My poem

[Flyleef]

Suicide

This light that holds us is not what it seems
Our only feelings are darkness covered
in serene thoughts of youth and guilt
It's our only fate that chooses to grow
or shrink, life is endangering to those who of us
think. Our mentality is different than the
roots of our trees. Dreams need water
in order to breathe. Life makes our
wonderment take a leap into time, without
speak. Pleasure kills the eyes of blurry mens
feet. Make blood heal my soul, and others weep.
For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts.
Flames burying hearing in hopes of becoming weak.
Change our lives, and let us sleep.

[ShAiOnEi]

Whoah thats real deep dude

[Flyleef]

Thanks. It was born in my heart.

[spinal_compression]

Did you make two threads for this?

[ShAiOnEi]

Originally Posted by Flyleef

Thanks. It was born in my heart.

Huh?

[Flyleef]

Originally Posted by ShAiOnEi

Huh?

It's a joke. lol

[Tokzic]

Pseudo-intellectual spouting with no real meaning or message.

[Flyleef]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

Pseudo-intellectual spouting with no real meaning or message.

The message is in there. It's really deep. It's about Suicide. btw it's my first attempt at any poem. It was intended to be a suicide poem.

[ShAiOnEi]

Originally Posted by Flyleef

The message is in there. It's really deep. It's about Suicide. btw it's my first attempt at any poem. It was intended to be a suicide poem.

Oh I guess you don't know me too well. I don't like that stuff I was just joking too that poem is depressing, emo, and horrible.

[Tokzic]

Originally Posted by Flyleef

The message is in there. It's really deep. It's about Suicide. btw it's my first attempt at any poem. It was intended to be a suicide poem.

That's where "psuedo-intellectual" comes in. You're trying to convey this message by subconsciously throwing words on a page, but none of them are about or even point to suicide (thus, "it has no meaning or message"). Saying it's "really deep" is further proof of this because even you, the writer, don't know where you allude to it.

And the result is a pile of overworked symbolism with no common ground that's completely disconnected from your (intended) theme.

[Flyleef]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

That's where "psuedo-intellectual" comes in. You're trying to convey this message by subconsciously throwing words on a page, but none of them are about or even point to suicide (thus, "it has no meaning or message"). Saying it's "really deep" is further proof of this because even you, the writer, don't know where you allude to it.

And the result is a pile of overworked symbolism with no common ground that's completely disconnected from your (intended) theme.

I wrote it in like 5 minutes; I just wrote whatever I felt. I think you're not looking at the poem in the right way. All of the symbolism I wrote made sense....... and it wasn't overworked, and they do have to do with suicide.

EX: Flames burying hearing in hopes of becoming weak (CUTTING SELF)

EX: Dreams need water
in order to breathe (DEPRESSED PEOPLE NEED HELP)

EX: For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts (THEY DONT KNOW WHETHER TO LIVE OR DIE)
The rest is self-explanatory if you know how to read poems, lol.

[Tokzic]

yeah you sure got me flyleef light and darkness and destiny and blood etc. sure aren't overused cliche tropes at all

Second of all, please stop saying "I wrote it really fast" and "this is my first poem" - that's irrelevant. By posting it you're saying that it's ready to be critiqued and therefore making excuses about why it might not be a masterpiece is of no consequence.

And thirdly, please, by all means, walk me through your metaphors and tell me how they relate to suicide. If you can at all, they're going to be extremely far reaches, I assure you, because even after your telling me that the poem is about suicide, the one single line I can link to it is "Make blood heal my soul, and others weep", which loses all of its power from being in every single MySpace-whore written poem ever done.

[ShAiOnEi]

Originally Posted by Tokzic

Words

Sup tokzic.

[Flyleef]

This light that holds us is not what it seems (Not having fun)
Our only feelings are darkness covered
in serene thoughts of youth and guilt (used to be happy, but not sure why he/she's not happy anymore)
It's our only fate that chooses to grow
or shrink, (depression can cured or poisonous)
life is endangering to those who of us
think. (writing notes will only make more suicide thoughts)
Our mentality is different than the
roots of our trees. (suicide is not what life is for)
Dreams need water
in order to breathe. (you need help in order to cure depression
Life makes our
wonderment take a leap into time, without
speak. (life is wonderful, and its meant to be wonderful. nothing else)
Pleasure kills the eyes of blurry mens
feet. (excluded from society)
Make blood heal my soul, and others weep. (when you die, nothing is left, but those who miss you)
For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts. (don't know whether to live or die)
Flames burying hearing in hopes of becoming weak. (cutting self)
Change our lives, and let us sleep. (sleep = peace = life)

[Tokzic]

With the exception of two or three reaches, none of those interpretations have any connections to the lines you're labelling them with. Not only that, but a lot of your intepretations have words that do nothing whatsoever. Example:

Originally Posted by Flyleef

For their destiny is not known to angels nor beasts. (don't know whether to live or die)

First of all, how does this line say that the narrator is indecisive about death when it's not talking about him? According to this line, the "their" is the people who miss you. Angels and animals don't know what "their" destiny is? Why would they? What does their destiny tie in with the narrator killing himself? What is the relevance of "angels and beasts"?

The answers to all of these questions is "who knows because this line is raving nonsense", and it applies to almost all of them.

[Wintergreen]

This poem makes sense to no one but the poor bastard who wrote it. This is fine if a poem is written entirely for the self, but if there's any intended audience (and I presume so, as you've posted it here for eyes other than your own) then this renders the entire poem useless. Good poetry will pull the audience in and allow them to experience what the author's experienced, see what the author's seen, understand what the author's understood. Even the most astute and poetically experienced reader would have trouble with this poem. It fails. :P

P.S.
Someone famous once said that a person should work on a poem in solitude for a month before daring to show it to anyone. I whole-heartedly agree and hope you take the advice to heart. Without exception, everyone's first poem sucks. Don't be a dick about well meant criticism. =]

[ShastaTwist]

Originally Posted by Flyleef

Pleasure kills the eyes of blurry mens
feet.

Feet don't have eyes.


The reason nobody understands this poem is because all the "symbolism" you used is purely your symbolism. Since it is your symbolism and not ours, it is hard for us to understand what you mean. Also, it's very vague, you would have to study this for hours to even get a grasp on one line.

[imajrockette]

foget about the others dude.espcially that tozic jerk.anyway the poem was pretty good and since it was your first attempt frekin awome lol.im serious thoughh i kind of like it.it was alittle confusing but i get where your coming from ^^.

plus if they dont like it then to bad people bash my poems alot anyway.i love the end part alot .

[xObserveRx]

**** Tokzic, when did you suddenly decide to start owning everyone?

[fido123]

I agree with Tokzic...you did just put down as many words that do in fact sound rather deep but really mean nothing. It's a good attempt but obviously Tokzic is being a bit critical speaking as if your a professional. Keep trying but take the criticism and find symbolism that makes sense.