Sweatervest -- A short story (caution: sexual orientation-ness)

[Kamunt]

Plot synopsis: Young Soren's mind deteriorates as he struggles with his sexual orientation in high school.
As a precautionary note, STREAM-OF-CONSCIOUSNESS = RIGHT HERE. Now you can't say I never warned you. Oh, another warning, certain parts can be left up to interpretation, as well; i.e. for certain parts here, there isn't only one "right answer" for what happens. Another forewarning for any critiques that may stumble upon my story. My only complaint about this story is that I think I may have made Soren stutter a bit too much. It was meant to be an exaggeration of an actually stuttering problem I tend to have IRL, but I still could've overdone it. Here is the exact same story over on Writing.com, as well. Anyways...enjoy, I hope.

Are you gay?

He stood there next to his desk, looking off into space, his head tilted slightly. His posture was upright and relatively proper, his binder open to the page he had been scribbling madly on during the period. His green sweatshirt was zipped up tight in the front, his hands in the front pockets it and his brown cargo jeans were doing their baggy thing down his legs. He chuckled slightly, then shook his head. A brunette girl turned her head to look at him, then looked back the way she was, chatting up her girlfriends.

Well...are you?

He sat on his desk and put his violet notebook on his lap, still open to his scribbled page. On it was the most intricate drawing he had ever made. He didn't know what had inspired him to draw this character, or who the character was, but all he knew was that it was, for lack of a better term, awesome. He stared at the paper as if to poke holes through it with his eyes. The male would've been about a scale six feet tall. He had short, combed grey hair and grey eyes. (Although, most of the character was gray, considering he was drawn all by a pencil.) His arms were bent at the elbow slightly. His tunic was generic and short, revealing his stomach. The character was very handsome and suave and had a nice build, but not that of a bodybuilder, with a noticeable six-pack. His slacks were also nondescript, dark and hanging down to his moccasins. His shoulders were broad and his hair hung down to meet them. His nose was not flat; nor was it pointed. The eyes were solid and light, but the way the imaginative lighting reflected off of them added a touch of cold to them.

It's not that hard of a question, Soren. It's nothing to be ashamed of, either. Are you...or aren't you?

"I...I'm not."

You sure don't sound too sure of yourself. Or, maybe you're bi?

"N-no, of course not! I only like girls...g-girls like you, who're kind, caring, und-understa—"

"You know you can tell me anything, right? I've been your friend for...gosh, two years now?" She smiled warmly.

"I-I'm not, I'm not...lying. I'm telling the truth. I...wouldn't want to, anyways...since every guy I know is a huge jerk..."

"Drawing again, Soren?" Soren looked up suddenly. The necklace he wore jumped. "Can't you pay attention for just one moment, dear? Please. This is history class, not art class. Save the artwork for art class." He blushed a bit, frowning and looking down. He opened his mouth to speak, "It's all right, no need to say you're sorry. It's good, really, but now's not the place or the time for that sort of thing. Now, please...can you answer the question, Soren?"

Soren looked into his book at the text printed at the bottom of the page, staring as if to melt the words clear off of the page. He blinked. Twice.

"I'm sorry...I can't."

X ---- X

Soren, "you know it''s completely all right."

I'm not.

"Don't be afraid to tell me anything."

I'm not.

"It's really nothing to be ashameI'M NOT!

He flung his note book across the room, hitting a brunette girl in the head. She cried out an unnecessarily loud "OW!" She rubbed her head where contact was made. "Mr. Rewanz!" the teacher barked, standing up suddenly. The notebook fell dead to the floor while staying open to the depiction for a moment before flipping shut; the violet cover stared at the ceiling. "That is no way to behave in my classroom! I don't know what's gotten into you lately, you used to be such a good student. Do I have to give you a referral, detention? Detention? detention? detention. detention... detention......

"I was....I, I noticed him...in the locker room...never met him, I know he makes fun of me with the others, though," the image said to him through the cover of the notebook. "He's...he's...he is...r-really.....!!"

