The Naaru

Schrammbledeggs · 04-19-2007, 11:26 PM

Hey guys...I recently was assigned to do a 10 minute fiction story so I decided to try my hand at writing a short fantasy story...below are the fruits of my labor...let me know what you think!

Many ages ago, King Maulgar envisioned a prophecy. The prophecy stated that one day the Burning Star would become too heated and would threaten the destruction of the Universe. The prophecy also stated that there was a way to prevent this destruction. If one of exceeding bravery would face treachery and go down to the depths of the deepest ocean on Earth and speak the enchanted words of the Naaru at the Altar of Life…he would set into motion a cosmic pre-ordained series of events that would result in the cooling of the Burning Star.

King Andanar is sitting in his fortress, sweating heavily due to the immense heat outside, going through the Lore of the Old Kings when he happens upon an account of his ancestor King Maulgar that he had never seen before. He’s learned much from the teachings of the lore. He learned about the rise and fall of the Naaru and the sacred words that have been passed down for generations. There was a map next to this particular piece of lore with an ocean and a big X. As he’s reading the part about the prophecy his eyes widen. “This is what I have to do!” he exclaims. With that, he packs up the book of Lore and rushes out of the fortress. Andanar rides his dark black steed to the coast where his vessel awaits him. He boards and sets out to see towards the mysterious location X on his map.

One of the few remaining descendants of the Naaru, King Andanar was brought up rigorously. Everyday after he woke up he’d begin his studies of the Lore of the Old Kings followed by vigorous training in the arcane arts. He learned how to control and possess the powers of fire and shadow and could summon them at will. His father Ziddari had imparted all his knowledge of warfare and weapons to his son. Andanar was well suited for any challenge that stood in his way. A braver man there was none.

The sky is getting darker but the heat isn’t any less relenting as Andanar nears closer to the X in the middle of the ocean. Andanar hears a low rumbling coming from underneath the waves. He ignores it at first but then it comes again louder and more menacing. He consults his book of Lore and realizes that two pages were stuck together. He quickly pries apart the pages and looks at what he missed. The page reads “The map will lead the Savior to the wretched beast only known as the Gronn…should the Savior tame and defeat the Gronn…only then will it lead the Savior to the location of the Altar of Life.” As he reads these words he feels another loud rumbling. He walks over to the side of the vessel and looks out at the sea. Suddenly, a colossal, grotesque, sea serpent rises out of the ocean and unleashes a deafening roar upon Andanar. He looks upon the serpent. It’s scaly and dripping with a greenish gooey substance. Its face is green with 4 large fangs on the top and bottom of its giant mouth. The Gronn unleashes another deafening roar as it begins to charge at Andanar. Andanar is quick to react as he casts a fiery shield around himself and hurls a shadowy bolt of energy at the Gronn. The Gronn gets hit in the face and it barely phases it so Andanar sends bolt after bolt at the Gronn until one enters its mouth. The Gronn howls in pain and angrily sets up for another charge. Andanar realigns himself in the direction of the Gronn and starts to amass an enormous ball of fire energy. The Gronn, roaring angrily, starts to charge at Andanar. Right before the Gronn is about to attack Andanar he releases his energy ball and it flies straight into the mouth of the Gronn. Wailing and screeching in agony, the Gronn sinks below the waves as Andanar jumps on top of it. “Foul beast! Take me to the Altar of Life!” Andanar yells. The Gronn starts swimming in a direction further out to sea as Andanar looks back and notices his vessel getting smaller and smaller in the distance. Eventually, the Gronn stops and begins ferociously swimming around in a circle. As it picks up speed the Gronn emits a high pitched noise. A loud rumbling occurs from far below the ocean and before Andanar’s eyes the water starts to froth and bubble as a large, watery staircase forms straight down toward the bottom of the ocean. Andanar jumps off the Gronn and heads down.

As he walks down he sees a faint light at the bottom. After what seems like hours, he finally reaches the bottom to see a gleaming, bright, block of stone resting on the ocean floor. Carved into the stone are the ancient words of the Naaru. Andanar recognizes them and begins to chant: DOM, ASHAH, MIDAYA, FELLAH. A sphere of blue light envelopes King Andanar as he shoots high up into the sky.

Andanar blasts past cloud and sky as he shoots higher and higher. The environment around him fades from blue to black as he enters the Outer World. Andanar is amazed at what he begins to see. Down below on Earth a huge, wispy being begins to rise into the Outer World. As it approaches Andanar’s spherical housing it takes the shape of a Naaru and begins to speak with a female’s voice. “Andanar the Savior…you have released the planetary spirit of Earth and the other 8 planets…with the essences of the planets released the power of the cosmos can be unleashed unto the Burning Star and save our universe.” As she says this, the other 8 planetary spirits start coming in from all corners of the universe. They begin to head over to the Burning Star and start to form a circle around it. A bright purple glow begins to surround the spirits as they join hands and begin to chant in the ancient language of the Naaru. As the spirits chant, a purple beam of light shoots out of each spirit into the Burning Star. Andanar takes note of how the air around him seems to be getting less sticky, less stuffy but remains fixated on the spirits. Finally, the spirits stop chanting and the Earth spirit returns to Andanar. “Thanks to you Andanar the universe has been saved…you have the thanks of the planetary spirits…nay…all Naaru.” Andanar bows to the Earth spirit as she descends back down into the Earth. He looks around and bows to the other 8 spirits as they return to their corners of the universe.

