let me tell u a story

[sunn0glasses]

let me tell u a story about a kid named sun glasses. sun glasses doesn't write or read much, but he sure can try

(warning- the following is going to shift in and out of third-person because i kinda just dont give a fuck)

sun was brought into existence in 1991 in new jersey to first generation immigrants from the philipines. for as long as he can remember, sun has regretted existence. not because he is ungrateful, but because "no good deed goes unpunished" or whatev, and free will is an illusion and we're all entangled in a quantum mess of cause & effect relationships - in any case, sun glasses was a child with existential worries from the start.

earliest memories of the child called sun glasses include -

- 1st attempts at art: a pencil drawing of dick and balls peeing into toilet.. acrylic paintings of dolphins.. age 5
- 1st encounter with death - age 7 or so, just a little kid going to karate lessons. i see a robin's egg on the sidewalk, and i think it's one of those nestle milk dudd egg candies, so i pick it up, squeeze it, and it explodes into a yolky mess. i just prevented life from happening, oops.. so i wipe it all off on my white belt karate uniform and go on about everything with a slight feeling of sadness and regret, but not sure why bc i'm like 7 or whatever
- i was fat as a kid. really did a number on my self-esteem
- graduate from middle school to high school around 2005. end up going to a private catholic high school. having 2 older siblings growing up meant not really developing a good understanding of "making friends", since i had 2 older friends by default. so i'm slightly socially handicapped

sun glasses in 2005-2007 was an awkward, puberty-stricken teen with a strong desire for "nonconformity". he took an interest in outsider hobbies, ways to kind of escape or postpone reality. loved videogames, obvs. got heavy into speedsolving rubik's cubes, went to a couple of official competitions, got insanely disillusioned when he was disqualified for incorrectly stopping the timer a couple times. cue teenage self-loathing and depression

got really into stepmania around that time as well. i played ddr quite a bit when i was younger, so stepmania was a real treat. our high school had just started a sort of experiment in replacing books with tablet laptops, and we were the guiney pigs. of course, high school kids will do everything but school work on their school laptops. i played stepmania in class, every day, as long as i had that school laptop. yea, it was weird trying to play a rhythm game with as much discretion as possible, no sound, during class. but believe me, it did a lot of good to improve my stepmania skills. if you haven't tried this, try playing muted. if you do it a lot, your sightreading skills will improve like crazy. learning to tap as quietly and lightly as possible is also good for speed and stamina training. but anyway, yea, i was that fuckin asian kid with the freaky niche interests. everyone else in my school kind of just watched me do my thing - sometimes i'd get asked to speedsolve a cube in front of a bunch of sports bros, i'd do it, and they'd all freak the fuck out. they'd see me playing shit like vertex beta, on mute, during class, and freak the fuck out. it was all just kind of a spectacle, none of these hobbies of mine garnered "respect" from peers, it was more of just a freak-show kind of admiration. this pleased me in weird ways. i had just grown out of being a fat-kid and became a lanky skinny nerd. no friends, decent grades, blah blah blah, fuck high school. but at least i was weird as fuck and everyone knew it

senior year of high school. like i said, it was a private catholic school. they started doing a drug-testing program around that time. at the start of senior year, turns out i forgot about this drug-test situation because i was too busy getting stoned by myself all the time that summer before the school year started. keep in mind, i still smoke mad weed, and my memory is generally foggy. so this little write up is probably fragmented and poorly written in general, but i swear it's all true. but back to the story.. senior year, i fail my drug test - my piss was loaded with THC. so principle, guidance counselor, head priest, all the top dogs at my school, gave me the "bad kid" treatment. it was a living hell. they'd get all teary and woeful, like "how could you, you were such a sweet innocent little freak, now you're a delinquent!" my parents of course gave me hell. the school sent me to a drug-rehab program starting that september. i'd go through with it, every week, for the rest of senior year until graduation. it was an out-patient, group therapy kind of thing. i'd show up to this sterile clinic in my private school uniform once a week, do group therapy with all 14-17 year old druggies - i'd hear their stories about stealing cars for coke, o.d.ing on hard drugs, serious teenage alcoholism.. and there i was, some fucking geeky asian kid who got caught smoking weed once. they all agreed i didnt belong there. another fine perk of drug rehab was mandatory weekly NA or AA meetings (narcotics anonymous or acoholics anonymous). i went with NA, because, weed. so, every friday night of my senior year, i'd go out to this seedy-ass dim NA meeting in a seedy-ass part of town, and here i would be surrounded by 30+ year old druggies. so yea, that was my friday night, every week. but eventually, as that long and hellish senior year went on, it became apparent to my drug rehab counselors that i actually needed to be in the mental health section of the rehab center, not the druggy section. all this bullshit building up had really heightened my self-loathing and depression, i told my counselor that i had a desire to hurt myself, and it all switched from drug problem to mental health problem. so a couple months drug rehab, a couple months depression/anxiety rehab, piss tests at school every week - everyone at school knew i failed that drug test, so i got side-eyed by everyone even more than i normally would. i had pretty much reached my final form of mysterious problematic teenager - zero friends, an apparent drug problem, mental instability, weirdo niche interests (i was still playing stepmania and speedcubing), i also forgot to mention i was the "art kid" in my grade, the "kid who's good at drawing". i'd often skip class to hide in the art shed where they had all the art classes behind the school by the football field. my art teachers were my best friends throughout that year. they seemed to sympathize with me, so they let me hide out in the shed whenever i wanted, where i'd work on independent projects alone. yea, classic art therapy for the mentally unstable, can't complain i guess, i did need it.

SO YEA, that was like 9 months of bullshit, i'm glad i didn't kill myself back then.. it was certainly on my mind, but... i'd just put my shields up and bullshit my way through it all until the end.

graduated high school in 2009 and went to art school in nyc. complete 180 from the private catholic high school i just escaped. unrestricted drug use, truly like-minded peers, an education that is actually relevant to my interests. i felt like it was a karmic payoff for the hell i endured in high school.

anyway... it's 2016 now, i'm 2 years out of school, attempting independent adult life. living in philly where the rent is cheap-ish. definitely not financially stable, my only source of income is driving for lyft (which i quite enjoy and i recommend to anyone who owns a car). i live with my girlfriend, who i'd been with since college, and we have a pretty good relationship. got a hefty $25,000 student loan debt that i have on forbearance until 2017.. definitely gonna be fucked, but hey, this is expected.

still smokin mad weed tho

but hey, it'll all be just okay

thanks for reading my lil story

[ffhfeiu]

Hi, nice to meet you.

Glad to hear that you found a good path for yourself. In 6th grade I went to a private Christian school, which was terrible. 10th grade was a disaster as well. I'm currently a senior in high school and things are finally looking up, no friends though.

I think about my ITG2/flash game adventures from years ago sometimes as well as friends that I've had. Some time ago, the shows on TV were better and I was around people that I could laugh with. Used to hang out with some kids that would play games and get high on weekends, but I didn't fit into their group.

There's some students that do speedcubing but it's not that big since everyone prefers to spend time on sports/studying. Same thing goes for the computer club.

Last summer I visited some relatives in NYC and everything there just seems better. East coast people seem more interesting and friendly than the ones here. I want to attend university there or in norcal.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to write this. It's hard to find people that relate.

[top]

TL;dr