Soren looked down at himself. His clothes were the same but were very different. His green-and-blue zip-up sweatervest sagged from his figure. His khaki pants hugged tightly his form. His silver necklace with the quartz sapphire embedded in it hung loose around his neck. His cologne reeked of feminine scents. He wrapped each hand around the other and grimaced at their soft, gentle feel. His head sunk to the desk with a "thunk" and the digital bell rang in his ears, once...twice...thrice.

Well, are you?

[Tokzic]

Your style is kind of annoying at points.

For example:

He had short, combed grey hair and grey eyes. (Although, most of the character was gray, considering he was drawn all by a pencil.)

What? Why say specific parts of him are gray if all of him is gray? If he's envisioning what his character is actually like, then say so, don't attempt humor and cut up your tone.

The italics are at some points very well integrated but at others vague and spotty.

I don't understand why you go out of the way to describe him at the end when it's supposed to be climaxing. Is he doubting whether or not he's attracted to men because of what he wears? Is he an idiot or something?

Also, none of this is stream of consciousness.

Overall, it's better than most of what enters the Lit forum, but still not really interesting. You don't seem to have a message, or if you do, you don't communicate it at all. The plot is cliche at worst and dully executed at best.

[Kamunt]

Thank you for the critique, I think. At the end, he sees himself as being different, seeing his clothing through a different lens because he begins to seriously doubt himself. Whether or not Soren is gay isn't what's important, but what he sees is himself in a different light. He sees his clothing in how he would see himself if he truly were gay. He doesn't know for sure, but the seed of doubt is well planted.

Also, obligatory "I'd like to see you do better" inserted here. I appreciate the criticism because it tells me what to improve on, but really, harsh much? I'm not George Orwell's understudy here.

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by Kamunt

Also, obligatory "I'd like to see you do better" inserted here. I appreciate the criticism because it tells me what to improve on, but really, harsh much? I'm not George Orwell's understudy here.

actually i'm finishing off a story at this very moment but if you don't want to wait a few hours you can click my sig link

I'm not being harsh, I'm just being direct. I'm not wasting my time writing fluff and gloss into what you need to fix, and you shouldn't want your time wasted reading it.

I don't know what you're getting at with the George Orwell analogy. Are you suggesting that you don't want to be a standout writer, or what? If you're happy with how good you are now and need ego boosts, go to Gaia.

[Kamunt]

Ew, Gaia. <_> I don't need to go to Gaia to know how bad it is, I've heard stories... I wasn't saying that I'm happy with my present skill level. I'm saying I'm not that great. The most formal writing training I've ever had would be the semester of honors Creative Writing I took last semester. I'm just a kid, after all, I can't be expected to write legendary works of art. I know I'll get better, but this is what I got now, that's what I'm saying. I'm maybe "good" in terms of a scale of writers as a whole, age not withstanding.

[Zythus]

A shaky composition overall, I find that your diction gets a bit annoying to the brain after a sentence or two. Frankly, your first paragraph had 6 "his...." in it, all condensed and spoken in the same manner, which is very tedious and does not render good imagery.
The italics were used redundantly used without much effectiveness. A simple "Skip-a-line" is fine just to distinct between the spoken dialogue and the story.
From a personal opinion, I find that no story is really great without at least some elaboration of the ambiance. Talk about the classroom a bit, talk about the girl Soren was talking to. You can easily write about how Soren sees the physical appearance of a girl, contrasting how his opinion of girls differ to boys.

A interesting read overall, I agree that this would be one of the more refined submissions in Literature forms. Loved the dynamic question for the ending.

[MalReynolds]

Whhhhat are you talking about?

As a freakin' published author and playwright, I'd like to think what I say carries a little more weight. What, did I negatively review something you wrote? Because it's not all sunshine and roses.

[Zythus]

No you haven't, but regardless of reasons, its very apparently that only the three of you give critiques as blunt as that. I did not say ego was a bad thing either, just merely pointing out that this is your "scene" so others wouldn't take it too harshly. If you were offened by this, I think you consider your critiques too lightly. But point is, I was not insulting anyone, not myself, as I have said that I do the same thing too.

