Im writting a book...

[JurseyRider734]

A lot of your punctuation and grammar is off, I'd have someone who's good at that stuff go through it and fix/revise things. I didn't even read it(sorry), but I skimmed it very, VERY briefly and found 3 mistakes with that kind of stuff already.

[earth_lord]

Originally Posted by pfff

Dude your story is like freaken awesome, if you got it published i would surely buy it.

I thank you for your comment but dont count your chickens before they hatch

in other words wait until your read the whole thing im writing then make your most awesome opinion

[TheAppleEater]

I think its getting good! But i dont think that should be the end of chapter 1... i do think it should be alot longer... but i dont know where you are going with it... so just keep going and hopefully it turns out good!

Logan

[MalReynolds]

That revision was retarded. President Lincoln the 26th? What?

Mal

PS: No offense.
PPS: Yeah, offense a little.

[earth_lord]

Once again im taking what you say into consideration and extending chapter 1


Chapter 1 CONT

I was astounded from what I heard. My friend, a beta tester. I was anger and disappointment rolled into one ball. I was resenting my friend, something I thought I would never do. The next day came really fast. It was Sunday, time for school (The current president started school on Sundays for a higher “education“) I took the local star-bus. I went to school only to find a crowd gather around this one kid who just walked in from space port 6. It was Michael. All I could hear was “congratulations“, and “awesome dude“, I went to congratulate him, when two large people walked toward him, one holding a card , each wearing black and blue clothes. One of the men were white what the other was black. The children surounding him, immediately backed away as the two people approached, one knelt down and whispered something in his ear, which he then game him his card. Mikes face went pale, he shook his head, what looked like in dismay.

He took the card and quickly stuffed it into his pocket. He then walked away from the growing crowd now walking toward him. After school, Lucky was sitting on a stool in front of the VHS while listening on the news. “Did you hear?� said Lucky “what� I said “About two suspects seen on the run, apparently wearing black and blue, one white one black.� “hmm?� I looked up and watched the Holosys. It showed very accurate sketches of the two men over at the school.

[earth_lord]

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

That revision was retarded. President Lincoln the 26th? What?

I know the number is a little high ill lower it

[VxDx]

are you serious with this? because this is honestly the worst thing I've ever read. are you 12? before you write a book, you might want to learn some grammar, and then some style, and how to write in general.

[FishFishRevolution]

Originally Posted by VxDx

are you 12?

I was gonna say earlier, I thought earth_lord was uua.

[earth_lord]

I see your are flaming me for my book, hmph.

I try my best. leave me alone about it, i will not reveal my age because it would only make a mocery of me due to your post

I SAY GOOD DAY SIR!

[earth_lord]

Originally Posted by FishFishRevolution

I was gonna say earlier, I thought earth_lord was uua.

No i am not 12. so leave me the hell alone!

[vashthestampede0987]

You seem to know about the concept of editing your posts, but, seriously, man, what's, with, the, double, post,?

[ToshX]

You suck at commas; I guess you do have a monthly period.

[Moogy]

lmao, this is the worst thing I've ever read, seriously. And I've had to proofread papers from standard English students. My suggestion: Wait until you graduate from high school, then try writing something.

Alternately, just kill yourself. <3

[MalReynolds]

Hey, hey, hey now. All the stuff I posted was from High-school. Like eh... Junior to senior. Everyone's being a mite harsh on you, but uh... Yeah, for the most part, they're right. Except for the kill yourself part. Don't do that.

Mal

[earth_lord]

You know what this was a huge fucking mistake screw you guys

GEESH

[VxDx]

the mistake you made was thinking you could actually write.

[OniSpltter]

You asked for honest feedback and thats what you got... You did get it in a rather rude way but got it none the less. Sorry but if you like your writing continue on, you never know who else might like it. My feedback would also be negative and I have a feeling you dont like negative feedback too much so I'll keep my detailed opinions to myself. If you werent ready for criticism (however you spell that haha) you shouldn't have posted.

~O.S.~

[psychic25]

Dude. Calm down.

The main thing people don't like is your grammar. Yes, I have a problem with it too, but if you like, I'll help you proofread it.

The world and concept is a great idea. I encourage you to keep with the story but PLEASE, PLEASE use proper grammar and spelling. It really does detract from the overall reading experience.

PM me if you'd like me to edit for purely linguistic errors.

And geez, you guys need to stop being so hard on him, unless you're actually going to DO something to help him. What, no constructive criticism here?

[vashthestampede0987]

Originally Posted by VxDx

the mistake you made was thinking you could actually write.

Wow, for once I agree with him.

@Psy: Dude, there's nothing to construct upon.

[MalReynolds]

My main complaint is the total lack of rythm. It doesn't flow well at all and the sentences seem to be half thought out, angular and full of contradictions. Interesting world, yes... But, did I care about the riot? Why are there so many president Lincolns? And, instead of justifying every new idea by going (Hey, this explains it), why not take out a section for a new paragraph that would explain something instead of cloud it up?

Most of your edits have made the story more confusing than lucid. Yes, your grammar is a problem, but the story has nothing to keep me interested. The mystery you tried to throw in was better than the hackneyed, "Hey, I just won in the first six pages," but I didn't really care who the two guys were. You don't give enough detail to your charachters. I don't know where you're going to go with it, but I don't like the fact that the hero is so juvenile. Or the fact that he has a talking android cat with a positronic brain. Why not just give him a little sister? Make the role of women in the future far inferior, making her do taxes and making dinner. Required courses at school. Boys and girls attend different schools or something? Girls go to prep school while boys go to a more knowledge based institution? Maybe I'm just giving it too much thought, or you're not giving it enough.

And "Did I mention may name is..." is so damned overused.

Did I mention my name is

Mal?