Andanar slowly begins to descend back down to Earth and ends up returning right to his fortress gates. He walks into his chambers and sits down at his desk. He takes out a roll of parchment and dips his feather into the small ink jar at the top of his desk and begins to record the events that had transpired for future generations of Naaru to study in the Lore of the Old Kings.

tsugomaru · 04-20-2007, 09:09 AM

I just skimmed through your story and there's way too much references to Warcraft Lore in it. Especially Naaru and chants that sound way too much like the ones in Warcraft.

~Tsugomaru

Schrammbledeggs · 04-20-2007, 03:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tsugomaru

I just skimmed through your story and there's way too much references to Warcraft Lore in it. Especially Naaru and chants that sound way too much like the ones in Warcraft.

~Tsugomaru

Yea I borrowed some names from Warcraft but the plot is completely original

**Chromer** · 04-20-2007, 09:37 PM

Eggs is alive? O_o

**ShastaTwist** · 04-21-2007, 12:09 AM

I don't want to seem nitpick-y, but I must.

You switched the tenses in the first two paragraphs, which bothered me throughout the entire reading. Also, "dark black" doesn't make sense to me.

You could have worded your sentences a bit better.

All in all, not horrible.

tsugomaru · 04-21-2007, 10:26 AM

Kay, from what I skimmed (I have yet to read all of it), there's a guy, who's trained by his father, and then all of a sudden, a big monster pops out from nowhere, and then, the kid is transported to a different world. Sounds very original to me, very, very original. However, I do give you credit, a lot of fantasy stories often start like that, but you have to back up your writing with more details and hide the plot a lot more before you can say that it's original.

EDIT: Don't take all your names from the same lore.

~Tsugomaru

Schrammbledeggs · 04-21-2007, 10:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

I don't want to seem nitpick-y, but I must.

You switched the tenses in the first two paragraphs, which bothered me throughout the entire reading. Also, "dark black" doesn't make sense to me.

You could have worded your sentences a bit better.

All in all, not horrible.

The first paragraph is a narration of a previous event...sort of like a flashback...then it moves to present day in the 2nd paragraph

**ShastaTwist** · 04-21-2007, 11:28 AM

In my personal opinion, not to be a jerk, I hope you won't think I'm trying to be a total "holier-than-thou" sort of person...

You probably should have separate those sections with a --.

Schrammbledeggs · 04-21-2007, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShastaTwist

In my personal opinion, not to be a jerk, I hope you won't think I'm trying to be a total "holier-than-thou" sort of person...

You probably should have separate those sections with a --.

