Just some poems

[bluguerrilla]

So I decided to share some of my crappy poetry. I was fairly angry while writing it.

I will explain some of it if asked, otherwise this is more of just a way for me to release the burden of knowledge etc etc.

_________________________________________________

In my eyes

No words
Absence of emotion
Every morning I look at you
Nothing changes

In my heart

A rot that started ages ago
Took hold and split the wood
Lying broken and black
Decaying in the warm winter

In my hands

You and I
Different but the same
You will do nothing
But one thing I can do

There is nothing I can do


_________________________________________________

I see red
In the sky
In the earth

I try to hide it
From myself
From my beloved

I want to unleash my cracked hands
Wet with red tears
Stained with incomplete sin

I know that Dante’s preview is too good for you

But I can’t do it

I won’t


_________________________________________________

See the tree for the forest

See the grass for the field

See the moment for the lifetime

Lost in ways indescribable and inescapable I fall
Drunken and sinking
Wet and stinking


Never reborn but both birthed and aborted


_________________________________________________

Frozen in mind are the feelings fleeting in the moment
River to water richer but muddy wealthier but ruddy
The holy hate baptizing the unforgiven holds fast
Binds bound chains drag dragging slowing stopping
The heart of it races and stalls evacuated stinking
Trampled alone herds long gone not remembered
Lost in trivialities cost payable debt bound


_________________________________________________

[moches]

Oh, wow, this is pretty awesome! Write more.

[All_That_Chaz]

Well I guess it's obvious you weren't very happy when you wrote these. The main problem I have with these are that they're just kind of abstract and you don't help the reader get into your poem. The reader is on the outside looking in instead of being a part of the obviously strong emotions you're talking about.

Also, do you have something against punctuation? It would help define your phrases to throw some commas and periods in there.

The biggest specific jarring problem was the Dante line. The diction of that poem was not really high enough to merit a literary reference.

[bluguerrilla]

Yeah, I agree about the Dante reference, it just stuck in my head.

When I edit these poems I'll just replace it with some direct reference.

The point of these poems, for me, was to show how was feeling for someone looking in. Directly in, if you know what I mean. Without filter.

Less stream of consciousness and more direct look of what's going on in my brain. This is part of the reason I didn't use punctuation. It would better be read aloud by me but it reads alright without instruction.

Another purpose to the abstractness is to keep the reader out as I don't really want to share these feelings/experiences.

The biggest part of these poems is that they are muddled and hard to get into.


Once these feelings are more matured I'll write some more. Might even use punctuation.

[All_That_Chaz]

A title would help direct the reader into the role of spectator instead of being thrown off by the role as I was.

[鬼Bankai]

Wow..Your pretty good. Nice job.

[OMG its HIM]

pretty good

[~kitty~]

I don't know if you're doing this, but, I sometimes feel people are using unnecessary large words just to look smart. Also, referring to certain things in unnecessary places and emphasizing unnecessary words or phrases are annoying.

I doubt you are doing that... but I sometimes feel that way to people who use words like, I don't know... using words that are over 9 letters long?

You know what I mean?

I mean, they think they are smart... but I know when I read the sentence that they just want to be that by using words people don't usually use or know.


Example of words (either long or not used too much in convos):

Repose
Eloquence
Inquisitive
Inexorable
Assailed
Endeavor
Mortifying
Countenance
Vengeance

Etc.

...

[dorama]

just because you don't know a word does not mean they are using it to sound smart

[All_That_Chaz]

None of those words are incredibly high in diction. That's why the Dante literary reference was out of place. He probably just has a bigger vocabulary than you because he's 24.

[bluguerrilla]

Originally Posted by All_That_Chaz

A title would help direct the reader into the role of spectator instead of being thrown off by the role as I was.

I'm horrible at titles... Most titles I come up with are more vague than the poetry itself.

Originally Posted by ~kitty~

I don't know if you're doing this, but, I sometimes feel people are using unnecessary large words just to look smart. Also, referring to certain things in unnecessary places and emphasizing unnecessary words or phrases are annoying.

I think you're confusing conversation with poetry. Either way, like Chaz said, I didn't really use many words that don't show up in everyones daily lexicon.

I'm not sure what you're trying to say in that second sentence.

Also, nothing is unnecessary, everything has meaning.

[All_That_Chaz]

It's not our fault if our particular vernacular contains a modicum of encumberances to understanding.

[Zythus]

Repose
Eloquence
Inquisitive
Inexorable
Assailed
Endeavor
Mortifying
Countenance
Vengeance

Actually, if you read much or edit intermediate essays, these words pop up often. not just two or three of them, most of them. I guess you have to be a writer to understand a writer. But that does not grant you the right to say that they are trying to be smart. Example would be, look at my sig. Call me trying to be eloquent or smart or anything, but my free verse makes sense.