkillers, so my tolerance for this sort of thing is very low -- and I largely don't remember doing this. I don't even remember making a lot of the posts I made in the thread about why I did this. I remember making the ones about my very questionable social behaviors, but not the actual parts about my fiancee.

2. immediately, and I mean 2-3 days later, regretted it. have since. still do.

3. sunk into massive depression. probably the first real depression I've had since ... I guess in 10 years. maybe longer.

4. to drown this, drove 5 hours to The Valley (several towns just above the Texas-Mexico border) with a woman I was lovers with. the purpose of doing this was to help her get a student loan that she could use to pay for a car.

5. I did self-destructive shit like drink an entire bottle of 50% abv bourbon and snort most of an 8-ball of cocaine in a single evening. I don't remember this evening and I'm not sure how I avoided serious injury since the alcohol alone should hospitalize someone.

6. the woman I was with, who I had grown close to, does visibly deceitful shit and I call her out on this.

7. she words things in a way that causes one of her friends believe I was a violent threat, so the friend, under this mistaken belief, attempts to rob me. then she leaves me stranded halfway across the state of Texas, without even so much as a ride to the greyhound station or money for a bus ticket. I was so undernourished and strung out that I couldn't hold my phone on the bus ride back without shaking, and received a pat-down from a drug officer because he thought I was smuggling something. the ride was a constant effort against vomiting.

7. this is explained further into detail here: https://www.facebook.com/a.macdonald...12218813812490

8. I am rocked by how much I didn't anticipate this happening. I'm usually ridiculously good at anticipating this sort of thing, so the fact that I didn't is like a tear in my universe.

9. I went into her motivations and psychology here https://www.facebook.com/a.macdonald...2246100534641/ the main thing is how much she put herself on the table -- by informing her ex-fiance and boyfriend of what happened I was basically able to fuck her current life situation over, and she knew this and did it anyway. she entrusted a ton of her information to me and nothing she did was the kind of behavior a manipulative person would have. I don't think she is this horrible of a person consciously. I think if she knew how much she hurt other people it would bother her a lot, because she was extremely kind and self-sacrificing and genuinely compassionate while we were regularly seeing each other.

10. when I got back, I barely ate and mostly slept for several days. the whole ordeal, which was supposed to be two days at most, set me back a week and I lost something like 5lb -- most of it muscle. since this also tanked my immune system, I was sick afterward.

11. have been a combo of legitimately depressed and legitimately ill

12. haven't been able to get shit done

13. just started lifting again, just started feeling like myself again and like I'm not in this fucking pocket reality of alt-America

basically if I said I was going to do anything don't count on it any time soon, I'm trying to Unfuck My Life at the moment and I have a *lot* of shit to do

I have to prioritize getting my entire existence back online, so to speak. this is not me expecting any kind of sympathy, I'm just letting you know know -- if you care -- so that you are not let down or misled by false expectations.

thank you for your time and patience.

[blindreper1179]

Shit man, that's all rough. Here for ya, a message away.

[Celirra]

Above all else, I'm glad you were able to hang in there through all of what went down; seems like its been quite rough for you lately and I'm relieved that nothing seriously injuring has occurred yet. Just keep pushin forward; as you expressed interest towards, lifting and that kind of thing is a good way to just reaffirm that you are still well and kicking, which is invaluable at times like this.

I'm interested to hear more honestly; if you ever feel like conversing more in detail toss me a message, you've got a neat life all things considered and I could probably learn a lot from it and perhaps pick up some of your wisdom, if not to even offer my own two cents on various matters if you so desire.

[Arch0wl]

Originally Posted by Celirra

Above all else, I'm glad you were able to hang in there through all of what went down

to be frank I thought the chick who was physically threatening me / attempting to steal my phone from my hands was hot so when she was climbing on top of me I was just staring into her eyes like "hehe you're pretty" while tryna look unphased

[rayword45]

This sounds exactly like the people I know in college minus the car and poverty.

