Lying within the cave - A story that I'm working on

[Netjet!]

Here's chapter 1

The chilly night wind blew throughout the land. Winter was coming, and everyone knew it. The farmers had locked their cattle, the smiths had doused their fires, and everyone was preparing. For they knew - that it would come.



Chapter 1 - A startling Discovery
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Mort stirred in his bed before his mother had come and woken him up. His mother was about 5 and a half feet tall, with scraggly blondish-white hair, that went down to her shoulders. She had a slim figure, but her old age was changing that. When she came to his bedside, she shrieked. "What IS that?" she screamed. She ran to the door, and grabbed the dusty broom that had been stood there. Upon this, Mort immediately jumped out of his bed, and went into an offensive position. But when he looked, it was simply an overweight mouse, trying to get back to it's home. Mort told his mother to step aside, and he put the mouse on his table. He examined the mouse. Surprisingly, it was dead! 'How could it have been moving?' he pondered. He faced his mother. "Mother, did you see that.. mouse, move?" he questioned. She looked confused, and just said "No, Mort, it didn't move at all. What are you talking about?" She then left the room, staring weirdly at Mort. 'If she didn't see it moving, how could I have seen it moving?' Then, suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something flicker. He turned, and when he did, the mouse was gone! All that was left was a pile of ash. He was truly startled by this, so he figured he'd go wash up.

When Mort went to the washing bowl, he immediately drenched his face and eyes. 'What is happening? One second I see the mouse, and then another second it bursts into ash? What is going on?' When he looked down to get more water, once again, the mouse was there! When he saw it, he screamed and ran to his mother. "Mother, mother!" he bellowed. "The mouse, it's there again, but in the washing bowl!" She looked frustrated by now. "Mort! I won't have any more of this foolishness. Get dressed, and gather more food for the upcoming winter. We don't want to starve." Mort sighed, and replied "Yes mother, I will do as you wish." Then, he went back to his room.

Once again, when he entered his room, there was the mouse, right on his bed. But something did not seem right. When he stepped in, the door slammed shut, and locked. Mort turned around, frightened. Nothing was there. When he turned back around, the mouse was not there, but rather a dark figure, dressed in a thick black cloak. Mort froze. Then, the dark figure curled his lip, and a single word came out of it's mouth: "You." It immediately seized Mort by the collar, and began choking him. 'I.. can't... breathe!' he screamed deep within his thoughts. Gloriously, though, he remembered that he kept his dagger in his tunic. But it was on his desk, which was about 20 feet away. He instantly came up with a plan. He used all of his energy, and kicked the figure in the chest, applying his acrobatic skills as well. The creature clutched its chest, allowing time for him to get his dagger. He quickly sprinted to his tunic, and pulled out the diamond encrusted knife. He let out a hoarse yell, and plunged the razor sharp knife into the creatures chest. It shrieked a sound beyond any belief. Mort had to cover his ears, but he saw the hooded figure disintegrate into small ash, and blow away out of his window. When it left, Mort fainted. For now he knew, that it was here.

[Zythus]

Its a fair start. A few problems generally. Your paragraphs are crushed and condensed. During a character's spoken dialogue, make a new line. This help the reader understand better:

She had a slim figure, but her old age was changing that. When she came to his bedside, she shrieked.
"What IS that?" she screamed.
She ran to the door, and grabbed the dusty broom that had been stood there.

Secondly, you are going too fast. WAY too fast. You are stating action without much background or description. This leaves your story fully to the readers' imagination and the readers' confusion. Try giving background information or talk about the environing scene.