[Kamunt]

Thank you kindly for the review, Zythus. Grrr, so that was something I forgot, the backgroundness. >_< That's kind of an important part of storycraft. I'll try to remember it next time.
To Mal, I didn't know you're a playwright, as well. D: I wrote a one act play for my Creative Writing final, but I actually didn't get the chance to finish it. All that dialogue and character development that's supposed to happen makes my soul hurt. x3 If I could, would you mind either giving a read what I have now or would you rather wait until I've got some kind of finished work? It's the first actually serious work of drama that I've tried to right and you could say that I'm quite the maverick. Or novice, is that the word I'm looking for? ...Whatever.

[MalReynolds]

Finish it first, or if you need help developing ideas, I'd be more than happy to help, permitting time.

[Netjet!]

I actually really liked that. If you finish that, please send me a whole version of it. Awesome stuff!

[All_That_Chaz]

Wait, what? I hadn't even said anything yet, sheesh. =/

I only give constructive criticism, and I usually reiterate that I'm not out to tell anyone that what they wrote was bad. If you think it would boost my ego to put down an aspiring artist ten years younger than me you're mistaken.

I normally don't comment on fanfiction because I feel that I don't know key elements of the characters that are explained in their respective original pieces that leads to a lot of the problems I have when trying to disect the work. That and I normally exclusively comment on poetry since that is more my specialty.

But since I am going to post I should probably give something for the OP. I'd say you should go deeper into the description of the drawing, since besides the aside you have with the reader it's a decent description. I'd like to hear more about the character in the picture. I'd also generally like to hear more about everything. This snippet has neither a beginning nor an end. The loss of a beginning is a quip I have with most fanfiction so I'll overlook it here, but really some sort of conclusion should be made. I don't mean on the subject of Soren's sexuality but instead something that would hint that some sort of progression has been made within the mind of the character. This could be accomplished through the action of throwing the notebook if more development goes into the struggle in his mind before he throws it or if there is more introspection as the bell rings. In lieu of either of those, perhaps during the walk to whatever next class he has he could have a more extended dialogue with himself.

[Zythus]

I apologize. The way I depicted the carefree statement made it sound like a criticism. Mal, Chaz, Torkzic, I am sorry if I offended you. I know that your critiques are constructive, just the way you make it sound seem tad hostile to people who don't know your caliber.

[Kamunt]

Thank you to everyone for your continued responses. @ Zythus, just don't go around dragging people into topics that they don't have anything to do with, mkay? X3

@ Netjet!: This technically IS the finished version... XP Since I don't really write drafts--an epic problem of mine especially when concerning English class--I wrote this mostly on a sporadic burst of creativity, and then slightly modified it from there. This being the perfect chance to segue(sp?) into responding to Chaz's comment, I'd like to say that Chaz has actually given me an idea or two as how to further extend this.

@ Chaz: Yeah, so apparently the "ghost" ending that I tried to implement really didn't go over too well with anyone except for myself. This is an excellent thing to keep in mind for future literaturic...?...excursions. I thank you for taking time out of your regularly-scheduled awesome to provide some insightful suggestions on how to better my writing, and what the hell is with my word choice tonight? >_<;

...I should post more of my stuff here more often, then. My confidence it my art has been bolstered a slight amount. (Bringing it all the way up to -732,210,305,382.)

[Zythus]

Don't worry, even if you don't invite them, they will pop up here anyways. (More or less =3)

I suppose we are all like that. After reading articles of academia, I feel like just about anything I've ever written was crap and doesn't deserve a 2nd look. Perhaps we all need that little damage to our egos to elucidate our positions and then move on.Then again , it isn't as easy as it sounds. Its in some ways traumatic to understand the crap you've been writing, and the whiplash takes sometime to recover...

Just my two cents after seeing a professional essay, then throwing away mine because it seemed so fail.