People are self-absorbed morons. And if there's one thing near everyone seems to hate, it's the idea that ANYTHING they're doing is ethically questionable (no matter how obvious it is).

[mellonxcollie]

Hey dude, I know we don't always see eye to eye but I still wish the best for you and don't want to see you get hurt

I understand a lot of the feelings you've described here and I also totally understand numbing the pain with substances. You've really got to be careful if you're messing around with painkillers or mixing alcohol with coke. Not to even mention making sure you are hydrated/nourished is very important when you're going through hard times. Please don't neglect to take care of yourself, you'll feel a lot better if your body is feeling good

Try talking to your fiance? You quite obviously care about her a lot and weren't in the right frame of mind when this all went down.

[Arch0wl]

yeah her and I talk on a daily basis. getting back with her seems like climbing a fucking mountain and I don't think we'll be able to do it until her semester is over but I'm putting all I can into it anyway.

[Celirra]

Originally Posted by Arch0wl

to be frank I thought the chick who was physically threatening me / attempting to steal my phone from my hands was hot so when she was climbing on top of me I was just staring into her eyes like "hehe you're pretty" while tryna look unphased

I'd say that's not the worst way to react in that kind of situation honestly. May as well get the most out of it as you can while attempting not to feed into her sadism. That's some good optimism there.

[Arch0wl]

the hood friend who did that wasn't really sadistic so much as just, well, hood.

she:

1. was misled by brittany about what I "threatened" her about, so she thought threat = physical threat and, naturally, she came to her defense

2. thought brittany wasn't going to give her a ride home because of me, which fucked her out of a lot of money, and in her financial situation you can't really afford that

once she knew what was going on she bought me a gatorade out of mere consideration.

frankly I don't think anything she did was unreasonable. it actually makes sense using, as silly as it is, hood logic, and I've lived in places considered "the hood" before despite having the most anti-hood demeanor imaginable. (which is largely intentional, btw.)

what didn't make sense was what brittany did.

I didn't anticipate it because she WASN'T selfish, she didn't demand much, she actually went considerably out of her way to help me. in several instances she actually was willing to put herself in *considerable* physical and social (jail) danger to help me. I believe she legitimately cared about my wellbeing until that point, and I think in her version of events she acknowledges this and then thinks that I turned into satan or something.

I could screw her over. and did, when she fucked me over, and she was completely open to this. that's what so strange to me.

it didn't occur to me that someone would just fuck their life so hard like that. people who are trying to get out of poverty don't do that. her hood friend was surprised and found it odd that I was paying for a $40 ticket instead of just groveling for a ride and I was like "I can't lie man" -- and her intuition makes sense, moral choosiness like I did there is something you can't afford to do if you're in the trap -- but what brittany did was a far bigger hit than $40. it was potentially thousands with the combined scorn of me and her ex-fiance and her boyfriend. and other than her extreme, insane reaction to criticism of *specifically* her, everything about her was fine.

so, I don't think she has a psychological disorder so much as some event in her life (or prolonged period of her life) just fucked her brain up. (or she could just be insane that way naturally, idk, but that seems to be the most reasonable thing)

[Celirra]

It sounds to me like in a way, she snapped back to her natural instincts, so to speak. Obviously I don't know her one way or another, so I'm assuming and generalizing a lot here, but it's as if she was trying to make a difference in both your lives, in a way to prove she could, then something happened in her mind and then she resorted to the life style she was raised around and with. That's not to implicate you in any which way, as I'm sure if anything whatever it was was more of just a mental trigger (eg. I get irrationally upset at the dumbest of times; not violent mind you just much more reclusive by nature).

I mostly say this due to the repeated implication of hood logic; I've never particularly lived anywhere particularly "hood", nor been around anyone like that, so I can't speak much from experience, but based on what I've heard elsewhere, outbursts or aggressive behaviour like that is borderline normal, and becomes nigh an expectation within that kind of culture.

All the same, I hope the best for her; I mean, she at least made an effort for a while.