Over again [lyrics/poem]

broken_dreamsXIII · 09-14-2007, 10:43 PM

Something of that sort. I wish I could figure out a beat for this, I would love to sing it myself. But for now, I'm stuck writing lyrics away and away on pieces of scrap paper XD!

Please, Flaming isn't neccessary. I do like constructive critisim though, It makes me become a better poet =].

Enjoy reading it.

I thought you were mine.
Mine for the taking,
Mine for the loving,
Mine for the smothering,
Mine for the holding.

But you slipped away,
Away like a bird you flew,
Away like a kite that blew,
Away like a song of blue,
Away like a lie concealed by truth.

What have I done?
Over and over again.
I speak nothing but you.
A subject in the making.
I can feel my heart aching.
Where have you gone?
What has run amok?
After all the chaos and misunderstandings
I lay here to wait.

Words spew from the lips of another
Jealousy brews undercover
You saved me, as I blundered
Trembling from the hands and mind
Your smile saves me from another day

but you disappeared,
faded into the nothingness,
faded into the false
faded into the imagination
faded into the shadows
faded into the blank

What have I done?
Over and over again.
I speak nothing but you.
A subject in the making.
I can feel my heart aching.
Where have you gone?
What has run amok?
After all the chaos and misunderstandings
I lay here to wait.

A song repeats quietly
the background blurs and suddenly shifts
Walls are advancing
Ceilings are caving in
Windows are shattering
Doors are splintering

Forgive me
Forgive my foolishness
Forgive my selfishness
Forgive my pigheadedness
Forgive my stubborness
Forgive my weakness

Your promises gathered my strength
Your hopes brought me dreams
I denied it so.

**ShastaTwist** · 09-15-2007, 01:28 AM

A few things:

"Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme.

"Amok" sounds awkward for your song.

And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.

chidori! · 09-15-2007, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

A few things:

"Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme.

"Amok" sounds awkward for your song.

And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.

blew and blue are the best ryming words ever

Wintergreen · 09-16-2007, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

A few things:

"Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme.

"Amok" sounds awkward for your song.

And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.

1. Blue and blew are homophones, which are an acceptable alternative to rhyme - the same way assonance it.

2. Amok sounds OK to me.

3. I agree.

P.S
I liked it, but I felt it was a cluttered with unnecessary lines. Think about what's most important and consider trimming out the rest and altering the more awkward sounding lines.

P.P.S.
I question the grammatical correctness of the last strophe.

mead1 · 09-16-2007, 05:06 PM

Homophones /= rhyme

for the same reason I can't rhyme two with two

broken_dreamsXIII · 09-16-2007, 08:46 PM

Kay, thanks for the suggestions and criticism people ^.^

Wintergreen · 09-17-2007, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mead1

Homophones /= rhyme

for the same reason I can't rhyme two with two

*cough*(acceptable alternative to rhyme)*cough*

*rolls eyes at the ignorant*

**ShastaTwist** · 09-17-2007, 01:53 AM

It's a lazy rhyme.

09-14-2007, 10:43 PM	#1
broken_dreamsXIII FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 88	Over again [lyrics/poem] Something of that sort. I wish I could figure out a beat for this, I would love to sing it myself. But for now, I'm stuck writing lyrics away and away on pieces of scrap paper XD! Please, Flaming isn't neccessary. I do like constructive critisim though, It makes me become a better poet =]. Enjoy reading it. I thought you were mine. Mine for the taking, Mine for the loving, Mine for the smothering, Mine for the holding. But you slipped away, Away like a bird you flew, Away like a kite that blew, Away like a song of blue, Away like a lie concealed by truth. What have I done? Over and over again. I speak nothing but you. A subject in the making. I can feel my heart aching. Where have you gone? What has run amok? After all the chaos and misunderstandings I lay here to wait. Words spew from the lips of another Jealousy brews undercover You saved me, as I blundered Trembling from the hands and mind Your smile saves me from another day but you disappeared, faded into the nothingness, faded into the false faded into the imagination faded into the shadows faded into the blank What have I done? Over and over again. I speak nothing but you. A subject in the making. I can feel my heart aching. Where have you gone? What has run amok? After all the chaos and misunderstandings I lay here to wait. A song repeats quietly the background blurs and suddenly shifts Walls are advancing Ceilings are caving in Windows are shattering Doors are splintering Forgive me Forgive my foolishness Forgive my selfishness Forgive my pigheadedness Forgive my stubborness Forgive my weakness Your promises gathered my strength Your hopes brought me dreams I denied it so. __________________ Personal Site When I put on a smile, it's only hide away how much I truely miss you.

09-15-2007, 01:28 AM	#2
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: Over again [lyrics/poem] A few things: "Blue" and "blew" do not rhyme. "Amok" sounds awkward for your song. And "pigheadedness" is a weird word also.

09-16-2007, 05:06 PM	#5
mead1 Cerebellumberjack Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: On a boat Age: 33 Posts: 3,960	Re: Over again [lyrics/poem] Homophones /= rhyme for the same reason I can't rhyme two with two

09-16-2007, 08:46 PM	#6
broken_dreamsXIII FFR Player Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 88	Re: Over again [lyrics/poem] Kay, thanks for the suggestions and criticism people ^.^ __________________ Personal Site When I put on a smile, it's only hide away how much I truely miss you.

09-17-2007, 01:53 AM	#8
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: Over again [lyrics/poem] It's a lazy rhyme.

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