Sorry...I'm not too keen on proper formal writing techniques

04-19-2007, 11:26 PM	#1
Schrammbledeggs FFR Player Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 334	The Naaru Hey guys...I recently was assigned to do a 10 minute fiction story so I decided to try my hand at writing a short fantasy story...below are the fruits of my labor...let me know what you think! Many ages ago, King Maulgar envisioned a prophecy. The prophecy stated that one day the Burning Star would become too heated and would threaten the destruction of the Universe. The prophecy also stated that there was a way to prevent this destruction. If one of exceeding bravery would face treachery and go down to the depths of the deepest ocean on Earth and speak the enchanted words of the Naaru at the Altar of Life…he would set into motion a cosmic pre-ordained series of events that would result in the cooling of the Burning Star. King Andanar is sitting in his fortress, sweating heavily due to the immense heat outside, going through the Lore of the Old Kings when he happens upon an account of his ancestor King Maulgar that he had never seen before. He’s learned much from the teachings of the lore. He learned about the rise and fall of the Naaru and the sacred words that have been passed down for generations. There was a map next to this particular piece of lore with an ocean and a big X. As he’s reading the part about the prophecy his eyes widen. “This is what I have to do!” he exclaims. With that, he packs up the book of Lore and rushes out of the fortress. Andanar rides his dark black steed to the coast where his vessel awaits him. He boards and sets out to see towards the mysterious location X on his map. One of the few remaining descendants of the Naaru, King Andanar was brought up rigorously. Everyday after he woke up he’d begin his studies of the Lore of the Old Kings followed by vigorous training in the arcane arts. He learned how to control and possess the powers of fire and shadow and could summon them at will. His father Ziddari had imparted all his knowledge of warfare and weapons to his son. Andanar was well suited for any challenge that stood in his way. A braver man there was none. The sky is getting darker but the heat isn’t any less relenting as Andanar nears closer to the X in the middle of the ocean. Andanar hears a low rumbling coming from underneath the waves. He ignores it at first but then it comes again louder and more menacing. He consults his book of Lore and realizes that two pages were stuck together. He quickly pries apart the pages and looks at what he missed. The page reads “The map will lead the Savior to the wretched beast only known as the Gronn…should the Savior tame and defeat the Gronn…only then will it lead the Savior to the location of the Altar of Life.” As he reads these words he feels another loud rumbling. He walks over to the side of the vessel and looks out at the sea. Suddenly, a colossal, grotesque, sea serpent rises out of the ocean and unleashes a deafening roar upon Andanar. He looks upon the serpent. It’s scaly and dripping with a greenish gooey substance. Its face is green with 4 large fangs on the top and bottom of its giant mouth. The Gronn unleashes another deafening roar as it begins to charge at Andanar. Andanar is quick to react as he casts a fiery shield around himself and hurls a shadowy bolt of energy at the Gronn. The Gronn gets hit in the face and it barely phases it so Andanar sends bolt after bolt at the Gronn until one enters its mouth. The Gronn howls in pain and angrily sets up for another charge. Andanar realigns himself in the direction of the Gronn and starts to amass an enormous ball of fire energy. The Gronn, roaring angrily, starts to charge at Andanar. Right before the Gronn is about to attack Andanar he releases his energy ball and it flies straight into the mouth of the Gronn. Wailing and screeching in agony, the Gronn sinks below the waves as Andanar jumps on top of it. “Foul beast! Take me to the Altar of Life!” Andanar yells. The Gronn starts swimming in a direction further out to sea as Andanar looks back and notices his vessel getting smaller and smaller in the distance. Eventually, the Gronn stops and begins ferociously swimming around in a circle. As it picks up speed the Gronn emits a high pitched noise. A loud rumbling occurs from far below the ocean and before Andanar’s eyes the water starts to froth and bubble as a large, watery staircase forms straight down toward the bottom of the ocean. Andanar jumps off the Gronn and heads down. As he walks down he sees a faint light at the bottom. After what seems like hours, he finally reaches the bottom to see a gleaming, bright, block of stone resting on the ocean floor. Carved into the stone are the ancient words of the Naaru. Andanar recognizes them and begins to chant: DOM, ASHAH, MIDAYA, FELLAH. A sphere of blue light envelopes King Andanar as he shoots high up into the sky. Andanar blasts past cloud and sky as he shoots higher and higher. The environment around him fades from blue to black as he enters the Outer World. Andanar is amazed at what he begins to see. Down below on Earth a huge, wispy being begins to rise into the Outer World. As it approaches Andanar’s spherical housing it takes the shape of a Naaru and begins to speak with a female’s voice. “Andanar the Savior…you have released the planetary spirit of Earth and the other 8 planets…with the essences of the planets released the power of the cosmos can be unleashed unto the Burning Star and save our universe.” As she says this, the other 8 planetary spirits start coming in from all corners of the universe. They begin to head over to the Burning Star and start to form a circle around it. A bright purple glow begins to surround the spirits as they join hands and begin to chant in the ancient language of the Naaru. As the spirits chant, a purple beam of light shoots out of each spirit into the Burning Star. Andanar takes note of how the air around him seems to be getting less sticky, less stuffy but remains fixated on the spirits. Finally, the spirits stop chanting and the Earth spirit returns to Andanar. “Thanks to you Andanar the universe has been saved…you have the thanks of the planetary spirits…nay…all Naaru.” Andanar bows to the Earth spirit as she descends back down into the Earth. He looks around and bows to the other 8 spirits as they return to their corners of the universe. Andanar slowly begins to descend back down to Earth and ends up returning right to his fortress gates. He walks into his chambers and sits down at his desk. He takes out a roll of parchment and dips his feather into the small ink jar at the top of his desk and begins to record the events that had transpired for future generations of Naaru to study in the Lore of the Old Kings. __________________ At least I'm not Mike Lean. Movie Reviewer at ddrgeek.com

04-20-2007, 09:37 PM	#4
Chromer Hookers and Blow Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: You heard the robot. No fun. Age: 34 Posts: 4,981	Re: The Naaru Eggs is alive? O_o __________________

04-21-2007, 12:09 AM	#5
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: The Naaru I don't want to seem nitpick-y, but I must. You switched the tenses in the first two paragraphs, which bothered me throughout the entire reading. Also, "dark black" doesn't make sense to me. You could have worded your sentences a bit better. All in all, not horrible.

04-21-2007, 11:28 AM	#8
ShastaTwist FFR Veteran Join Date: Sep 2004 Age: 33 Posts: 599	Re: The Naaru In my personal opinion, not to be a jerk, I hope you won't think I'm trying to be a total "holier-than-thou" sort of person... You probably should have separate those sections with a --.

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