Sentient Spring

[DrugstoreCowboy]

We stared at each other as the snow filtered down.
I, lazily leaning on my shovel,
He (She?) dressed like a wintery clown.

Foolish robin, I sneered--
You'll never catch a worm in weather so weird.

Though it's April the first and Spring has arrived,
Not many your brethren can say they've survived
A Winter so fierce
The flesh it did pierce
And still leave the living in hope to abide.

Foolish mortal, I heard it chirp;
It is not for you to nature usurp.

And off it flew into leaden skies
As I pondered its words with the wet in my eyes.



hi, i write too !
<3

[All_That_Chaz]

Pretty good. A little raw, but I like it.

I like the idea. The rhyme scheme works and the syllable scheme is acceptable (work on the first stanza though - it didn't flow right to me). A lot of your lines seem to be thrown together though, creating grammatical errors at the expense of fitting the line (nature usurp, for example). I'm also not a huge fan of using "weird" where you do. I'm not entirely against it because it's good for making the speaker seem less intelligent and able to learn from the bird. However, using it in a rhyme draws too much attention to a word that doesn't fit the diction of the rest of the poem.

[blindreper1179]

what don't you do, geeeeeez.

[DrugstoreCowboy]

lol @ blind. im not sure

and chaz:
first of all, thanks for going over it and judging it. seriously.
nature usurp is actually gramatically correct, even though it does seem awkward. But honestly how many times thoughout a day do you hear the word 'usurp'? I imagine not many, which is why many people dont know how the word can and cannot be used.

now word choice...
i dont really like the word 'weird' either, but this whole poem was just me working on assonance and alliteration really. so in that line you have 'worm', 'weather' and 'weird'. I used it for not only the rhyme, but also for the alliteration there. And also, as you stated, it shows that the speaker is of little intelligence and has much to learn, even from a bird.

thanks though! <3

[All_That_Chaz]

Are you sure on the grammar? I mean I'm quite sure that the sentence would naturally be constructed, "It's not for you to usurp nature." I don't see how the inversion would work, but grammar's never been my strongest suit, so I'll take your word for it.

I can understand your sentiment with the assonance. To fix this I'd simply put quotation marks around the words of the boy:

"Foolish robin," I sneered--
"You'll never catch a worm in weather so weird."

This makes the effect more complete of the boy owning the words instead of it sounding like a poorly forced rhyme.

I still think you should revise the first stanza. The comma in the second line and the parenthesis in the third break the flow and take away the punch of the rhyme. It sounds like a quatrain that has too many syllables. This is how it appears to want to sound to me:

We stared at each other
As the snow filtered down.
Me on my shovel,
He dressed as a clown.

This is obviously more simplistic than you want it to sound, but as it stands it just sounds disjointed. Good luck!

[ShastaTwist]

Aw, you wrote me a poem?

[All_That_Chaz]

Everything written in lit forum is secretly a clandestine attempt to win you over, Shasta.

[DrugstoreCowboy]

haha, shasta, id do anything to make you smile


and the quotes do seem to make more sense, i might use that. so i guess i'd also use quotes for the bird as well in your opinion?

and you're right, your version is a bit too simple for me, and it totally gets rid of the assonance and/or alliteration of the s's in the first line, l's in the second, and also you rid the first stanza of adjectives.

Maybe if i recorded myself reading it, it might sound better to you. when i read it, it seems to flow.. although i personally thought the "(she?)" was kinda cool, i dont really like it anymore =]

[All_That_Chaz]

If this poem was meant for performance, then having something that doesn't flow naturally to everyone is fine, but right now it alienates the reader.

Also, if you were going for assonance/alliteration in the opening stanzas, I would try to use more of it as right now the effect is too subtle, unless subtlety was what you were going for. =/
And on the adjectives, they were the extra syllables that was throwing off the rhythm for me. So I took them out just for the example quatrain I gave you. I was not implying that you shouldn't be descriptive. The first stanza, I think, could be greatly expanded upon. You have a lot of options. Set the stage. You could talk about the landscape. You could elaborate on the clown metaphor. We're just getting acquainted with the poem when the speaker opens his dumb mouth. The direction has been changed without really being firmly established in the first place. I'm rambling...

And yes, you should keep the quotation style consistent if that's what you choose to do.